Worth the Wait?

Okay, it's time to get really really honest. Cover the kids in kisses and settle them on the couch with a movie. Or give them a few Disney books and ask them to count all the references to death. Or hand them to the nanny, you elitist you!

In other words, they can't be near you or you won't be able to answer this honestly. You'll see their cherubic face or hear their tiny chirping voice or those chubby fingers turning the pages and you will not be able to refrain from shouting in triumph "Behold! My spawn!"...or something.

Anyway, here's the question: Knowing what you know now, would you have kids when you did?

I've mentioned how I was 23 when I got pregnant with Savannah and how given my upbringing I was practically an old maid. And yet...I wonder.

Chris and I had only been married about three months when I expressed to him in the middle of lunch one day my absolute certainty that I was barren. Did I mention I was reading a lot of infertility blogs back then?

Anyway, I insisted that we should go off the pill "immediately" because "it will probably take at least a year because I bet your sperm count is low or slow or I have cysts or adhesions or unexplained infertility. Most likely. I bet".

Chris expressed some hesitation because we lived in a little apartment, hadn't even begun to pay off our wedding which was entirely on credit cards, and our most romantic vacation had been to Las Vegas. Was he right? Yes. Did he win? No.

I was pregnant six weeks later, my imagined infertility cured!

Now, while I was over the moon about being pregnant and all the financial stuff ended up working out delightfully well by the time she was born, there was one thing I failed to take into account.

Hold onto your hats for this revelation: Once you have a baby, you're no longer alone.

I know! I was shocked too!

All the things we loved to do together: hiking, sleeping in, reading the paper, morning sex, finishing conversations, not playing Connect Four. All of it vanished. And we kept saying "Oh, when she's a little older". But, here's another revelation: the older they get, the more THERE they are.

So, as I approach 30 and my husband approaches something in his 40's I can't help but think back to that day in the restaurant, to that conversation between two freshly married and madly in love young people - one pushy, one indulgent - and wonder what was my rush?

Why didn't I give the "couple us" a little more time before we made it a "family us"?

Look at them. They have no idea that they're going to soon be arguing over thorough nipple washing and how best to get explosive newborn diarrhea out of curtains.

Comments

[Amy H]

I had no choice in the matter. :)

Actually, there were about four months of The Man's separation with The Ex that it was assumed she was capable of mothering. Back then, we got to party and do single-people, child-free stuff. (Though we really didn't).

But then the day came that he had to make a choice and that was to grab the kids and whatever he could hold and get them out of the house before something bad happened to them. It wasn't a big change for him because he was already used to being a dad, But being that NB was born when The Man was 19, those few months were the only Single Guy times he's ever really had.

Somewhere along the way, they became my family...seriously, like they just 'appeared' one day! :)

Been doing A LOT of this What If thinking...I think...even given the way things have gone...I would still do it all the same.

[Michelle]

Infertility issues have made this a moot point in my world...but if I had gotten pregnant the first time I thought I was ready? Oh that would have been a train wreck! So if things (things being my ovaries and uterus) had worked as they are supposed to my answer would be no.

[Bunny]

You pose an interesting question. I do wish we had had more time together just the two of us. But it's selfish, though, I just am longing for time as a wife and lover and friend again. I think it has worked out well in the end for us to have our kids when we did.

[B]

Well since Kate's conception was a pre-wedding gift, I KNOW I would have waited. Although, if it's choice between having and not having Kate, I would opt for an early May wedding instead. Period be damned.

(Yeah, I actually was able to calculate that I wouldn't be on my period on my wedding day a year in advance. Little did I know how moot that point would be.)

I'm happy that I'll still be young when my kids leave the nest. Unless I have a bonus baby at age 42 like my mom did. (Did I just hear God giggle with glee?)

[Laura]

This is a tough one. I got pregnant at 22 (Infertility runs in my family, and I was convinced I'd have a hard time having kids. Imagine my surprise when she was conceived through two methods of BC). I was just out of college, living in an apartment in the city, and my then boyfriend-now husband was still in college.
We were so young. So broke. He got his first real job three weeks before she was born. Took one day off work.
I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and she is the light of my life. I think I will always always wish that we'd had time as a couple, gotten married first, had some money in the bank, etc. But I know that we'll have more money and own a home someday. And just think, by the time we're in our mid forties all of our kids will be out of the house. We'll just have to get in the "us" time then.

[carey]

if i would have been able to i would have had my child sooner. unfortunately, fertility troubles and miscarriages got in the way. but because of all that we got the most amazing little girl and i wouldn't trade her for the world.

[Jennifer]

I sometimes think that I would have waited longer, but I think it's just that I selfishly miss just being "me" and not "Mom". We waited 4 years after getting married to have our first, so it's not like we rushed into things.

