Merry Me

I got married two weeks after my 23rd birthday. At the time I felt ancient. After all, being raised a good Christian girl, most of my friends were married at 18 and having babies before they were old enough to drink.

My mom was always very good about instilling in me the patience not to rush into marriage. I think her exact words were "You're not going to be marrying some snot-nosed mama's boy and living in his parents' garage just because you want to lose your virginity."

Boy, am I glad I listened. Not about the virginity thing, but the other stuff.

I ended up leaving my religion for a time, and while THAT is a whole other area that I doubt I will ever discuss here, my leaving forced me into the normal dating scene. You know, the one where your mom and dad are not sitting behind you and your boyfriend in the movie theatre. The one where maybe you wear a tank top. And maybe there's some necking.

I wouldn't say I dated well. I was thoroughly confused when it came to this dating non-Christian men thing. (You want my roommate to do what with us?) Naively, I fumbled around in more than a few relationships and was repeatedly disappointed. To the point that I stared doing the disappointing first, just to have some control. And so on.

And just when my dating/breakup cycle was starting to repeat itself in this self-destructive way and I was becoming horribly bitter, I stumbled upon Chris. Chris who could pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and also had an encyclopedia for a brain and wore a trench coat that made him look like a detective. And who just so happened to worship me. I was saved from myself.

I'm glad that I had this time to figure out what it was I wanted in a lifelong partner and wasn't forced to pick some random boy who seemed nice enough to marry at the mature old age of 18, but later turned into a raging lunatic. Or worse, a garage dweller whose mom ironed his socks.

For me, it seems like I waited to  get married. But, now that I have a daughter of my own I think 23?? Are you out of your mind? You were an INFANT! I would do it again because I chose well. But, can I expect the same luck with Savannah?

Yesterday I said something to her along the lines of "When you grow up and get married and have kids" and you would think I said "When you drive a nail through your eye" the way she reacted. I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED AND I'M NEVER HAVING KIDS!! NEVER!

And you know what? I felt a little thrill. Not because I don't want her to have a great husband and experience motherhood, but because if she can hang on to this attitude - this patience - and focus on herself - her ambition, her independence - for as long as she can, she will be a better woman for it.

Maybe.

Or she'll wait too long and die infertile and alone.

I want her to experience life and education and travel and relationships. I don't want her to fall into the trap of feeling like there is some invisible timeline that she is expected to follow. Sometimes it's so hard to know what to encourage. Even at five.

How old were you when you got married? Do you wish you had waited? Do you want your kids to do the same?

Comments

[Mir]

I was 22 and for the love of GOD, why didn't anyone smack me?? (But I didn't pick right. *sigh*)

If you ask Chickadee when's a good age to get married and have babies, she'll tell you "At least thirty!" I started training her young. ;)

[Sharon]

I was a few months away from 23. It was a perfect time for us. We went to college together and were engaged a year. Then had our son about 18 months later. This is after I swore my whole life I wouldn't marry or have children. I didn't realize how happy those things could make me.

I hope my son takes his time and sees the potential of both sides: being single and having a family. It would kill me to see him rush into things and be bitter about the outcome.

[Sharon]

I forgot to add...I have a while before I have to worry about it, he's almost 4. :)

[Summer]

I was 22 when I married. I'm fine not waiting. We had to marry quickly, he was moving away. Plus, he's older than me and wasn't about to wait for me to grow up.

I just want my kids (if I have them) to do it when the time is right. Does that make sense? I hate how society makes it seem as though something is wrong if you aren't married by 25.

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

I was 29 closer to 30 when I got married. An old hag.

I was 31 going on 32 when I had my daughter.

I still wish I waited longer. I feel so immature.

I want Stinkfoot to be happy. If that means she's single, married or even the crazy old cat lady...as long as it makes her happy.

And I want her to be brave and take chances because I never did.

[kelli in the mirror]

I was 21. I would do it again because things have gone really well. We've been married almost 11 years now. However, getting married that young doesn't work for a lot of people. I have a lot of divorced friends who had gotten married around the same time I did.
Had my daughter at 28. For her, I don't think it's so much about the age as it is the choice. My mom always said she didn't want me to get married until I finished college, but once I met the right guy she changed her mind.

[Amy]

I was almost 29 when I got married. I wouldn't give up the single/dating years of my twenties for anything. Then we waited to have kids until I was 34. Now, I think maybe it would have been smarter to start the kid thing a little earlier, like 32, since I am wanting number 3 now and I'm already 37.

[janet]

I just got married at 25 and actually feel young. Most of my girlfriends are still single. Hubby is 29 and most of his friends are married by now.

My little sister got married at 21 and I thought it was way way too young. But they are still happy 3 years later.

[Arwen]

I was nineteen. Four-and-a-half years later, I'm happier than I've ever been. And I know I chose right.

