PSA: Spanakopita Cures Eating Disorders

I was the fat girl.

I was Lotsa Lena. I was "big boned". My mom had to alter all of my pants because every pair that fit me around the waist would extend about a foot past my feet, clearly intended for someone much older than I was. I knew I was a chubby girl. But, I also had a lot of friends and a bossy personality and my size didn't bother me too much. In fact, I clearly remember thinking "Why would I lose weight when I can just wear stretch pants?".

I ate the same amount of food as my 200 pound father. I woke up thinking about food, I whined for food, I went straight for the kitchen when my parents weren't looking. I don't remember feeling depressed or embarrassed about my weight. I don't recall my obsession with food as "comfort eating". I just loved food. And I was unapologetic about it.

I firmly believe my mother had everything to do with this.

As I've mentioned before, my mother is tall and blond and thin and beautiful. At the heaviest time in my childhood, my mother was teaching two aerobic classes a day. She was six inches taller and weighed 20 pounds less. And I never even noticed.

She was entirely dismissive of my weight and my eating habits. As long as I was eating my fruits and vegetables, she never really interfered with my snacking. The words I recall are "I was just like you at your age, honey", "you have my body", "you'll get taller and it will all even out". Even when she said these things, it was only prompted by my occasional concern over my weight.

(Like when the Dumbo ride at Disneyland wouldn't go up while I was sitting in it, so I had to ride around on the ground while everyone else made theirs fly. Awkward.)

But. (And you knew there was going to be a "but", didn't you?) My mother could only insulate me for so long. Eventually, the day came where I was slapped in the face with reality: it was not okay to enjoy food. It was not okay to be wearing women's sizes at 11 years old. And do you know who "enlightened" me?

My grandmother.

I was visiting my grandparents during the summer with five of my cousins. (One of which I had a tremendous crush on - mainly because he would steal Doritos with me in the middle of the night.) One evening while my grandmother was serving ice cream, she broke my little pudding heart.

As she scooped two scoops for everyone else, she gave me only one. Then she said "NO SECONDS. I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU!".

Everyone laughed. I was stunned. What could she possibly mean? She'd heard about me? What had she heard? That I was a spelling champion? That I was the teacher's pet? That I skipped a grade? That I had tons of friends? That I was funny? That I sang about God? That I was smart beyond my years? All those things that made me proud?

Wait. She said "No seconds". I realized she was referring to the ice cream. She had HEARD ABOUT ME EATING TOO MUCH.

I swear to you, an eating disorder was born in that day. I hate to oversimplify it, but I remember the shift in my thinking. A shift that would carry me through diets, and pills, and obsessive exercise and anorexia.

Connecting the two is not difficult. Because I remember the day 12 years later when I tried on size 0 (Z-E-R-O) pants in a BeBe dressing room and they were loose. "It's almost like I don't even exist." It felt thrilling.

And do you know who I thought of? My grandmother.

Of course, as I've grown comfortable with myself as a woman, I've let myself relax into a pretty healthy size. I continue to unapologetically love food (Spanakopita dipped in cream cheese!) and I constantly fight against the demons in my head that tell me I'm at my most loveable at a size zero. I owe that fight to the STEADY voice inside my head. The one belonging to my mother.

I write about this because I cannot stop thinking about this quote Yvonne posted from the book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters:

Would you rather be mean or stupid than fat? And what, exactly, is "fat"? Five pounds overweight? Fifty pounds? At what point would you rather be dead... if you're a mom - at what point would your daughter want to be dead? Have you asked her?

There are plenty of recent reports that support this notion that many women would rather be mean or stupid or even dead than fat.

These women were once little girls. Little girls who wanted another scoop of ice cream. Little girls who grew into women who felt a thrill in a dressing room when they realized they had the power to almost disappear. Would rather be dead.

My little girl. My precious, happy, loving, vibrant, smart, beautiful little girl. Who loves to eat. Who asks for 15 snacks a day. Who dreams of treats. Who always wants seconds. Who has a little belly.

I know I have her heart in my hands. I know that everything I say and do and teach her regarding food and her body will need to stand up to our society and even asshole relatives (not that she has any). I know it is up to me to teach her the difference between "healthy" and "thin". I know it's up to me to teach her to love herself.

Sometimes it feels like a race to love myself first.

So I ask you, do you interfere with your kids' eating?

Do you think that there is a harmless way to curtail their eating if they're overweight or obsessed with food? Or is it more important to protect their psyche and say nothing? Does telling them to "only eat when you're hungry" make them feel shame for enjoying food for the taste of it?

