Probably More Dramatic Than I Should Be

So.

Hi.

I've been reading your comments as they come in on the last post and selfishly let it go another day because I so love all of your opinions. I find myself nodding going "Yep. Exactly" to almost all of them. You see the problem, don't you? I can see every side of this damn issue! Ugh. I hate it when I don't get to be righteously indignant.

In answer to your questions:

1. Yes, we were invited.

2. No, we did not attend. I likely would have declined her invite on moral grounds anyway (translation: hid from her behind trees in the school parking lot), but we were out of town this weekend. So, phew.

3. It was a girl's party and 15 boys and girls were invited, about half the class.

Many of you summed up perfectly what I see both right and wrong with the situation. One the one hand, like Alias Mother said:

"Personally, if I were not on the invite list and found out about the whole thing (which will happen because COME ON) I'd be more insulted that this mother thought I or my child was incapable of handling the crushing blow of not being invited to her party."

And I love Terese's preschool's policy:

"At my daughter's preschool, they just have a policy - NO distributing of invites at school UNLESS the whole class is invited. ...Invites should be MAILED! I think Miss Manners AND The Martha would agree with me on this. Spring for some stamps!"

That makes perfect sense, no?

And most of you echoed these sentiments: CONTROL FREAK!

But. Then I read Artemisia's articulate comment that shames me:

"She may be over the top in her efforts, but Christ on a cracker, her heart is obviously in the right place. ...if the OCD mom wants to go overboard making sure kids' feelings don't get hurt, more power to her."

It's true. And I know that's why I took the question to you, The Internet Brain Trust. Because this mom is only trying to save hurt feelings in her twisted OCD way.

Unfortunately, by her making a bigger deal out of it, she has brought glaring attention to the uninvited, hasn't she? Dani took the words right out of my keyboard when she said:

"By making it a big secret it makes everyone uncomfortable, and those not invited feel slighted. And wont the kids be talking about the amazing "A List Only" party on Monday after? It's the idea of the "secret" that is wrong.

I have to say that's where I stand.

This is probably the tenth party in the last five weeks and I know that this is just the beginning of the whole awkward invited/uninvited popular/unpopular thing. And I hate that. Because as I've mentioned before, I was far from popular. And despite what I may have thrown out there when Savannah first started school, she's having her issues as well. We haven't been invited to every single playdate and party. Savannah hears about them after the fact and that hurts. Period. And THAT is what bothers me about this situation. It wasn't my daughter that was hurt THIS TIME. But, whether this mom had the best intentions or not, to specifically articulate who is being excluded is to call out the unwanted.

It's like a little list of broken hearts.

I know that life isn't fair. But, the fact remains that we are the parents and it is our job to insulate our kids from as much rejection as possible. Because there will be plenty of it in their lives that we cannot control. It is our job to be fair.

So many of you have stories about your own kids (or yourself) left out socially in childhood. Especially Allie's story? Go read it. I'll wait.

The exact same thing happened to Savannah with our old neighbors. We could hear the little party girls squealing and laughing and playing next door in their yard. And do you know what my daughter did?

She pulled a chair over to my bedroom window, so that she could watch them.

UGH. Let's cite that as reason #45,629,469,374,979,364 why I'm glad we moved from there.

But, I know it can happen anywhere. Kids can be mean. But, the whole point of this discussion is to ask 'where does it start?'. Hello! With the moms.

I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you what I would have done in this situation.

Considering that there are 30 eager five-year-olds brand new to each other? Considering that these little guys are just starting to venture out from their moms and into the scary world of social interactions? Considering that their feelings this year may shape their view of school for years to come?

If I couldn't have invited everyone, I would have just invited all the girls. Every single one. I would have scaled the party way back or whatever was needed to ensure every little girl could happily chatter about  the party on Monday.

What's a few more party bags? A few more hats?

When the alternative is to leave someone watching from the window?