However, I'm conflicted about the whole marrying-young thing. I think it's a bad idea a lot of the time, and the statistics bear this out, since divorce rates among young marriers are very high. My daughter (at three months) is years away from it being an issue, but I have three younger sisters and I find myself definitely wanting to counsel them to take their time.

On the other hand, my now-husband and I, young and in love and wanting to get married, almost killed our relationship trying to follow the conventional wisdom and wait until after college to marry. We decided not to wait, and it was the best thing we ever did.

As someone who married quite happily at an age most people would consider very young, I'm resistant to the idea that a person should be single in order to have an adventurous life before "settling down" to the humdrum of marriage, or that putting off marriage is somehow better for one's personal growth. Yes, it's true that a person needs certain measures of self-awareness and self-confidence in order to avoid making huge mistakes (like marrying the wrong person)... but if one does manage to marry the right person, there's quite a lot of awareness and confidence to be gained after marrying. I've had some of my life's best adventures with my husband.

Bottom line, I don't think there's any one-size-fits-all about what age is too young to marry; it's marrying the right person that's important. Once you've got that, the rest is gravy.

[rosie]

So I don't know if I can answer this cause i'm not married (or even close) but it made me think about how by the time my mom was my age she had been married for six years. I was four years old. Once in a while I ask her about what it was like to be 28 with a kid and a husband (a few years later she would have my sister) Usually I ask this after another one of my big relationship/breakup/dissillusionment with relationships cycles wherein I am convicned I will never find the one and/or ever contribute my awesome genetic material to the advancement of the human race (just kidding, the jury is still out on the reproduction decision. There are lots of variables involved). She just gives me this great smile and tells me she's glad she got married and had me when she did (even though my parents divorced) AND she thinks its awesome that I'm experiencing my twenties in my own way - the same thing that she did, because her parents were pretty much set against her getting married while she was in school(or maybe it was just to my dad. we're not quite sure about that one :-) but I think her point is much like what others have said. When it's right, it's right and that means whatever age is okay.

although I think I want to be done with the whole childbearing thing before I'm 40.

[petite mommy]

I got married at age 22 while finishing up my bachelors degree. We are still happily married and we're now 30.

[Amy C]

Another young one here too. I was 21, we will celebrate 10 years next month. I chose well too and we have been very lucky that we have grown up and matured together instead of apart.

[Michelle]

The first time - I was 25. I didn't want to ever get married but fell hard for a guy and agreed. I knew he had faults but thought love would get us through it. It was a fast courtship and a short marriage. What a train wreck.
My second marriage - I was 31. I made the perfect choice and sewed all of my oats first. I traveled. I studied. I partied. Then I met my perfect mate. I don't know at what age, but I hope my daughter holds out for this kind of love.

[islaygirl]

the first time i was 22 and married my college boyfriend. we made the mistake of thinking that we were right for each other because we wanted the same things in life. uh, no.

the second time i was 29, and thought i had chosen right, since we had dated, then broken up for a year and when we got back together it was very coup de foudre, and we got married almost immediately. everything was fine until we got to the having kids part, where he admitted he lied about wanting kids, so i would marry him.

yeah, you can imagine. we're divorced now, and i have the Wee One.

i think waiting is better, as a rule, but there's an exception for every rule ...

[Tyra]

I was/am 26 and my husband was/is 31. He was married before and it didn't last very long. He was young and she was very young. He took a good five years after his divorce to figure some stuff out before he jumped in with me. I felt kinda old since I was the last of my best girlfriends to get married-a la they all brought their babies to my wedding. I loved all of their marriages and spending time with them and their husbands just always solidified in my heart that anything less that what they had, I just wasn't interested in.

My aunt and uncle tried to bribe me to not get married or have kids till I graduated from college, $1000 bucks for graduating from college without a husband or babies and $5000 more bucks for no babies at least three years after I graduated from college. I ended up getting it but not because the money was my motivation. It just worked out that way and I honestly felt like the moo-lah was more of a conselation prize rather than 1st prize for getting out of college not married (I went to BYU, the land of marriage so it actually was something that I got out of there unmarried) I just knew I would get married when I found the right guy and I did. That's all I want for my kids. I think we put too many "should"s on ourselves and others rather than just letting them be and letting life flow the way it needs to flow for that person. I think we mess ourselves up when we make decisions based on the "should"s. I want my kids to experience life's unique path in the way it unfolds itself just for them.

[Foster]

Had it been totally up to us (long story), dh and I would have married at 24.5 and almost 24. Instead, we were married at 25.5 and almost 25. Both of those would have been/are just fine. I have observed in most older adults that the age for when they are comfortable being supportive is at 24 and up. Not that I always think that under 24 is too young, but people tend to have an air of "Okay, theyre 'old enough' now." When I was 21, I thought that would have been a fine age to marry, too, but now I am like, wow that is too young! I think that getting married when we did was just perfect :)

[Amy H]

I'm living in sin. I'm 25. I don't know if we WILL get married. More of a money thing. I often refer to him as Hus because it's easier than explaining that I just happen to be this women who lives in the same house and raises his kids.
The Man said he wants Sunshine (6) to be a lesbian so we don't have to deal with the whole dating thing. I said "WTH makes you think it will be any different if she dates women? Jerks come in all genders." Like everyone else, just want them to do what makes them happy.
My mom was FOURTEEN. Didn't work at all. (!?) My brother was 19 and while they had some problems, they are doing good now. Their faith helped them get through tough spots, so good for them.