[Sam]

You're darn straight I wish we waited! Our son was conceived after 6 months of dating... certainly not ideal!

[Jennifer]

Oh, there are many days I long for the good ole days. The BC (before children) happily married days. The carefree life. So young. So much fun. Sigh. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. HOWEVER, I will still have so much time after they leave, which also makes me teary eyed. Still so young, just also so tired.

[Kim]

A few years earlier might have been good, but definitely NOT in my 20's. I was too immature and having too good of a time. Anytime since about 33 would have been ok, but if it meant trading Kimo for some unknown child - no thanks, I'd do it just the same way again.

Hmm, this is a good question. I got married at 22, 6mths later I was pregnant and had my girl at 23. At the time, we thought we were ready. We had been living together for a year and half or so before we married, and after we did, it was just a natural progression I guess. I knew that I wanted children before I started my career, and I wasn't going to start in my 30's.

In hindsight, I honestly would've waited about 2 years. Dh's career was just taking off when we had her, and had we waited, he would've been around more when she was an infant.

Otherwise, I'm definitely glad I had her young. There's no way I was going to have children in my 30's; it goes against my "master plan"; married, child, travel, career. So far things are going as planned, so I guess things are meant to be just the way they are.

[Tessa]

I would have done it sooner had I been able. I had 3 miscarriages in the 8 years of marriage before having my son. I was 31 when he was born and only by the Grace of God did he get here whole and healthy and did I survive the pregnancy and birth. I almost died in labor. Had horrible preclampsia and borderline eclampsia during the pregnancy. He'll be an only child. I've been told next time I probably won't be so lucky.

[Jeni]

I remember reading after 9/11 that people were asking themselves if they should bring a child into this world, if it was fair to the child, blah, blah, blah... it was all in passing, so I don't remember the details. However, before the planes were allowed back in the air my husband decided he would join the military. I had never wanted children, had an enormous fear of childbirth, wasn't so sure about kids in general... and within 4 months, I quit the pill ( and if I had to do it again, I might remember to tell hubby I quit it... but he wanted kids, so no biggie.) I wanted a child. And I think the big thing was... I loved my childhood so much as a military brat, and I'd love to raise my kids as military brats. And that's the life I knew, so it would somehow make it a little easier. Sure, we could have had more debt paid off before we had kids and it would have been easier, but looking back- I wouldn't put off having kids. They came at the perfect time. I just would have been more careful with money beforehand so we wouldn't have ever had to worry about the debt in the first place.

[Charli]

Having Hali saved my marriage, so no, I am glad I didn't wait. I realize that I was only 20, but this also means, that when I am your husbands age, my daughter will be an adult. You can enjoy things a lot more when you are a bit older and have the money to do so, so this is working out I think...

[Michelle S.]

Hi Lena,
Wow - what a great question. I can answer with absolute certainty that we had our boys at the right time. I got married young (like you). I was 22 and DH was 21...just finishing university. To be honest, when we were first married we talked about NEVER wanting kids...then the years passed, we bought our first house, did some travelling, endured some "long-distance" career adventures and then lo and behold one Christmas Eve we were at my neighbour's house after church and their kids were running around so excited about Christmas and Santa...one of our other neighbours was in the backyard at the window shaking "jingle bells" (like off of a horse team)...I mean the kids were completely beyond excited (I'm sure you can imagine). Anyways, we went home and I looked at my husband and just started crying and said "look what we're missing out on"...he just hugged me and said "I know" and we immediately started "trying"...TWO years later our son was born (the week before Christmas no less!!) Son number 2 came 4 1/2 years after that (we take a long time to have them but man did we get great ones!!)

So we had seven years together pre-kids and now we've been 10 years with kids (btw, I was 29 and 34 when kids were born). I wouldn't change a thing...not that I'm going to pretend that it's all sunshine and roses and puppy dog tails...it's not as you well know. But I do feel very fortunate that we had that time together to explore and get to really know one another...because as someone else said in the comments it's a whole different world once you have kids...a lot of unfinished conversations, a little less spontaneity and a LOT less disposable income!! (HAHA!!)...but the joys so far outweigh those things. We are truly blessed! I love my family! :)

[lisa]

I think no matter what age you are when you have kids there's this sense of loss about who you were before the children. Whether it be the happily married couple or the busy party girl or the busy working woman. I was 38 when I finally gave birth to my delicious daughter so I came to the party from the other side, not at all nostalgic for my days of freedom and couple time. However, I really, really miss my former coworkers but know I can't return to the 80 hour work weeks. I have the most wonderful little girl, the kind of child I dreamed about but I also miss the old me who could put on a slinky dress and attend a wrap party at the end of the season for my old TV show.

[Amy H]

Oooh, that was good, Lisa!!

