Moms Are Just Former High Schoolers With Stretch Marks

No one warned me about The Drop Off.

In all the Kindergarten Preparedness advice I received, you would think someone would have slipped in there "Oh, and by the way, you'll want to buy yourself some new clothes too. And take a shower. And have interesting things to say at seven in the morning. Because every day you're going to have to stand with a group of women that you've never met. And after a few weeks, you're either in or you're out. Don't worry. You'll know which you are."

Where was this advice?? Huh? I was so focused on Savannah starting school and Savannah doing well socially and Savannah feeling confident that I completely missed the whole socially awkward adult dynamic that was bound to exist.

Here's how it goes down:

• Group A - The Alpha Mom Group.  These are the moms that get to school first. Always. Their hair is perfect. They wear coordinating workout clothes. The best dressed kids belong to them. Their cars are always shiny. They remember everyone's names. Aaaand one or two of them is bound to say "We were going to do private school, but we wanted to provide Tatum/Hunter/Preston with more diversity". (To which I responded "We were going to do private school too. But, we wanted to, you know, eat." No one laughed. Of course not.)

• Group B -  The Been There, Done That Group.  This group is the most relaxed. They have older children in the school. They know where the multi-purpose room is and where to sign up for dance class. They smile at you, amused, while you fret (How many yard duties are there? What if there's a fire? Were we supposed to sign that pink paper?! I forgot to bring the pink paper!! IS HER BACKPACK GOING TO BE IN THE SUN BECAUSE THERE'S CHEESE IN THERE!). They calmly reassure you while their eyes say "Ah, to be young again".

• Group C - The Nervous Newbies. These are the moms that bond over their anxiety. For the first week, they commiserate with each other (I was going to make him a peanut butter sandwich and then I remembered he isn't herrrrre." SOB). They grow closer as they recover and by the third week they're saying things like "You know, three hours isn't really enough. Now, first grade. That's going to be awesome. Let's get coffee!"

• Group D - The Hopeful Stragglers. These moms are the ones pecking around to the various groups. They seem to be shy, but always wear an eager smile. Sometimes they visit with each other, but frequently walk to their car alone. I notice that most of these moms seem to be moms of boys. I wonder, is it harder to make friends when you're a boy mom?

• Group E - The Drop Off and Go Group. Hi. Bye. They have enough friends. The End. I don't know; maybe they're bloggers?
  

Anyway, a lady never tells, so you'll just have to guess which group I'm a part of. Which is another way of saying 'I think I'm my own group?'.

So, last week, after dropping off Savannah and not having a particularly stellar social experience with the Drop Off Moms (honestly, I think its because I hadn't had my lip waxed since last winter) I was walking into Starbucks when I see two other moms from Savannah's class (See Group A) standing outside.

As I approach, one of them says "There's one of our moms right now!".

I beam. I think, what a lovely thing to say! "One of our moms". I feel like I really belong. "Hi there!" I respond and happily walk up to join their conversation.

Then the Other Mom turns around. She is not from Savannah's class, after all. She looks me up and down. I'm wearing my "Stud Tamer" t-shirt (it has a horse on it -- what double entendre?). "Who is this?" she asks.

I swear. Just like that. 'WHO is this?' She has a fake smile plastered on her face.

I introduce myself.

The Mom From Savannah's Class trips all over her words. "Oh...I...you're...I thought...are you a MOPS member?".

"No" I say, confused.

The Other Mom turns back around away from me.

The Mom From Savannah's Class says "Oh, sorry! I thought you were who we're waiting for."

"Oh, okay" I step back, "Just getting coffee. I do have a kindergartner, though". I'm obviously still confused.

Then I turn around and go inside to get my coffee, thus ending the World's Most Awkward Parenting Social Moment Ever.

As I'm standing in line, I'm thinking about how rude that was. Just dismiss me? Even though our kids are in the same class?

Naturally, this is the part of the story where I would go on about how mean she was and how I hate MOPS blah blah blah, but I'm sorry to report that the Mom From Savannah's Class went and RUINED EVERYTHING last night by showing up at my front door being all lovely and warm and inviting me to join MOPS. She even complimented my curtains, so... I think she's my friend now. It doesn't take much. I'm like a barnacle.

