This Blog Should Give Her Plenty To Worry About

When Savannah was about two years old she developed this obsession with gum. And I don't mean that she ate it. She counted it. And I don't mean that she counted it in a package. She counted it after being chewed and stuck underneath restaurant tables.

Every dining experience would begin the same way: Savannah craning her head underneath the table, her diapered bottom in the air, then coming back up to announce "There's FIVE pieces of gum under there!".

After several unsuccessful attempts to keep her from getting under the table and counting gum, and the ensuing meltdown, I realized that this little compulsion provided her with comfort. She liked the structure. The predictability that there would always be gum under the table. (We dine in style obviously.)

This was the first of many odd little quirks she came to possess, her anxiety insisting upon it.

Did this realization worry me? Honestly, no. Because I know it is in reaction to me.

I am not a Scheduler. I am not a Planner. I am not Organized. I am the friend who comes racing into your house, hair dripping wet, dragging my crying child with me and breathlessly apologizing for being a half hour late. Some would call me undependable. I prefer "free-spirited".

My daughter? Scheduler. She organizes. She plans. She cleans. She loves the smell and feel and texture of CLEAN. She loves the predictability and order of A PLAN. Disorganization bothers her. Lack of structure bothers her. She thrives on information.

In other words, she loves RULES.

It took some time, but eventually I figured out that all of her quirks had one thing in common: they were indications of broken rules.

Following her gum counting obsession was a healthy eating obsession. I can say with almost complete certainty that I am the only mother of a toddler who said after vomiting from the flu at three years old, "I haven't been eating enough broccoli".

The health obsession gave way to a safety obsession, which carries through to today. (Have you ever had a child demand you put on your seatbelt before you backed out of the driveway? It's a handy accompaniment to the insistent dinging and flashing seatbelt light that your car already possesses.)

Every warning must be read, every sign must be explained. The dangers of the new toy having small parts on which a 3 year old could choke must be deciphered. Every No Smoking, No Dogs, No Dumping, No Right Turn warning must be discussed and analyzed. Every unknown danger must be put to rest.

When this happened and there was talk of my license possibly being suspended, I can honestly tell you that in the last nine months we have not gone a single week without my fielding the question "Are they going to take your license away? But, how do you KNOW FOR SURE FOR SURE?".

Lately, Savannah's obsession with safety has also picked up a co-obsession: fear of stealing. As in, my stealing. ("Why are you opening that water? We haven't paid yet!" "Where is my fruit snack bag? HOW WILL WE PAY FOR IT?" And to the cashier at Target: "Did you get the cat food? It's underneath the cart".)

She will even refuse to finish her donut in the grocery store, so that she is able to show them her final bite. What if they charged us for a GLAZED when it had SPRINKLES?!

(Note to Self: NEVER DIVULGE THAT YOU ONCE SHOPLIFTED A JACKET FROM CONTEMPO CASUALS. Or was it Wet Seal?)

Chris and I both tend to get annoyed at the minor inconvenience Savannah's anxieties create. We sometimes get irritated when we have to explain for the 4,000th time that no, we're not doing anything wrong when we smuggle 99 cent M&M's in my purse to the movies to avoid the pleasure of a $24 concession stand experience.

But, the truth is, I find it endearing. I don't want my daughter to be nervous. I don't want her to be fearful. But, I also know that she comes from these genes and there's just no getting around that.

What intrigues me is the fact that she and I deal with our anxiety in completely opposing ways: I like to deny, she likes to learn. I like chaos to distract me, she prefers order to calm her.

As much as it tends to annoy me - her need for structure and rules - I know that there is no greater blessing as a parent than to know what works for your kid.

And so I'll continue to make Savannah's world feel a little safer one "Do Not Put Directly In Your Eyes" label at a time.

Now, you tell me. Do you have an anxious child?

Comments

[Butrfly Garden]

Aw, what a sweet post! What a good point you made!

I am a planner. I plan things TO DEATH. Yet, somehow, I'm always late. I blame the children. Or The Man - that really depends on the day.

Sunshine is a Rule girl, too. It doesn't seem like she obsesses over it, but she has her weak points. Like, she points out EVERY single kid riding their bike in the road and/or riding without helmets. I think maybe it's just about the rules that are important to her. She also LOVES my calendar (I do a clip-art one that hangs on the fridge) and checks it every day to remind us all what's going on.

Ninja Boy points out when other people are doing "wrong" to back up his "Why can't I do that!?" He hates rules - plain and simple. He's a lot like his BM, but Dad isn't much of a planning/rule following type of guy, either.