[Beth C]

I was almost 31 when I got married. I had to wait because as soon as I would meet a guy I could tell instantly that he wasn't the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. As soon as I met Dan I KNEW he was the one God sent to me. We dated four years before he proposed and were engaged one year before we were FINALLY married. I would have waited forever though because I knew he was the one. I'm glad I waited because no one else could put up with me and I know that we will be together forever. Divorce is not an option for us so waiting until we found each other was the only way to go!

The only downside is that I was 33 and 35 when I had my kids. I would have liked to have been younger but what can you do?!

[BOSSY]

When Bossy's daughter was three Santa built her a stand-in playhouse in Bossy's basement. Bossy knows because she watched Santa build it and it was beautiful. With a little stove and sink and window for the silk geraniums. And on Christmas morning Bossy's daughter was so excited - she was defrosting plastic pork chops in no time at all. Which is when it hit Bossy that she was spoon-feeding her daughter the idea of domesticity. "Duh," Bossy said to her husband. "We should have built her a corner office!"

[steph]

we were married at 22 after being highschool sweethearts and together for 6 yrs. There was nothing left to do!

we have two daughters and I go back and forth with my early marriage advice. it worked/is working for us, but for most of our friends it has not.

[Shelby]

I was almost married when I was 23. Yikes. Everyone in my family approached me at different times and gently said, "Are you sure?" This would fairly be interpreted as, "Are you crazy??" I didn't listen...until the invitations for the wedding were about to be sent out. Thank God. I spent another year beating that dead horse then finally gave up the ghost. Nice guy, just...um...loser-ish. Like in the pothead video games kind of way.

Five years later I met my One, and we were married when I was 30. I'm so blessed that I waited for a time when I was able to be patient in dating and discerning in my choices. He's a wonderful man, a terrific husband, and is going to be an amazing daddy. We are currently pregnant with our first, a baby girl, due in about 5 weeks.

[lisa]

the first time around, i was 23, he was 22. i married the world's biggest loser - he still lived w/his mommy, she still paid his insurance on his car, (an old muscle car - does that tell you anything?!?) and he hadn't held a job for more than 2 months EVER. I think his IQ was tested to equal somewhere around the level of a donut hole. Now I'm sure, you might ask, WHY ON EARTH would a smart girl marry a man like that?!?! Well, I'll tell you, i think I was having a midlife crisis - I was scared of getting old alone. So i met a guy in a bar, and married him 2 months later - wwaaayyy too early for me to learn of his 'bad' side - too much drinking, too much job-quitting, too violent of a temper, and too much of him spending weekends helping his ex-girlfriend build a fence for her kids. And when I say weekends, I do not mean he would come home - he was doing what he called his "Christian Duty" to help others. Funny how she showed up a few years later with a young son, who resembled the now-ex hubby to a disturbing degree.

YIKES. Enough of that story. This is my 2nd marriage, we married when I was 31, and my husband was 33. I had the good sense to marry a man who LIKED to work, and even had a college degree! We had our daughter when I was 32, and we are going on 6 years married.

I am so grateful I never had children with hubby #1 - i shudder to think of where I'd be - probably living in some garage with my mother in law ironing socks. I just saw a divorce notice for him - it's his 4th, and there are children involved this time - so SAD.

My 4 year old daughter - she loves the concept of being married and a mommy - if you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she says a mommy first, then a Dr, a racecar driver, and a pilot. If you ask her how old she will be, she will tell you before she gets married - because she feels you have to be married to have a baby (HA! we started early too!), she has to go to college. So that gives me time, right?

[Gina]

I realized how MUCH I was writing here so I moved it to my blog to answer. http://www.blamemama.com/Blog/?p=17

This is something I am really passionate about, having made some STUPID mistakes.

[Lori]

I was 29 when I got married, and 32 when my son was born. In another life I would have liked to be married/have kids at a younger age because it has been such a joy to share my son with his older relatives, and sadly there are fewer of them as time goes by. However, in reality, I couldn't possibly have married any younger than I did. I was still in graduate school and in some ways very immature, and I just would not have been ready before then.

[anne nahm]

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 21. He moved across the country to be near me when I was 20. We didn't marry until I was 25.

As much as I loved him and knew he was the one, I knew I could not be the person I wanted to be if I went from my dad paying my rent to my husband paying it for me. I am not saying that as a guideline for anyone else, but it was true for me.

Also? I really thought that dating for all that time would mean that marriage would be the same.

And it isn't. At all. But that is good, too.