Lastly, do you think I enjoyed my TWO SCOOPS of ice cream last night??

~~~~~~~

**I swear it is so not my fault that I haven't posted. Our new internet provider is so awesome that they didn't turn on our internet, phone, or cable for over a week! Despite my constant begging. And tears. Apparently, they were waiting for my HUSBAND TO CALL FROM WORK WHILE I WAS IN CHICAGO AND DEMAND IT BE TURNED ON IMMEDIATELY, WHICH IT WAS. Cox Communications are misogynistic bastards. Tell your friends.

Comments

[Stephanie]

My 5 year old is only 34 pds. She is under the 10% on the charts. But she is extremely healthy. To a limit, I let her eat as she wants, when she wants, but I limit her junky snacks. I've just always done this. Struggling with weight myself I figured if I started good habits early it would be easy. Her favorite snacks are banannas and apples. Peanuts, peanut butter crackers, and cheetos. I just try to limit it nicely. I had a friend here today who has her overweight 9 year old son on a hip hop dance diet or some shit like that. He tried to grab a second cookie, and she LOUDLY says, "One is enough for you and pats his stomach." Embaressing for the poor guy. Then they left and she took him to fast food for lunch.
When my kids want snacks I give them to them. But if they allready had junky snacks then they get fruit or something else healthy. But I do the same for myself. I have to set the example for them.

[Amy H]

Right now, I worry about them eating enough. The Man tends to play "clean plate club." I told him I don't like this. I'm not worried about Ninja Boy EVER gaining weight, but he does have problems with his appearance because he's so skinny (not bad, just the occasional lack of self-confidence). Sunshine is super healthy, too. I've done my damndest to not introduce the phrases "I'm fat" or "I need a diet" (coincidentally, my first phrase!) into her vocabulary. We talk about what kinds of foods are healthy to eat and which kinds are just treats to have once in a while. We talk about the food groups and exercise and I think I really trust that we've put a good example in her head. But the dinner thing scares me with her. They say that CPC teaches kids to ignore their inner senses that say "I'm hungry" and "I'm full." And, even though she's really healthy now...she comes from a "Thunder Thigh" family (THEY taught me that phrase...they are all very heavy in the bottom half...even young auntie who was just 120 three years ago)...and teaching her to ignore what her body wants is wrong and it's going to make her...like me. (Honestly, one of my hardest habits to break when I lost my 30 lbs was to stop eating the rest of the sidedishes in pans because they were simply THERE and I didn't want to waste them.)

Anyway, I know this is going to be ginormously long once I paste it in and I'm sorry. I totally get what your saying. I let the kids make most of their own choices (though, I buy the food in the first place...that's being sneaky). I would definitely never EVER single one out (except NB who gets FULL fat stuff over the rest of the family).

[Tessie]

I had the same visceral reaction to Y's post, and I wrote about it last week.

Scary that we can do everything right, like our moms did, and still someone can just roll right up and f it up with one comment.

[Wendy]

Oh, I hope you enjoyed it. Ice cream is just about the best thing in the world.

I was the overweight grandchild. I remember my grandma telling me to "lose it now - it's so much easier when you're young". But then she would feed me, showing love with baking cookies and bringing me salty snacks while we watched The Price is Right. I went on my first diet at The Diet Center when I was 12 years old. I knew my grandma was proud when I lost weight (can you say starvation diet?), and I was embarassed when I gained it back.

I have all kinds of food issues, and I can honestly say that I've never eaten "because I was hungry". It's my emotions, celebrations, stress, boredom, all scooped up and shoved into a waffle cone, something with nuts, please.

My family never did or said anything cruel, but I was VERY aware that I would be better in everyone's eyes, including my own, if I weighed less. I still think I'm better when I'm having a skinny phase. I'm 38 now, and I often look at my two boys and my husband and I joke (sorta) that we are glad they didn't inherit our fat genes (we got to adopt them). Food and weight is something I think about every single day, and I hate that I am a slave to it. I don't want them to hate their bodies like I usually hate mine.

[Michelle]

My grandmother did the same kind of thing to me (hence my mother's anorexia when I was a child). She was always saying "You have such a pretty face, if only..." trailing off and leaving off the "if only you weren't fat". I look at photos of myself from childhood. I was convinced I was a blimp all of those years. Honestly looking at the photos now? I might have been the slightest bit chubby but in no way was I obese until I heard the "if only" thing for about 8 years...then I lived up to the hype.

[qwyneth]

I'm new here. Hi!

My father was an almost-pro linebacker (he declined the invitation due to neck problems), and my mother was a thin, blond, bombshell with an unhealthy attitude towards weight and her body. I got my father's genes, and my mother's disorder.