Does anyone know what MOPS even is? Because I hardly sweep. (BA-DUM)

Anyway, aside from that, here is my question for you, because we're all dying to know: How do you handle Drop Off? Do you visit? Do you feel like you have to force yourself? Does it come naturally? Have you made friends that way?

Also, do you think maybe I'm freaking out just a little because I may have mentioned this blog to one of the moms?? That can't end well.

Comments

[Jen]

I am a mom of a preschooler- she is a super confident and pretty little thing. I would say I am more of the "drop and run" type. Partly because I run from work to pick her up from daycare, take her to school, and run back to work. The other part probably because I work somewhere with no dress code so I am often wearing whatever I want and also because I look like I am 15 years old- despite the fact that I am 27. They probably all judge, just like when I was pregnant. Maybe I am a big snob, but I just have to get back to work. . .

[Linsey]

I have 5 kids. 3 of them are in school this year (WOOT!) but I am by no means much of a pro. I always keep my sunglasses on so you can't tell that I never washed off yesterdays make-up. I hunch a little because, silly me, no bra. But I am friendly to Mom's around me. I am cute enough, not the cutest Mom there but I'm cute. But NOT usually at 8 am. Honestly, it takes all I have to get all the kids ready and out the door on time. But one day, a mom who was dressed super-hot, and looking WAY too fabulous for 8 am, approached me and in a REALLY condescending way she said "You know what? You could be soo cute. Like, if you just fixed up a little". Wha, wha, what? A stranger. A Mom I had not ever met. Moms can be so mean. Really though, I wasn't as fake as her, so when I did "fix up" I was way cuter than her :P

[Jilt]

My son's in daycare, but I totally feel your pain. I'm a Hopeful Straggler - I've tried. I've really, really tried to connect with the other moms, but after more than a year of trying...nothing. It seems like they all know each other, have a history together, and hang out outside of daycare. And, they don't seem receptive to adding anyone else to their posse.

What's really frustrating is when I'm picking up my son and another mom is there to pick up her son and the teacher says, "Pumpkin and Z are like brothers. They're really best friends." And Z's mom doesn't even look at me or give me the time of day. Just walks out of the room. It's rude.

[Janonymous]

I have exactly 8hrs and 40 minutes each week without kids (1 in Kg, 1 in preK 2 days/wk). Frankly, I'm sure these ladies are lovely, but unless they want to chat at my house while helping me catch up on all the stuff I've got to do before I pick up the kids, I'm not interested.

So I'm definitely in the drop-off & run group. I'll get to know them eventually (I did at the oldest kid's preschool), but it'll be when alone-time isn't at such a premium.

Jan

[Y]

Two words.

The Bus.

And when that's not possible, the back drop off thingy where one does not get out of her car.

[Jess]

I have an eight year old, so I'm one of those old pros I guess.
I walk my kids to school in my pajamas and a baseball hat, and smile at the other moms without actually making eye contact, hoping that they won't talk to me because I haven't brushed my teeth yet.
Now picking my daughter up after I've had a shower is a different story. I make eye contact now, but its an awkward, "um, I know I totally seem like a bitch in the morning, but I'm craving a little socialization now......pick me, pick me...."

[womanwithahatchet]

I am somewhere between Group D and just a loner. We somehow managed to get my daughter into a kindergarten class where (it seemed) everyone else had already met at assorted kid activities. There was a built in clique and we never quite made it up to snuff. Mind you, their daughters really like mine, so they all hang out together.

The moms, however, could care less about me. Except that I'm pregnant with twins, so now I'm suddenly a rockstar.

My recommendation: if Savannah joins any clubs, see if you like any of the moms that help out. Maybe you can pick up a friend that way! I did that, but it turns out the mom and I like one another far more than her daughter likes mine! So we have our play dates and drag our daughters in together.