[Kelly]

I think we did well. At least I think it worked for us. Married young: 22. Had baby at 30, by then we were the old married couple. Almost everyone else in our crowd had been well past the baby making stage and we were the first married.

Totally took the time to be me, us and anything else we needed. Jamaica - check, marathon - check, Hawaii - check, Career - check, turn into the engineering geek they all called me - check.

But you know, I still had problems afterward of missing the old me. Everyone will have that, especially if you linger on it for very long. I have tried to get out with the old crowd and party or whatever, but it just isn't the same anymore.

In the end - totally happy. Although I think we could hit Jamaica a couple more times.

[Kristi]

We got married at 21 and I was 7 months pregnant on our 1 year anniversary. Yes, we should have waited to have our daughter, but I believe it made us stronger. 6 years later was had a son. I was 28, I wish I would have had him sooner but I guess all things happen for a reason b/c son has some speech disabilities and I handle it pretty well now that I'm 33 and have matured a lot. I look at each accomplishment as a good thing and try to not focus on the negative. We have 2 beautiful kids, a new home, and problems sometimes, but lots of love. Oh, and 13 years together!

[Dani]

I was too young, I was way too young. I love being a Mom and it was what I wanted to be when I was growing up. But I was 17 with my first son married away with my fathers signiture. But I was 22 with my second son and 25 with the twins. I will tell you that with each child I was a better mother. More patient, more tentative, more Motherly. Some of this can be chalked up to experience but maturity and wisdom are more a testament. As for the couple thing, I would have liked to have more single time but then what would we have talked about? I look forward to the boys being teens and being able to do bigger things like deep sea fishing with them and my husband instead of going to the kiddy land and dreading it and being so board. But the kids have strengthened us too. We make time for one another and since it it's precious seconds or an occasional date night its romantic and special. I would have waited had I known then what I know now, but not for the responsibility reasons. For reasons like, I would have saved more $, bought a bigger house first, paid off my car, got my doctrate...ate bon bons in bed. But now I know I couldn't live with out them. My oldest is nine now and I long for the moments when I could have said "lets make ice cream sundays" and he would have prefered to do so rather than go play with his friends, I long for the time when I knew everything down to waht color underwear he wore on Tuesday. Now I am the last to hear about everything and left standing looking stupid when he and his friends are laughing about the current inside joke, although he tells me what the joke is now its like a c'mon mom get hip tone.
Wiat? Yep. Regret? Nope
But I do tell my sons no getting married until after they turn 21 and no babies until after they are 25. We'll see.

[Carrie]

What a great question! I'm reading the answers with baited breath. I'm at a real turning point in life right now. DH and I have only been married since September, but I'm 34 and he's 38. My mother started menopause at 36 (almost all the women in my family started before 40) So If I am going to have kids, I'd better start soon. But I am so torn. Half of me would like to have a child, the other half wants to have fun as a couple. I guess I'm just scared of having a child. Of all that responsibility.

[Melanie]

Oh how I wish I had waited until NOW to have kids! I, too, had my first at 23, and when I turn 30 this summer I will have a 6 year old, an almost 4 year old, and a 1 year old. They totally rock and I wouldn't trade them for the world blah blah blah, but I think about all the things I wish I could have done back then and realize a little time alone with my husband would have been just fine. The upside is that when the girls are old enough for us to do all those alone-couply things we will still be pretty young and we'll actually have the money to do them.

[MJ]

I relate so well. I've known my husband since I was 13. We didn't officially become a "couple" until YEARS later when I was 22. We dated oh so briefly, about a whopping 5 months and I found out that I was pregnant. I was on the pill, mind you. Welp, we got married in Sept 95, had a baby on Valentine's day 96 and will celebrate our 12th anniversary this Sept. Do I wish we had more couple time? Sure, we had just started our relationship, BUT, I knew him for YEARS prior. Still, it was nice those 5 months to be ALONE.....but like you said, the older they get, the more THERE they are!

[sam]

I married at 22, had my son at 23, and had my daughter at 26. If I'd waited they wouldn't be here because it would have given me time to notice that my husband and I were completely incompatible.
As hard as being a single mom with an incompatible co-parent has been, I wouldn't change a thing.
My son is about to be 18 and my daughter is 14 and they are the lights of my life. I'm sure I would have married again and had kids eventually, but they wouldn't be these kids and that would be a shame. I'm glad I didn't wait and I think they are too!!

[kelli in the mirror]

I think it's very common to wish that you had gotten to experience everything. Maybe not so much to change it, but who wouldn't like to have couple time, career time, time with the kids, and STILL get them raised and out of the house early?

I was 21 when I got married, 28 and 31 when I had my kids, and so far it's been great. Maybe when I'm 50 and still got kids at home I'll change my mind?