I remember, from the time I was a very little child, being aware of weight and size--and particularly of my weight and size not being ideal. When I was probably 4 or so I went to a spectacular gymnastics birthday party and came home dying to take gymnastics classes. My mother refused, telling my that I wasn't built to do gymnastics. That only very small and thin little girls were good at gymnastics. She later claimed it was because she didn't want me developing an eating disorder and stunted growth, but...the damage was done anyway. My body was bigger than other girls, and therefore worse. (The twisted thing is that I was in wonderful health and shape--the only reason I may have been bigger than other girls was because my father was built like a tank.)

I got the disordered eating anyway. Mom regularly packed me smaller lunches than all of the other kids (even though I was no smaller or less active), and ruthlessly controlled my snacking. If I asked for a snack she would tell me the number of crackers I could have. And if we had guests over and I tried to help myself to appetizers, she would regulate how many I could have, which was usually less than the other kids. I never learned self-moderation in snacking and treats, with her taking such iron control of me, leading to struggles with overeating and bulimia later on.

I'm lucky now; my fiance has a son instead of a daughter. (We have full custody of him.) We try to teach him about the different kinds of foods, and how candy and fast food and other treats are not bad, but simply to be eaten in moderation--just as video games are awesome, but to be balanced out with running around and reading. He seems to be taking it well, but I worry about him picking up my toxic attitude, despite my efforts to keep him sheltered from it.

[Karianna]

My son was recently given some (long-term) medication, a side-effect of which is weight gain.

I am embarrassed to admit that I keep worrying about it - and yet, because he's a boy, his weight probably won't matter as much as if he were a girl.

[Melanie]

I have to say that I think having a boy makes it easier. Yes, this is sexist, but it's true. I mean, he's only 5, but I still feel like there's less pressure on me and on him to worry about food or weight because of him being a boy. I don't have to worry about Bratz dolls and Barbie and fashion magazines and all the crap that goes with being female.

The thing is, though, he looks at me and says "Mommy, you are fat" or "Mommy, that lady looks like you, only skinnier!" or "Mommy, you're beautiful even though you're fat" and my heart breaks a little, because boy or no, what am I teaching him by being overweight? What lessons is he learning from the way his father and I interact over my weight, by the way I talk about myself, by the way I eat?

I think I know if he was female what I'd be setting him up for, but what happens to boys? That, I have no idea. I hope so much that it's just that he learns to accept women as beautiful at all different sizes, but I worry, too. Because whether I want to admit it or not, boys can have problems with food and eating and weight, too, especially in the image-obsessed society we live in, and in so many ways I am so unprepared to help him with that just because of his gender. Ugh, I sound utterly sexist now.

[Jurgen Nation]

"It's almost like I don't even exist." Exactly. I think of my mother just before and after I think this.

[islaygirl]

i've had an eating disorder since i was 12. i am now 37. i am much, much wiser than i was when i was a size 4, and i've mostly come to terms with all of it, and i eat well now (hell, i eat, period).

The biggest incentive to get drown out that voice that never shuts up is my precious, precious daughter. the first (and only) time she said, 'why aren't you having dinner, mommy?' was like a bucket of cold water.

i never, never want her to ever hear that voice that i beat down every day.

[Melissa]

Okay, everyone will "hate" me (cause that's what I've been told all my life) but my story is different yet the same. I was always WAY too skinny. Why do I even hate saying that? Because I get told, "OMG, I hate you :0)" I was and I was never happy with myself, I wanted to gain weight, I wanted to have a butt and boobs and a body that looked like a teenage girls should. And every time I complained I got told, by my aunts, friends, friends of my mom, even sometimes my mom, "I hate you" with that little smile that meant they didn't really mean it. But hey, it's still stuck with me today and I'm 30 so what's that tell you?
I guess my point is that we as women just have a body image "thing" no matter what our weight happens to be and life is so much better when we learn to love ourselves and take care of ourselves. Let's hope that we all can pass that along to our daughters and also stop "hating" each other :o)

[joy]

my mother was a weight watchers lecturer. yessireee.

i remember being about 12 and told that my big arse came from my dad's side of the family. nice...

(love my mum, but C'MON!)

[Rebecca]

