Savannah and Her Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I came this close to ripping Savannah's doll out of her hands and tossing it out the window yesterday.

Completely serious.

Yesterday was stressful for a few reasons:

I had a ton of writing to do (I know, WHERE IS IT? The point is, I never got to any of it), our mortgage just adjusted (to such an alarming amount you would think we were renting a villa in Cannes), and my house was a disaster (because the Ukrainian woman who used to come once a week now just calls and leaves cryptic messages instead of actually showing up).

In other words, I was broke and busy and depressed.

But, do you think that stopped me from chucking everything and taking my daughter to see "Firehouse Dog"? No, it did not.

And while we were at it I said "Why not go to Friends 2 B Made too and make you a sister since mommy's effed up uterus can't provide more than a coma-inducing crime scene period?".  Even when the lady rang us up for the $50 doll I thought "That's okay! You can't put a price on fun!".

And it would have been okay.

If my daughter had not decided to send me a message. And, from what I can tell, the message was "Don't feel too good about yourself, mom".

Here's how it went down:

On the way home, aglow with the day, I said "Today was fun, wasn't it?".

And she said "It wasn't that fun".

Wasn't THAT fun.

I can't tell you how much red I saw. I couldn't even trust myself to respond right away because I knew something was going to go out the window ...and it was between myself and the doll.

I said something along the lines of "You need to be more appreciative! We work hard, blah blah blah." There were frustrated tears. There were half-hearted apologies.

And then later? She said it was "the worst day ever". The worst day EVER!!

I understand she's just a child, but I just couldn't shake my irritation. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to ignore your work and your dirty house to go spend money you don't have so you can MAKE MEMORIES for your child just to have them pout and complain that it was their worst day ever?

This isn't the first time this has happened either. It's like she wants to impress upon me that she is not easily satisfied. What I can't figure out is why she feels the need to let me know that she isn't happy despite my efforts to please her.

For the first time I feel like I just don't understand her - I cannot relate.

I was talking to my friend this morning, who had a rocky home life as I did growing up, and she said "Kids want everything to be perfect. Our kids have it so easy that they have no idea how wrong it can go and so quickly. When we were kids, you took your doll and you shut up."

I've been thinking about what she said and wondering if my daughter's behavior is a product of "too much too often". I wonder, is she spoiled? Does she feel entitled?

Or is it the opposite?

Does she feel so neglected that when she sees me put forth an effort she doesn't want me to stop trying?

Does anyone else feel like their kids have a little handbook entitled "How To Make Mommy Lose Her Freaking Mind"?

Comments

[Jay]

First comment? Awesome. All are below me.

A few years ago, my then 7 year old stepson finished opening up 10 or so Christmas gifts (keep in mind there was also stuff from his Dad, and his Dad's family, and others on our side of the custody agreement as well), after the last of which he said "Is that it?" I immediately grabbed one that I knew he really wanted and explained how he would be donating it to charity, and continued to explain the huge need some children are facing.

Last Christmas saw a lot more appreciation.

[Kirsty]

I hear you, Lena! I feel pretty much like you just about every day. I love my daughters to bits and look forward to seeing them every day when I pick them up from school, yet after about 10 minutes of whining and complaining, I feel the rage and anger bubbling up inside me and, sooner or later (usually sooner), it just explodes out of me, usually resulting in at least one of the three of us in tears. Bath time has become a nightmare of lack of cooperation, pigheadedness and bad mommyness. I'm starting to think that I need help.
I also find it amazing that after all the shouting and yelling, after all the bad mommyness, my younger daughter (just turned 3) always says how much she loves me. That's the final straw and what makes me sob alone late at night. She loves me, she adores me, yet I feel so bad, I treat her with such impatience...
Her big sister occasionally tells me she loves me, but she's more of a daddy's girl, so it's rare.
But she just made me two fabulous mother's day gifts (3 June here in France) and that made me feel bad and evil all over again.
I often wonder if they're spoiled, or just plain difficult. Because I know they're nice kids, but sometimes it's true I feel that all the effort I make to make them happy isn't appreciated, probably because their lives are so much easier than mine was as a child.
Heavens, it's hard being a parent!
Thanks for your blog, Lena, you make me feel less alone!