Comments

[B]

The thing about growing up is you learn that disappointment doesn't stop the world. I think if you chat with your kids when they are hurt by not being invited that's good. But it could totally go overboard into a parent making the kid feel WORSE by making a larger deal than it really is.

Not that I would handle it my mom's way either, "Oh for heaven's sake, who gives a crap about a birthday party you DID NOT go to? Just learn to focus the ones you attend." I'd say I caught my awesome mom on a bad day.

[Butrfly Garden]

Word. I'm so glad it wasn't you with the "plan" as speculated in the last comments. I have a hard time not being honest. :)

[zoe]

OMG. I just teared up at the image of your daughter watching from the window. My heart would break if that were my baby. We bitch all the time about kids being mean...but really at that young age it's the parents who are clueless. I grew up in a commune and I recall having a birthday party where no one who was invited came. Their parents felt our home was inappropriate. I was devastated and went home sick nearly every day for the rest of the school year...in the first freakin grade.

[Lena]

Ooookay, Zoe gets a hug. And a crown. With sparkles.

[Someone Being Me]

I must be old because when I was in elementary every kid in the class got invited no matter what. You came to school and handed out invitations to the entire class just as you brought enough valentines for the whole class. They have the rest of their life to be in cliques. Junior high and high school are bad enough but to start this that young is just awful. It breaks my heart.

[Nicki]

Picturing your daughter sitting at the window made me want to cry.~sniffle~

[Jenny]

Your child has a golden heart - her wish to watch says many good things about her. I would have been under the bed. Uhm, I think I was.

[Antique Mommy]

I have a big lump in my throat. To think about your little girl, any little girl, sitting by a window to hear the party she wasn't invited to just breaks my heart.

[Tina]

Sister, we are rockin' in the same boat. The one that is the "Mom who is, was, and, likely, will always be socially awkward and unpopular, raising the ever popular child." I am happy for my son. I am uncomfortable how having a popular son jettisons me into the quasi-popular mom arena. I am a reluctant participant. I do it for my son. And ONLY for him.

Oh, yes. And we either invite all the kids, or only boys to his parties.

[soozey]

Wow, 30 kids in a Kindergaraten class? That scares me. It's a tough thing, which I am going through right now. I don't want to do the girls only thing because--well, she's friends with boys, carpools with boys, etc etc. It's early in the year, and I think I can get away with a small party, and explain that we can't invite everyone because of the size and the cost, and teach politeness without making it a secret.

[Julia]

I have to disagree. it all depends on how the parents handle the party invites or lack of them. when my kids had parties they invited their friends. I never made it an all boy party because I wanted them to know that they could be friends with boys AND girls. They've always had friends that are girls ~ since they were 3 years old and many of them are still friends today. If they weren't invited to a party I would say "well remember when we said you could only invite 10 kids to your party? that's what his/her mom said and they invited the kids they play with the most. sometimes you'll be invited to a party and sometimes you won't. If you are invited to one, I hope you have fun and don't make anyone feel bad by pointing out that they weren't." If you simply explain to your child that not everyone can be invited to everything, they learn that at a young age. I hate the word popular and never used it with my kids. my boys are 21 and 14 now and seem to have learned this lesson pretty well.

Listen to Julia!

[Mary]

I disagree with you that it's our job to insulate them from rejection. I think it's our job to teach them to deal with it, since it's going to be a part of their lives for, I don't know, forEVer!

I have no expectation that my kids will be invited to every party, and neither do they. The story about the party next door is sad, yes, but I would have pulled out a favorite book, or gone out to dinner, or something fun. You can teach her coping skills and have fun at the same time.

Here's the thing. My oldest is almost 18 now. If he doesn't get into the college he is hoping for, there is nothing I can do. If he asks somebody to a dance and gets shot down, I can't protect him from that. I can just hope that I've given him the tools to deal with it, to realize it's not the end of the world, and move on with his life. Shielding kids from every hurt is maybe not helping them later on when we can't do it any more.