[Butrfly Garden]

Oh, and I try to explain why sneaking is okay with movie snacks, too. Such a double-standard, but it's totally worth the savings!

[Janssen]

I was this child. My little brother (who is 11 now) is the same way. We like rules. I want to know what I need to do so that I dont' get in trouble. I hate being late and if my husband makes me late, it can ruin my whole day. Yes, I'm a little psychotic.

[Nicki]

I personally am a person that works best with structure, routine and plans. My children do really well with this also, but are free-spirited also, as children should be. This works for all of us, thankfully. I remember both Contempo Casual and Wet Seal--OMG! Do they even still exist.

[MommyLane]

I'm a free spirit -- to a point. I absolutely hate routine and am a bit of a commitment-phobe. I noticed the other day that I can't even commit to going to book club (which I love). Instead of saying I WILL be there, I'll say I PLAN on being there. You know, in case there's hell or high water or I just really don't feel like going that night. It's a wonder I committed to marriage and a baby. But I digress. My daughter follows the rules, but she's not anxious about it. What she's quirky about is pretending to be an animal. She would turn into an animal if she could. Seriously. I know toddlers like to pretend they're a puppy and drink out of the dog bowl, but she's still doing this and a much more involved version ("I'm an orca and my fluke has been injured. You are the marine biologist who is taking care of me") as a kindergartner. Like you, Lena dear, I'm not worried. I know she won't swim or walk up the aisle on all fours. Well, I'm hoping.

[DianaCLT]

Lena, you and I are cut from the same cloth (and that same cloth was made into THE cutest dress that I bought at Wet Seal 8 thousand years ago!)!
I don't mean to be disorganized. I don't mean to be a slob, for that matter. But I am. There are some things I'm very neurotic about, but most of the time, I'm disorganized, rushed, and perpetually late. I guess you could say that I, too, am a free spirit. And I really get bored with the same ol' thing (Same Shit, Different Day). I like variety. Didn't ya hear? It's the spice of life! ;)
Ben...hmmmm. He's good about rules, gets pissed when we're late getting somewhere. But at the same time, he's often the reason we're late. What is it about "Go get dressed. We have to leave in 5 minutes" that sounds to him like "Go play with your sister. Do not get dressed. To hell with our schedule"?!?
And the signs...yes, the signs. I have to read EVERY SINGLE SIGN we come into contact with. Ever been on PCH? Ever been on the windy roads through the canyons on the way to Malibu? There are "No Parking Anytime" signs every 5 inches. and I have to read every damn one. And if someone did have the nerve to park there?! Oh my - that will lead into a heated discussion. THE SIGN SAYS NOT TO PARK THERE. WHY DID THAT PERSON PARK THERE?!? THAT PERSON DID A BAD THING! IS THAT PERSON A BAD PERSON? OR DID S/HE MAKE A BAD CHOICE?!? Sighs... I love heading to the beach, but I silently pray he'll fall asleep on the way there, so I don't lose my voice, reading the signs. ;)

[B]

Our oldest girl is Annie Anxiety. At 18 mos she had night terrors b/c we moved. At three, when we moved again, she was certain that every child crying in the store was lost. "I think Snickers is his mommy's name." she would say if a kid was screaming for Snickers. After two sudden deaths in the family she became obsessed with death, each time asking me, "Are you going to kill me dead?" when I would scold her. In public, of course.

But I know this. I know telling her, "First we will...and then....last...." I know I have to warn her when we are going to leave someplace in five minutes, especially when she is having a great time. I know that when she is in trouble we have to discuss how she SHOULD behave. Everything is a conversation, explanation and always always litigation.

And I can deal with that. It's my second I'm clueless about. What the heck to do with the kid who thinks "rules" are optional and parking lots are playgrounds?

[Lena]

B- Two things.

"After two sudden deaths in the family she became obsessed with death, each time asking me, "Are you going to kill me dead?" when I would scold her."

OMG. We had 2 deaths back to back as well. I'm fortunate Savannah doesn't do this because I may die from the laughing alone!

Also, you're so right about preparing them for change. Which I NEVER do! And I mean to! I'm more of a Ohmygodwhattimeisitmovemovemove! kind of mom. Fun, in other words.

[janny226]

Aww. Agree with first poster, what a sweet post. You had me at "know what works for your kid." Actually you had me a long time before that, but, you know. You know. I'll post something more coherent when I'm not 2 margaritas into the evening. Usually I read you sober. really. But I thot you'd like to know that I enjoy the occasional cocktail. Sometimes it's hard to tell about people. Especially from comments. Anyhoo. Duckyboy is an anxious sort. I am less so since having him and being a SAHM. (Something about not having to get my keister to work every morning by 9 am reduced my anxiety level. Imagine that.) But can we have a playdate about the broccoli? Seriously. I'll fly in from NY. You can sell that.