[b]

You know what? It's a great time to teach how many kids don't even have enough food, and have her do some charity work or donate some toys and clothes to charity. I know she's only five, but one year I dressed up as an elf and delivered toys with my uncle who dressed as Santa. Anyway, I was only 6, but I remember those houses and the clothes those kids wore. It was sad, but awesome that I was able to help make their Christmas happy.

[Lauren]

sounds like she knows it's a trigger point for you...

[theotherbear]

I don't have any answers but I bet she hurt your feelings when she said that - I just wanted to say I am SURE she didn't mean it, she was just being a kid.

[mandy]

I can't believe what I am reading here, it is a copy of my week! I have 4 kids, a 16 year old, 5 year old step, 1 year and 3 month old. I am busy caring for everyone and cooking and cleaning constantly, it seems. The other day my step-daughter was talking to her daddy as he just got home from work and she said, "daddyyy, whenn are we finally going to have some funnnn??" I was like, uh..kid, I just spent my freakin day in the sweltering heat so you could ride your bike and get squirted with the hose...and have FUN. Wasted time, on my part. Never appreciated. Then we were eating dinner, my DH lovingly said how it was his fav meal, she was like..."wellll, it's not MY favorite." I was a bit ticked about that too..she's 5 for god's sake. How can a 5 year old make us feel like such crap. Truth is, she's so spoiled at her mother's and they put up with anything that comes out of her mouth. I will teach her to be grateful, if nothing else! We have serious discussions with her each time she says something rude like this. Not that it has done any good, she says something daily that is completely ungrateful...spoiled, yes. For her birthday this year in March, we blew up balloons everywhere and had an awsome cake. (MIL) She got a bike from gram and toys galore...she went home and complained that we didn't put up any streamers like we did for the one year old's party. That is the only thing that stood out! (I have since given away the toys we bought her, and she is visiting again and has not even noticed!) One more...my 16 year old was complaining to a friend of mine that she has never had a real "birthday party..." something about me never caring enough to do anything special for her. (compared to "my sweet 16" maybe) I had to confront her and seriously remind her of every birthday party I busted my as* to throw for her every year...she was like, "oh yeahhh, I remember that." Stupidly, I busted my butt for her sweet 16 and had 50 people in my house, surpised her with her long distance boyfriend and best friend from another state...not even a thank you. I tell ya...

[Amanda]

Just last weekend I told my 5 year old to play with her toys - they were everywhere. She refused, and insisted on just being right on top of me the entire morning. I told her I'd just pack them up & give to a little girl who had no toys. She said "Ok, I don't care." ??!!!??

I didn't, but the thought REALLY crossed my mind. Instead, I packed up a lot of it to put away for a while. In a few months I'll drag them out, and they'll all be new again. (Yes, I've done this before) From now until Christmas, no new toys will enter this house. When we go out now to the store, it's with the understanding that we will buy clothes or shoes if needed, but that's it.

[Missie]

I would have taken the doll right then, and said, "okay, since it wasn't that fun, the doll can go to a home where they always have lots of fun." I would not have let that ride. Big long explanations about hurt feelings, etc, dont work at this age.

We are doing our best to teach our 11yo son to be grateful, and for the most part he is, but just yesterday I had had it. Neither my husb or I had braces growing up, and we both needed them, but our families wouldn't get them for us. So now Son has braces for 2days and he is complaining nonstop about how much they hurt. After being very understanding and saying, "the medicine will start working soon," he blew up and said, "You said that an hour ago! Having braces sucks! I wish I never would have gotten them!" I.SAW.RED. I said, "Listen, bub. Do you know how long I have to work to pay for those? If we bought NOTHING, no pop, no clothes, no food, didn't pay for our house or our gas or ANY SINGLE THING, for two solid months, then I would have made enough to pay for those braces. So while you are complaining about how they hurt, please stop to think about how many hours I have to sit at my desk working away so you have something to gripe about!" That shut him up.

Kids.

[MJ]

I wonder sometimes if I'm not raising two of the most ungrateful children ever. They throw me for a loop by being angels outside the house. LOL It seems like EVERY time I go out of my way to get them something special, either myself or DH has to tell them to SAY THANK YOU! I can see the happiness the gift brings, why can't they JUST IMMEDIATELY SAY THANKS? GAH!