[KangaNtheRoos]

UGH! You think the school drop off thing is bad?! A couple of weekends ago we had my daughters 6th birthday party at this place that is like Chuck E. Cheese on crack AND steroids. We spent 300 DOLLARS ON 7 KIDS PLUS MINE! Thats not even including presents.... Anyways. Turns out that I am the odd mom out at school because almost ALL of the other moms knew each other. I was totally left out at my OWN DAUGHTERS PARTY! Which is not fair, because the spot light should have been on me... Ehm... I mean my daughter.
It's horrible.

[Mrs. Chicky]

This is terrifying, but not unfamiliar. The same types can be found in my daughter's toddler playgroup. Is there a Group F? Moms who hide in their homes with the blinds shut?

[DianaCLT]

Wow, Linsey...just...WOW! The nerve of that bi--- of a woman to speak to you that way!

I'm having issues with Ben's school. He's doing okay - I'm the one with the issues. I really REALLY love Ben's old school - a private school for pre-school through 5th grade. I went back-and-forth about keeping him there this year, but didn't for a couple of reasons: the cost really was killing us by the end of the year; and because they wanted him to go into Pre-K this year due to his birthday, and I feel he's ready for Kindergarten.

So - Ben is at the public school. And contrary to popular belief, the families at the private school were SO nice and warm and welcoming...and I just loved them. It's the people at the public school that are cold and distant! I make friends easily - I can carry on a conversation with just about anyone. At Ben's new school? Nothin'. I can't get anyone engaged in conversation. Hell - I can't get anyone to even exchange smiles! The teachers don't even talk to the parents - isn't that part of their job description?!?

One of the moms finally sort-of talked to me yesterday after drop-off. SORT-OF. She was more interested in groping my baby girl than talking to me. Seriously. The standard person might lightly stroke a baby's cheek or something. This woman palmed my almost-5-month-old daughter's head and ran her fingers through her hair. WHO DOES THAT?!? Today - I don't think she even said anything to me - just reached into the stroller and squeezed her cheeks. Aack! I'm not a germaphobe, and I'm not anti-affection, but sheesh!...doesn't she know anything about personal space? I don't know this woman - what the hell is she doing, getting all touchy with my baby?!?

Anyway - I am a lonely soul at the school. Ben's birthday is next month. He wants to invite all of his old class, and a few kids from this class. I do not know these new kids, nor do I know their families. So - not so comfy having them over to my house...but what do I do?

[Amanda]

I guess I am kind of in between the Group B and Group E. Depending on the day. I try to get dressed, and my drop off is at 9. Frankly, if I am not dressed by then the prospects for my day are pretty grim. I have windows. The extent of dress really depends on if it is a work day or not, as does the amount of time I hang around.

Oh, and MOPS is a church group for moms of preschoolers. It was a great resource for me when I moved to NY and didn't know anyone. Try it out.

[Becki]

I heart the bus so very much. I am definitely a group D kinda gal, otherwise.

[Rachel]

I'm group E. I was trained before my kids started pre-school. The daycare lady looked and me, smiled and said,"it's better if you don't stay. You know like ripping off a band aid". So now I just drop and go. I smile at the parents I know are part of the class and say good morning, but that's about it. I guess I'm just anti-social.

[steph]

MOPS is religious.

that's all I feel comfortable saying...

:-)

[B]

I made my best friend ever when I dropped K off at preschool. We'd go get coffee and talk about how we are too busy to make friends. Then both of our husbands got jobs at opposite ends of the earth. That sucked. Now, it's mostly, "Oh, hey, where did you get those leggings? I'm not finding any in her size." Kind of small talk. I miss my friend!

[janny226]

Unfortunately for what it says about the faith I (and, supposedly, they) practice, MOPS moms oughta know better. Sorry, darlin'!!

[Isabel Kallman]

guess which one i am. cmon' just guess!

[Lena]

Oh, Isabel. You do Alpha Moms everywhere proud.

[Michelle]

Because I have 5 years before I have to worry about this I can laugh at it now!

[Becky]

You should see the other moms at our drop off. I think I may be the only one who has showered by pick up most days. We have got to get out of this neighborhood.

So needless to say: Group E, baby!

