Shower Me With Your Love**

For those of you late to the party, I started to plan my pregnancy when I was about 12-ish years old. Does this terrify me since me own daughter is halfway to twelve? Um, YESITDOESTHANKYOUVERYMUCH.

(I even remember when a distant acquaintance of my family's found out that their thirteen-year-old daughter was pregnant. I remember because I spent the next year consumed with jealousy and maybe even < whispers > drew pictures of her with a big pregnant belly and other times holding a baby and also other times driving a convertible VW Rabbit with a baby smiling in the car seat behind her < /whispers >.)

(I know. You're scared. Please God don't let it be in the genes.)

ANYwho, I think at this point it goes without saying that I was a teensy bit ecstatic when I became pregnant at the ripe old age of 23. I still remember going straight to the book store, for they are my oldest friends, and buying every baby book they sold and then announcing to the line without being asked "I'm buying all of these because I'm pregnant. With a baby. A real one. It's inside me. So, I'm buying these books to learn. Yessirreee. Havin a baby." I'm pretty sure no one cared.

That excitement continued throughout much of the pregnancy. I didn't care that we lived in an apartment. I didn't care that we didn't have money. I didn't care that we had been married only six months and that Chris appeared a tad ashy when I happily exclaimed "I can't believe I got pregnant two weeks after I stopped taking The Pill! I didn't even know that was possible!".

To which he replied "And you said it was going to take a year" followed by a shrill little laugh. Or maybe it was a cry.

Most of all, I didn't care that I had just left my religion behind a few years earlier and therefore, my entire social network.

I was having a baby and that is all I ever wanted and now I could die happy. The End.

That is, until I was at a BBQ a few months later.

The hosts were people we only knew in passing and therefore, the majority of the guests were perfect strangers. One of them, in particular, was a rich, tan, woman with the most grating voice and noxious perfume, and enormous cleavage in which three gold necklaces dangled.

She also happened to be pregnant.

After she chattered on and on about her brokerage and her Mercedes and her sex life - each story ending in a wild cackle, she turned to me and asked "How many showers have you had?".

How many?

Everyone was staring at me.

"Um..."

I only had a handful of friends and most of them were my co-workers. I was going to be ecstatic if my shower attendance outnumbered the passenger capacity of my car.

At that point, however, she was only asking me as a segue to her own story.

"I've already had three!" she squealed. "My girlfriends blahblahblah limo blahblahblah Napa blahblahblah massages blahblahblah. And I'm having two more! Work blahblahblah family blahblahblah clients blaaargh."

Since it was obvious this lady was a perpetual "I swear I'm twenty-nine!" type despite being a decade past it, I wish so much that I had responded "Well, you're a lot older than I am, so I'm sure you have a lot more friends". I would have smiled sweetly and everything.

But, I wasn't blogging yet, so I wasn't nearly that quick-witted.

When she finished, she looked at me expectantly again.

"Well, I haven't had any. Yet. But, I'm sure my mom and my aunt are planning one."

I swear to God it was the only time in my life where I actually witnessed someone stifle a laugh at me.

It should come as no surprise that I bawled the entire way home.

I mean, I was rife with pregnancy hormones. Which meant I was mildly obsessed with ensuring everything was P-E-R-F-E-C-T for the baby. It seemed like suddenly things that didn't matter before took on grave meaning. (Is there any way we can fix the ozone before the baby comes? Can we get our own ground well?)

This limited friends and family thing honestly gave me pause. Who's going to love the baby? I cried to Chris. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AND LEAVE HER ALOOOOOONE!

I considered not even having a shower. I was so worried that no one would show up. I was so worried that something would taint this most precious experience. I was so worried that my teeny little shower would be proof that I shouldn't be having a baby yet. (I told you, I had The Pregnancy Crazy.)

All because of a big-mouthed braggy stranger*.

I purposely stayed out of the shower preparations. I purposely chose a restaurant to give the illusion that ...what? The other diners were my friends? I have no idea. I tried not to get my hopes up.

I'm happy to report that I had a lovely baby shower thanks to my pushy aunt, mother, and in-laws. Because they love me fiercely. And it was well-attended! Even My Arm and The Dumpster were there.

I'm so glad My Arm was able to make it.

What smells like corn and cheese?

Oh. Also My Nose attended. Despite her being specifically uninvited.

So, did you have a baby shower? How many did you have? (Don't worry! I'm no longer bitter.) How many people came? If you had to guess, how far away would you say was the nearest dumpster?

----

*I'm only sharing this with you because I happen to find it ironic, not because I wish her any ill will, but this person actually miscarried shortly after this and has gone on to battle with infertility for the last six years. I know. Sad.

Comments

[Michelle S.]

Giggle! First to comment! Wowzers!
Okay, for my first son I had a work shower, a family shower, AND my friends had a shower for me...they were all wonderful (and very much appreciated because we had NOTHING for the baby BS (before showers!!)

When my second son was born there were no "before" showers, but a very lovely one after he was born and that was a close friends/family combo...it was great and a few of the girls even had gifts for Parker (who was 4 at the time) so that was really neat too.
Based on what I've seen with my own friends, family, etc. you never get as much attention and gifties with the second one...
They were all different and a lot of fun...even played the silly games.