[janny226]

I've been lurking on this one too, Lena, you oughta be able to lurk on your own blog once in a while! This is a treasure trove of interesting opinions and ideas, wow. I'm lucky that Duckyboy's birthday is just BEFORE school starts for the year, so we'll never know yet who's in his class. At least for now. But my friend, whose son has the same dx as Duckyboy- call you say, Social Skills Disorder??-- has been wrestling with this bigtime, since we are kindergartgen also. I think as long as you prepare your child, the inviter, to be gracious to those you couldn't invite-- "I'm sorry, we just could't invite everyone" -- and have an in-school celebration if the school lets you, that's all you can do sometimes. (We're in NYC-- not everyone has room for the invite-everyone, same-sex or not, option).

[Amy]

I too have a lump in my throat. I wasn't "poplular" either and I've accepted the fact that kids (girls in general) are mean....and so are their mothers. Not all, but the cycle continues from generation to generation. The moms that are excluding kids are the moms that were never excluded as children. A child watching from her window is just unacceptable and heartbreaking. I hope to soften the blow(s) for my daughter by having a heart to heart with her every day. By teaching her the ways of people, maybe it won't be such a heartbreak when she is not invited.
Brooke's birthday is coming up and after this blog I have decided to keep it out of her school. Period. We'll invite neighbors and her soccer buddy and if she wants to have a playdate with the girls from her school, we'll set a few up.
I refuse to hurt anyones feelings and my house could not handle 18 kids + parents in the middle of November.

[JAMIE]

We invite the whole class for birthday parties...however only a handful have ever shown up. I've heard one mom complain because I had a better turn out, and another say it was because she had only invited the girls. I had 4 kids out of 24....sad but true.

[JAMIE]

P.S. we had a heck of a good time though!

[Jessica]

I am actually getting increasingly tired of birthday parties. We had my 2 year old daughters birthday party 2 weeks ago and we spent $500 easily on all the food crafts games and favors. We could have had a great day as a family with all that money and bought her everything she got from other people. I know that it was a hassle for some of the families to come. I think next year we will save the trouble and just spend the day together. She sees her friends all the time at Church and playgroups anyway and I don't like to set this precedent for her that we should through parties to receive gifts. When you boil it down that's really what it is.

[4benders]

I don't think the mom's heart was in the right place. It sounds like she went out of her way to make a big deal out of it to make others uncomfortable. You did say they are just high schoolers with strechmarks. Sounds like she belongs.
Kids really don't know how to exclude at this age, w/o the help of their parents teaching them.
So shame on them for teaching it a such a young age.

[Paula]

So here's my question: when do the birthday parties stop? I'm already too fried from last year's shindig (6 yr old twins) to start planning the next . . . is this an evil annual ritual that persists into jr. high/high school? If so, I might be a Bad Mommy, put the kibosh on it and restrict it to family.

When I was a kid, my mom said: we can throw you a party and you get what your guests give you, or we celebrate at home and use the money on what you really want. Crass materialist that I was, I opted out of the party. . . but dammit if I didn't get my Rub-A-Dub Dolly!

[Artemisia]

It's very strange raising kids now. We start to wrestle with these issues as parents, sure that we know what we are up against (we remember this from OUR childhoods, right?), only to find halfway through the match that it's an entirely different animal these days.

My boys are now in middle school, and this is what I've seen: Some parents and most teachers are determined to ensure that exclusion of wee ones is minimal - rules about no invitations at school, lots of discussion about learning to work with everyone and community and respect. My kids' social experience has been light years better than mine was. They both felt very safe and respected most of the time in our community and I think it shows in their confidence and in the broad number of kids they socialize with. (Contrast that with me, who by fifth grade was withdrawn and paranoid because in my experience, many kids were cruel little shits)

On the other hand, a scarier beast is the crazy moms who quit their jobs and devote time, energy and money to reliving their 70s and 80s style junior high experiences as the Queen Bees of Moms. Dear lord. The exclusive behavior absolutely does start with the parents. Which is why I defend the OCD Mom in the last post - her method was incredibly clumsy, but that probably reflects more on her obsessive-compulsive anxiety-ridden psyche than anything.