My daughter is five and it is so hard to instill those healthy eating habits in her! Growing up, we were a 'clean plate' house, which was fine with me. That is one rule we do not use with our daughter. I was never overwieght by more than 5-10 lbs, until the last few years and I really don't like talking about dieting and such with my husband when she is around. She is allowed healthy snacks when she wants, fruit or veggies... One junky snack (like crackers) a day. I notice she asks for snacks a lot when she is bored so I will distract her with a game or something. If she asks a second time I know she is really hungry and not just wanting something to do.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Have I told you lately how much I love you, Lena?

My husband is a big guy and I spent most of my childhood being the super-skinny kid. We both suffered the taunts and teases for our sizes and my hope is that my daughter got the best of both of us. But what will I do if my daughter is more like my husband? Not that it would be a bad thing if she's bigger, but I feel ill equipped to deal with it. This really was an important post, Lena. Thank you.

[Amanda]

I hope that it is OK - I linked to this post in my blog today - http://blondiemommy.blogspot.com/ - I wanted to comment here, but I had more to say than would fit. To sum it up, I say Amen Sister to those two scoops! And I will be earnestly reading the comments. Thanks for a great post!

[Mommasworld]

You would think Body Image presure would come from strangers and not people so close to you. I had the same problem with friends and some cousins. Your post reminded me of what I went through for years. I started to write a comment here but it became a HUGE thing so I posted it on my blog and linked to you here :-)

http://mommas-world.blogspot.com/

[Mommasworld]

Amanda - you too! I am not the only one! :-)

[penny]

atrocious parenting continues to show up all over the news. when will parents learn? check out this story: http://www.mypetpeeves.com/plog/index.php/archives/2760

[Sensible One]

Yes, I absolutely interfere with their snacking and their all-around eating habits in general. I have boys, which makes it a little different, but not entirely so. They are allowed one sweet treat per day, and they self-regulate that for the most part. Other than that, I'm a little passive agressive about it in that we only have healthy snacks available to them. We've made it not so much a weight issue, but an overall health issue.

[Lena]

Rebecca - So true. Many times it really is just that Savannah is SO DONE with me being on the computer. BLOGGERS' GUILT!

[Mom of a Munchkin]

This was such a profound post. I often worry and wonder about how I will help my daughter be healthy and have a healthy self image. Thank you for touching on this topic!

[Alice]

i was in the same boat as melissa - waaaay too skinny growing up (despite eating like a horse) and longing for boobs, hips, a butt.. clothes don't fit right on rail-thin kids either (would either have to cinch about 6 inches off the waist or have the legs be 4" too short) and i was convinced no one would ever want to date me because it would be like hugging a clothes hanger made of elbows. and it's not something i could ever talk to my friends about, for the same reason - all i'd get is "oh shut up! you're so lucky!" when i DEFINITELY did not feel lucky. ahh, being a girl. we'll be effed up about our bodies no matter how we look.

[gorillabuns]

struggling with the mean and skinny or fat and nice issues myself, i try not to show this side to my girls.

i provide healthy choices with a few bad ones in the mix. if you can't have ice cream and someone is always telling you no at every turn, then you will automatically go for the ice cream. everytime.

[Annette]

I finally reached a point a few years ago where I could look in the mirror and say I'm happy... no matter what the size. I had been so consumed with weight and eating and weight and eating. Still get bugged out sometimes though when a size 6 friend complains about how HUGE she is while I'm sitting in front of her in my size 16-18 clothes....so, if she's HUGE then she must think I'm an elephant... and what messsage does that send to her kids and mine?

[Hatchet]

We control what my daughter (and we, in turn) eat by not buying junk food at all. She snacks on fruits and vegetables (She loves red bell peppers! Who knew?) and if she's given candy at parties or by well-meaning grandmothers, the candy gets placed on a cabinet shelf and she gets to choose between a piece of candy or regular dessert with her father and I. We usually have ice cream because, hey, I'm no angel! However I prefer something like an all natural ice cream over gum or M&Ms any day. With the candy out of sight, it is also out of mind and many months can pass while it sits there, forgotten. Until I can throw it away.

I also make her school lunches (in a Laptop Lunchbox - so cool!) and control her eating at school that way. I was told by a couple of her teachers that she consistently has the healthiest lunches at school and I think this explains why she's hardly ever ill. Totally worth the time and effort, even if she does beg for cafeteria food.

On the weight issues front, I stopped mentioning my weight, needing to lose weight, or calling myself fat around my daughter at all when she started asking if she was fat or needed to go on a diet at THREE. I was clearly causing the problem with my own body issues. So I stopped talking about it and changed it into "I need to get in shape! I need to get stronger!" and that has helped immensely.

Good luck!