[Becky Scott]

I have two scheduled within days of each other. One at work and one from my friends. That's it, no family nearby. Although, who knows what will happen when we go back for Thanksgiving/ Christmas? I would be more worried about a family party not being well-attended than I do with my friends. That's a story for another time.

[Kira]

When I was pregnant with my first son, a friend threw me a baby shower. It was AWFUL, sparsely attended by nervous women in their early 20s who fingered the baby-themed decorations and couldn't think of anything to say and snuck out to the patio to smoke.
When I was pregnant with my second son, I had a ROCKING baby shower. My friends were loud, funny, and generous. They played this "game" (bitches), where they wrote down the things I said as I opened the presents, then read the list back as an example of the things that were said the night the baby was conceived. I swan, on that list was the following, "What do you say? 'Nice vulva..'?"
Good baby showers are funny, and a little dirty.

[Butrfly Garden]

I had a handful of people invited and I never thought once that it wouldn't be enough people. I've heard of people who have two showers...like one for each side of the family. But who brags about that?

I don't even want to have a bridal shower because "shower" means "I'm having a party so you can buy me a present." When it's for baby, it's not so greedy...but when it's for me, I feel like it is.

[mpotter]

i'm a lot like you in the lack of friends department. although i'm not pregnant yet, i can imagine my shower will be sparsely attended, and probably be an obligatory shower from my family.

when we get pregnant, it will be the first for my in-laws, and the 30th from my side of the fam. (yes, that's thir-ti-eth) so.... i guess that should be interesting.

[dcrmom]

Let's see. I had 3 showers. My coworkers at school had one for me. (I was a teacher.) And my aunt had one for me in my hometown that was quite small. And then my mother-in-law had one, that was very well-attended, but mostly her friends.

How nice for the dumpster to attend! :-)

[Shrinkingmom]

I only had one shower. Per baby. But I'm lucky because I'm well-connected to my church and the church ladies? They know how to throw a shower.

[Becki]

I had one shower per baby. The first one- lots of friends (none of them had kids yet!) and family in attendance. The second my mom threw a surprise one, but everyone I know lives two states away and the other 3 people I know were either sick, had a sick kid or was hosting a birthday party for their own kid. So it was me, my hubby, my mom, my sister and brother in law and one other couple I barely know. LOL
It was still nice :)

[Sleepynita]

I had one shower with about 30 people after Rito was born. It was mostly family. My oh-so-cool friends (all single or newly married no kids) didn't attend since it gave them the heebie jeebies to do "lame" stuff like showers. Needless to say I was a little hurt.

I relly wish my shower was before Rito was born, that way we wouldn't have bought everything we needed already. I ended up getting some of the worst outfits known to mankind for him.

[TX Poppet]

Three showers with my first: work, college buddies and a boozy co-ed affair with Spouse and his buddies that was a riot (even if none of the booze was for me).

No showers with my second: We moved out of state just before the delivery date.

[Stephanie]

One shower for my first, one shower for my second (boy, then girl). I seriously can't believe that people get 3, 4, 5 showers...what!?! But what's more important is how hilarious this column was.

[Antique Mommy]

I had three showers - church, old friends and neighborhood. I was nearly 44 and pregnant with my first and only kid, so I was playing it for all it's worth, but not in the gold chain lady way you described, but I was beyond thrilled to be pregnant. The church ladies did go all out and give me a nice shower, even though I'm alway kind of the fringes of any congregation, so I was grateful to have their friendship and support. But if any of the hostesses had tried to make me play any of those stupid shower games, I would have totally left.

[DianaCLT]

Okay, I'm going to answer this, but please hear me out before you make assumptions or think I'm greedy...

First of all, let me just say that I had to scrimp and rack my brain to even pick enough women (5) to stand up for me at my wedding, to match the # of men my DH had. And I couldn't even come up with 5 - I was one short. My bridal shower was sparsely attended, because I had very few women friends.

However...when I got pregnant with my son, people came out of the woodwork to throw me showers. I was overwhelmed by everyone's generosity. Every time someone said she wanted to throw me a shower, I would say it was unnecessary, because there were already some in the works. But - I was just truly blessed with these friends, family members, and co-workers. So - I had 5. There. I said it: FIVE. And again - I told each and every host that it wasn't necessary. I am grateful to this day, and their loving acts were/are so very appreciated, but I didn't ask for or expect any of it. So, the five showers were: a co-ed shower thrown by my friend, who happened to be friends with my DH since they were in junior high - that was the biggest shower, with about 50 people in attendance...and the booze they were a-flowin'. Then, I had a surprise shower thrown by the teachers and staff with whom I taught at summer school. Next, a shower thrown by my ex-co-workers. 4th was a shower thrown by my SIL and my mom's BFF. And lastly, two of my aunts threw me a family shower after Ben was born.