[Heather Cook]

Dude. I AM the anxious child. I can't even smuggle the candy in to the movie theatre because I'm worried someone might THINK A BAD THING ABOUT ME.

I am a planner and a scheduler and I love the safety of rules... but don't think I'm organized. While I'm busy organizing this stack over here... the other stacks could be falling over...

I was always the crazy child, the first to get naked in playschool, the first to punch a boy in the nose... but see, they coerced me back into my clothes using RULES ("where will we pin your name tag? Everyone must wear a name tag!") and the boy with the sore nose had broken a RULE.

So you can be spirited and disorganized and still love RULES... that's what makes it fun (and made my mother go crazy).

Kind of like driving crazy and fast and cutting people off and then thinking about how EVIL someone else is because they didn't come to a Full And Complete Stop at that stop sign. Because some rules CANNOT be broken!

My son is like me... but much more cautious. My daughter... it's too early to tell. My husband.... pfft. For a former Army Major he sure hates him some rules.

[zoe]

Chaos becomes me, thrill me, even calms me. My 19 month old is so not going with the flow. My boys can hang tough. They just sigh and say "Are we late again?". Ava has to have everyting just so and when I'm racing around (late again..) she is totally stressed. There will be no sneaking in Flips at the movie theater with her. I know it already. For god sakes she already folds laundry.

[Sils]

I fear not having a child that likes structure. I am totally screwed if they want to do more than clean and rearrange furniture in their doll house... because that's what I did.

I just moved to Arizona and while I was packing I ran across some of my old toys, given that I had just taken a Mr Clean Magic Eraser to my neice's favorite doll's head I was especially shocked by how clean my toys were. I pointed it out to my sister and she said, "You were not normal."

What am I going to do if the kids take after Spencer? Hope I learn to cope, I suppose.

[Lena]

Janny226 - Drunk Commenting in the house!

[Jenny]

Don't laugh, because this is a serious question; does she wet the bed? No? Then I don't think she's "that" anxious. Weird, I know, but a very smart person told me that.

[Roxanne]

Yes! My Girl is anxious. She craves structure. She needs to know what the day will be like and if the plan changes, oh my she gets upset. I was an organizer and planner prior to having My Girl but now I half haphazardly plan the day. Sure there are days when "Oh, lets go into Old Navy real quick" gets thrown in there out of the blue and she goes w/ the flow. I hate being late and because of that, so does she. She's anxious but she does well to keep herself calm.

[Lindsay]

I'm a regular reader, but a first time poster.

As the mother of a 16-month old, I'm not sure what "works" for my son yet, but I definitely wouldn't say that he thrives on "order" (I could only hope as much).

As an attorney, I wanted to predict your child's future and say that she would do amazing in law school--the rules, the order, the structure, the shit that gets in the way for the rest of us--she would just eat it up.

[Shannon Smith]

You could be describing my six year old son. I recognize the frustration of explaining over and over, or in 100 different ways, to get him to understand so he'll stop worrying about it. At the age of 3, my pastor's wife told me he was a very logical child and I needed to deal with him in a very logical way. Boy was she on the money!

[Lilycurly]

Is she a Libra by any chance?
Because she sounds just like myself.

[superblondgirl]

Nope, mine is pretty free-spirited and easy going. Which, since I'm the wet-hair always-late sort of mom (let's be friends!), is probably sort of surprising.

[JAMIE]

I have to tell you that we are not religious people....so keep that in mind when i say that my youngest..(started at 4 yrs of age) will call GOD on his imaginary cell phone for whatver reason he chooses....whether its to tattle on his brother or that i did't buy the right fruit snacks to whatever else he comes up with. i find it amusing...like the christmas letters to santa that tells me exactly what they want

[flower girl dress patterns]

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[Urlaub in Germany auf Sylt]

Ein Kompliment für diese tolle Seite.
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Vielleicht schauen sie mal auf meiner Homepage vorbei!

Willkommen im Urlaub an der Ostsee oder Nordsee!

[Flower Girl dress]

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[Deckenventilator]

Bin über Google hier auf diese Seite gestoßen, finde sie schön und interessant.
Liebe Grüße aus Abilene!

[Bubi]

qadkq1 I'm out of league here. Too much brain power on display!