[Jamie]

My children definitely have that handbook!!

Great post!

Sometimes you have to cut kids some slack. I had parents who had hard childhoods and I completely appreciate everything they have done to give me beter. But at the same time, no matter what I do its not good enough because they had to work harder when they were kids. Of course, make your kids appreciate what they have, but don't hold them accountable for making you feel better about what you missed out on when you were a kid. Ex. Don't yell at him because he is in terrible pain from his braces just because you never got braces.

Its a fine line to balance making you kids appreciate what they have and making them never feel like they appreciate it enough.

[laura]

It sounds to me that she's just a little kid being a thoughtless little kid. At this age they are so egocentric. I bet in a week or two she'll say, Mama - remember that awesome day we had!

[Michelle S.]

Stuff does not make kids happy. Your time and attention makes kids happy...

My sons don't typically get presents for "no reason", just Christmas and birthdays and "grading" (major events only)...we rarely buy something just because we're at the store, and compared to most of his friends, our Christmases seem pretty "small"...BUT we have a lot of family time and we play with the boys a LOT...

I look at his buddy across the street who every day it seems shows up with some new gadget or toy (and not dollar stuff...I mean big ticket items! $50 is a big ticket item to me)...but his dad buys him "stuff" all the time because he's away a lot and he and sister are left alone (a LOT - which bothers me).

I don't see him laughing up a storm or all of his "things" making him happier...in fact, he's becoming a very moody kid...small wonder. Mind you, they have the best of everything...

So yes, fewer toys, more time doing simple things together...and I definitely would have taken the doll away too...even if it's just put away for awhile.

Sorry this is long, but I feel pretty strongly about this issue and we are SURROUNDED by materialism and it is not a good thing!!

[Amy H]

Neither of my kids are immune to the “I wants!” and “Can I haves?” – but Sunshine is far more appreciative than Ninja Boy. Okay, except for when we go shopping and she’s says, “All I got was,” that irks me (because we don’t get to shop as often anymore). But NB really gets on us. No matter where we go, the zoo, the apple orchard, the library – whatever we do isn’t good enough. Either we’re jerks for not shelling out for snacks every time he sees one or we walk too much or he just wants more. And you know, I’m absolutely positive he gets too much. He remembers BEING when his dad was really broke and they lived in the ghetto, but he doesn’t have any recollection of the power getting shut off or not having food for breakfast. So, as far as he remembers, he just had fun and didn’t have stupid stuff like homework and a room to clean. I thought getting them involved with charity would make him more empathetic and appreciative. It worked for SS, but didn’t work for NB. I hate to say this, but he’s just like his mom. His mom has spent her entire life doing nothing and skating by on mooching off others and just bitching about how tough the world is on her. She even now has him convinced that school’s not important because you don’t need a good job! Look! She works at Menards and gets by just fine! He doesn’t need to get an education! (I’m not dissing cashiers, I just don’t want my kid to aim for that with his education.) I really don’t know, Lena. But I get just as frustrated. I’m always left thinking, “Then what IS good enough for you?”

[MJW]

Kids learn to manipulate at a young age (whether they realize they're doing it or not). It sounds like Savannah's learned that if she can say stuff to get you mad, your anger will make you feel guilty, and then she benefits from your guilt--either by getting more of your time and attention because you feel bad about getting angry with her, or whatever other ways we try to alleviate our guilt over getting frustrated with our kids (presents, treats, watch a movie with them, play an extra game, etc.) So I'm guessing that when she says stuff like that, it's not because she's actually not grateful, but because she's trying to get a "2 for 1" deal---she gets the doll, plus extra attention if she can make you mad, then guilty, then trying to get her to forgive you for getting mad at her.

[Mommasworld]

Now that my income is four times what it was I tend to have less time my children and spend more money on my children. ManSon (19 yrs old) brought me to reality when Snow White (11 years younger than him) about putting her breakfast dishes in the sink. He said she did not appreciate the little things in life as she get everything she wants and does not want. He said if she didn't have everything maybe she would enjoy little things like picking up her own dishes. He told her of things he and I did when he was little (fishing, walking 8 miles to Grandma’s, washing dishes together as entertainment) . He made it sound like a far of wonderful place. Obviously life was more enjoyable, more fun, more real for him back then.