For me 2nd pregnancy - my daughter - I wasn't sure if I would even have a shower. I know that some believe that showers are only for first pregnancies. But the first friend I told about my pregnancy offered to throw me one. And then when I announced my pregnancy in a broadcast e-mail to my friends and family (note: it took me FOURTEEN MONTHS to get pregnant with my daughter, so EVERYONE who has ever met me knew how wanted this baby was!), another friend said she'd like to throw me a shower. I told her it was not necessary, as a friend had already offered, and she was on the guest list, but she insisted. So - the first friend threw me a shower, whose guests were those whom I know due to my son and our many Mommy'n'Me classes, pre-school, mommies group, etc.; the second shower was more intimate, with mostly couples attending a wine & appetizer gathering at a local restaurant. And then, the same 2 aunts that threw me a shower for Ben, came forward and offered to throw me another family shower.

I won't deny it: I am blessed. :)

[Michelle]

I had 1 shower and it was thrown by my boss. There were probably 15 coworkers there. I think my friends and family intended to have at least 1 if not 2 other showers but I ended up leaving for Guatemala kind of all of a sudden. Then I returned home to pack up my house and move 500 miles. I have to admit I was a little hurt that no one threw together a quick shower for me from our family and friends. But at the same time I hate showers and made that clear. But they should have wanted to throw one - right?

[mandy]

My MIL, Step-MIL and SIL were there. That was it. I just moved to a new state and had no friends. For the second baby, no one threw one. I have been here 2 years and have only one now. I am happy to have that one!

It was sad, but my MIL made the cutest ducky cake, it was 3-d, and upright duck! I ate the entire thing when I got home.

[kate]

No showers here. I had moved to another country to be with my husband (native of said country) and it is just not the tradition to have showers here. I was kind of glad, because I didn't know many people, mostly dh's friends and their wives. So it would have been a bit awkward to have one anyway. We did get lots of visits from people bearing gifts, after the baby was born.

[Marcie]

I had two showers. My mother and mother-in-law planned a surprise one for me. I had no idea. We live in a smallish community and it was in a hall. The hall was pretty full. Maybe 40ish people or so? The girls at work also had one for me. But, truthfully, I would have been happy if I didn't have any. I HATE being the centre of attention. I was glad for all the gifts though, I didn't have to buy a thing for the baby. Where we live they don't have showers for anyone with a second baby.
Love your blog!

[MommyLane]

Lena, did your nose go back to its regularly scheduled programming after Savannah was born? I swear mine was NEVER the same again. The swelling went down quite a bit, but it still seems larger to me than it was pre-pregnancy. Or maybe it's age. My nose was specifically NOT invited to my baby showers (2) either, but it seemed to show up in every picture. Camera hog.

[Tam]

Nope. No shower. Maybe people didn't think it was necessary because I'm OLD or maybe it was because my son is adopted. I don't know why, but it kinda hurt. (Since it's your blog, I won't use the profanity that I would use on my own. ;)

[superblondgirl]

I only had one shower, and almost everybody there was a weird old distant relative, because I have no friends. Ha-ha. I'm bitter.

No, not really, it was actually really nice and the food was freaking awesome, and I got some great presents. The only down point was that my dress rode up my pregnant belly and everybody saw my maternity underpants when I sat down. And my cankles and feet were so swollen I could hardly wear shoes.

[Julie]

I had two showers: one for friends and family, and a surprise one at work. My family isn't big, but EVERYONE comes to these kinds of things, so there were probably 40 people at the first shower. The work one was smaller, and I'm pretty sure at least half of the attendees came for the free food and a break from their desks.

[Frema]

First of all, I totally got the song reference, though "The First Time" is actually my favorite Surface song.

Second, my family is throwing me a baby shower this Saturday, and from what I can tell, it'll be small. The bonus of that is that my emotions have been out of control lately, and I think I'll appreciate not feeling so overwhelmed with socializing. However, I'm also a little nervous that I might get there and take the small crowd as a sign that this baby won't get all the attention I know she deserves.

However, I've been assured that both Fried Chicken and Cake will be in attendance. That may be enough for me.

[RuthWells]

I actually didn't have any baby showers with either of my 2 pregnancies. I'm sure that was partly due to the pre-term labor and bed rest (5 weeks with #1, 11.5 weeks with #2), and partly due to family superstition that you have a party AFTER the baby arrives, so as not to jinx things. We had an after-party with #1, but not with #2.

I don't *think* I regret not having a baby shower......

[Jessica]

I had one shower with my first and no shower with my second. The one I had was great though. There were about 30 people there and we had lots of fun. One thing I realized though...when you have a girl all people really want to by are frilly dresses. I had very expensive frilly dresses given to me that my daughter never wore except to take the picture to send with the thank you card. I ended up still needing most of the things I registered for.

[Katie]

I had one shower with my first, and I didn't have one with my second. Since I live 700 miles from my family, my in-laws and friends gave me a great shower in my new hometown, and although my mom, sister, aunt, and grandma were so far away they still had their hands in the planning and I was so happy! It was a small party, but I knew how much each and every one wanted to be there! I'm not sorry I didn't have another for my second, as I have two boys and didn't need anymore boy's outfits. I guess I'm just happy for the friends and family I have supporting me, even though it's a small group, it feels like a huge community!