Really - if you want to be an agent for positive, sane change, talk to the other parents and mention that you're teaching your child not to discuss parties at school out of simple politeness. If you want to go overboard like I did, casually mention that you think it's unnecessarily mean to invite most of the girls in the class, pointedly leaving out two or three, and that your daughter will either invite everyone or only a few.

[Laura]

I wonder whose feeling REALLY hurt more; the kids', or the moms? When our children are not invited, well, doesn't that mean that WE, too, didn't make the cut? Just wondering. What you should have done was had your OWN party on the same day, and invited ONLY the UNinvited!!! It could have been like your own "Very Merry Unbirthday"!!!!
Seriously...don't ya' miss the days of two friends, a carvel cake, and pin the tail on the donkey?

[Stephanie]

I have mixed up feelings on this. Of course your daughter should have been invited. Leaving her right next door knowing there was a party going on was a terrible thing for that parent to do.

But.... on the other hand. It's pretty impossible to invite everyone. I'm one of these parents in this boat. My daughter is having a Halloween party tomorrow night. My daughter is in Kindergarten (20 kids), Dance (13 girls), Girl Scouts (8 girls), and Church (12 kids, also our close batch of friends with 8 girls & 5 boys. Here where we live from some dang reason whenever you have a party its a given that the siblings are invited too. You add all that up and that has us inviting about 80 kids. About half of those would come, making it 40. Uh no. Not happening in my house. Not only that, but once you get into the public school thing, you have a few kids in the class that aren't very clean, have pink eye & lice often etc. ARe you seriously going to invite that into your home when you have a small baby at home also? NOT.

So anyway, our Halloween party what we did was invited our close batch of friends (8 girls) & 5 boys, no kids from the Kindergarten class, or dance class, and we invited the 8 Girl Scouts. As you can see that still leaves me with 21 kids coming tomorrow night. Oh, and I invited them with a phone call to the moms a few days ago. But I did have to explain to my daughter, we aren't inviting your school class to this this year, so we probably shouldn't talk about it at school okay?
And she agreed.

Another thing... Its easy to say you will buy more party hats, or more blowers, but what about the time when your daughter wants to have a "fancy" party somewhere? Where you pay like $10 a kid no matter if they come or not? Are you really going to let her invite the whole class then? Or do you tell her, no we can't afford that we'll have it at home again. When you know good and well if you cut it down to 8 of her true friends you could afford the $80 and giving her the party of her dreams?

[Gina]

I was the popular kid growing up, invited to a lot of parties. Now I know how crushing it can be when you aren't invited. My Girl is rarely invited to a party. Every class she's been in there has been at least 20 kids. 20 kids and she gets invited to maybe one party if she's lucky. I'm told be thankful because you aren't spending money on gifts and attending parties every weekend. I'm not asking that she attend every single party but what is wrong with her that she's not invited? All the kids like her but she never makes the cut. Why?

[dregina]

Lena -
Weren't the girls who lived next door to you a good bit older than Savannah? It would have been polite of that family to invite their neighbor's daughter, but I can see how it would have slipped under their radar due to the age difference between the girls. I'm the oldest of two girls in my family, and I know when I had friends over we were just awful about including my little sister, because she was younger than us and we didn't want to play with a "baby" - I think that's another really, really common form of rejection among kids, the "I don't want to play with you because you're younger than me" thing. Between that, and playdates, and birthdays, and religious parties (bar mitzvahs, communions, etc), there is just no way to prevent children from experiencing rejection. And families shouldn't have to bankrupt themselves throwing huge parties, and a lot of families I know don't want to spend every weekend hauling their kids to birthday parties for kids they don't know . The Mom in this case handled the situation in a ham-handed way, but she should not have to invite every girl in the class just to prevent hurt feelings.