My lesson learned - my children want time doing normal every day things, not rushing about to fantastic children’s plays and structured activities. Rushing her and there all the while thinking how exciting and fun it was. How much I would have enjoyed them at her age. How we couldn’t afford to do these things when I was little.

Later I realized she would have much rather played in the mud with me or paint. Her favorite thing to do over the past few years is sit at the table and paint with Mommy. It does not matter what we paint as long as she can pick out her own colors and work on her own projects. At home. With me. When asked what she enjoyed the most this past year she mentioned…

Teacher Project (http://mommas-world.blogspot.com/2007/06/crafty-day.html)

and the Dollhouse (http://mommas-world.blogspot.com/2007/02/dollhouse.html)

[vicky]

I would ask her why she thought the day wasn't that fun and why she had thought that it was the worst day ever.

Also, I would have asked her, "How can we can make it a better day?" Let her tell you why, then there is no mystery.

Communication clears up misunderstandings and is the key to understanding our children, or anyone in our lives for that matter:)

[Roxanne]

As soon as my daughter realized at a young age that she could pretty much get anything she wanted, she would promptly tell me the toy was "eh." At that moment I realized she didn't appreciate what was given to her. So to teach her a lesson I grabbed a trash bag and proceeded to clean out the toy room. She was upset as expected but I told her there were kids out there w/ nothing and would really appreciate what was given to them. Surprisingly enough she helped me and even said what toys she wouldn't miss. Sure there was a toy here or there she said she would miss but she understood.

Today whenever we go shopping she'll ask for an item. I often tell her I don't have the cash and at first she was angry but now she's over it. She appreciates it more when I surprise her w/ an item.

I don't make it a habit of taking her to the movies or anywhere fun unless I intend to surprise her. If I tell her ahead of time, the day isn't special. She often tells me that she likes it when I surprise her b/c it makes the day even better. She's almost 9 and she'll still talk about how I surprised her by taking her to Build-A-Bear three years ago. Those are the memories I want her to cling on to.

[Mia]

Kids are a pain in the ass. Period.

[b]

Owe you an apology. Here I was being all preachy and my little 3 year old tells me, "Let's give my toys to some
poor kids so you can buy me some good ones." I couldn't even respond, so I just walked out of the room.

Guess who woke up with an empty play room? I told her I was going to make it a sports room for her daddy and she about died. Sometimes it's fun to get on their level. Little stinkers.

I feel your pain. My 5 year old daughter can have The Best Day Ever, then, if someone looks at her cross-eyed, holler that it is now The Worst Day Ever, that everyone hates her and she wishes she was never born. The first time this happened, I was horrified. I fell to my knees and covered her in reassuring hugs and love. Which only seemed to prolong the whole scene. Now I just tell the little drama queen to chill out.

[P]

The little manipulator! I think that kind of attitude should equal less time with you b/c she's TOTALLY trying to push your buttons.
I've learned the hard way, from my now 19 year old, that it's no use expecting them to respond in a way that makes you feel good. They rarely do. Now I don't make plans to do stuff unless I too find it fun and enjoying. That way, if I thought it was a fun day, then it doesn't matter so much whether or not she does, too.

[Melanie]

I think it has to do with being really secure with you, as well as perhaps a tad spoiled. I was like that as a kid sometimes, because I was spoiled and had parents who I knew wouldn't really yell at me for acting like that and would always buy me new stuff. My son, on the other hand, realizes that we don't have much money and therefore he doesn't get as much stuff, so he is slightly less monstrous - and when he gets something, he damn well appreciates it. Then again, we do fun stuff all the time, since I work nights I have days to go out to the park and museums and the beach and all that, so maybe he's spoiled that way.....?

[mamatulip]

Oh girl, I hear you. In a roundabout way, Julia told me that I was fat the other day. After I've gone and lost almost fifty pounds over the last little while. I kept telling myself, "She's three, she doesn't know what she's talking about, she's three..."

[mamatulip]

Oh girl, I hear you. In a roundabout way, Julia told me that I was fat the other day. After I've gone and lost almost fifty pounds over the last little while. I kept telling myself, "She's three, she doesn't know what she's talking about, she's three..."