[Mommasworld]

Snow White goes to daycare since I work away from home. There have been times when I need to drop her off at school with cupcakes or a project she doesn’t want to get ruined on the bus. I pretty much drop her off at the door where the principal waits for all car riders and try not to run over the Alpha Moms who stop in the middle of the lane to chat. I want to honk the horn and yell “I need to get to work! Get out of the way!” Instead… I just sit there smiling behind the wheel until the principal says “Lets move it along ladies.”

[Robin]

Lena not sure where I belong. I am the one with the messy pony tail and pj's on sitting in the car line telling them to hurry up and get out so that no one sees me...then the oh so perfect mommy waves and shudders that I have no makeup, contacts or even a BRA...on..heck its 7:30 they are lucky that I send them to school...

[Dani]

Try not to fret over it. This is just the first year. The group I belong to really depends on my mood that morning. But really the groups will change again and again. There was a group capital A Mom at my sons kindergarden drop off and guess what now? Her little precious angel is the no no friend of almost all the parents. Anothers son is the trouble maker that almost all the parents sware off every year. The kids in a couple of years will fall into thier own groups and we as parents kinda fall into them too. My son now in 5th grade has the same friends that play the same sports whose parents I share snack stand duty with, and the neighborhood kids that eat over at my house on Sat and my son at thiers on Fri we parents are constantly asking each other advice. It all levels out and you will see not all of them but some of the snooty tooty group A's will fall from grace because thier precious angel that is obviously better than all the rest because of the way they are dressed and not to mention look who thier Mom is dugh... will fall from Group A to group F for you are FOREVER banned from hangin out being seen with our sitting at lunch whith used to be A's now F's naughty little brat because I don't want you to be associated with those kind of kids! P.S. Most of the parents even now Know what color my bath robe is and it doesn't matter they don't really care it is just who I am and they just know that before 9 I am still going to have sleepy lines on my face and holding my steaming coffie like it is a blood transfusion.

[Amy]

From the MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) website:

MOPS International Values:
The MOPS International Purpose Statement is reflected in the following values and should be observable in the MOPS organization, ministry and communications.

Organizational Values:
Excellence: The achievement of organizational excellence by conducting all the affairs of the ministry in accordance with biblical principles, sound management, personal and organizational integrity, financial stewardship, and empowerment of the staff to accomplish organizational outcomes.
Heritage: The historical MOPS group structure serves as a model for ministry.
Faith Position Statement: A commitment to the MOPS International Faith Position Statement.
Partnerships/Alliances: Partnership/Alliances where individual strengths are shared for a common purpose.
Local Church: A relationship with the local church, embracing a spectrum of diverse denominations, which are in agreement with our Faith Position Statement.
Governance: The building of the board to model good governance, ensure the election of qualified and committed directors, constantly refine the Standing Policies Manual, and inform board members of major developments.

Ministry Values:
Dignity: The dignity of each human life and of each individual mother of preschoolers, no matter where she has been, what she has done or how she is choosing to live her life today, embracing both believers and nonbelievers and all ethnic and socioeconomic groups.
Women: The equipping of women to become all that God has designed them to be.
Mothering: The value of mothering for its contribution to individuals, children, society at large, future generations and eternity.
Relationships: Relationships including the male/female marital relationship, the parent/child relationship, and the ultimate fulfillment of all needs through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Lifestyle Evangelism: Lifestyle evangelism as expressed through Christ-like relationships in an environment for growth and spiritual development as faith shared through actions and words.
Leadership Development: The equipping of women to gain confidence in their leadership skills and guide others through lifestyle evangelism.

[susu]

My oldest is 12 now, but when she was in Kindergarten, I felt like an IDIOT around the other parents. I was 24 when I had her, so I was younger than the other moms (being 29) and they all seemed so much more organized, so much more together, so much more showered:)...
You will definitely relax as time goes on. If you get a rude one, remember, its not about you...she clearly is an ass and has terrible social skills and is going straight to hell. Don't allow anyone to make you feel inferior. Even now, I look at the alpha moms with distain. I think to myself that they have way too much time on thier hands and not enough stimulation, therefore they worry about mindless crap with the kids. It makes me feel better to know that I have some education, career fulfillment (even working part time and only when the kids are at school...) and an actual personality and interestes outside of parenting. They will someday be pathetic empty nesters and I will have a LIFE.