Percentage of myself polled who think the white pants that made my butt look amazing in the dressing room now make me look like I'm hiding UPS packages in my underwear: 100%
Number of times I texted Chris today to let him know I've started my period early and will not be sharkbait in Mexico after all: 6
Severity of cramps due to said period on scale of 1-10: eleventy bajillion
Number of times I've frantically called my esthetician because omigod, unibrow and she's NOT RETURNING MY CALLS BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY SINCE WE MET TO SHOW ME HOW HER WAX STRIPS RULE MY LIFE AND DO NOT FORGET IT: 3
Number of times I've laid down in my closet in my bikini alongside a mirror to see what I'll look like by the pool in Mexico: 3
Number of times this wasn't weird: 0
Number of times I said "Wow, these shorts are too loose" while packing today: 0
Number of times I said "Damn it all to hell, these give me camel-toe": 3
Number of times this made me cry: 3
Percentage of my body burned by yesterday's visit to a tanning bed: 50%
Percentage of my legs that are still ghostly white: 100%
Ways to tan my legs without burning my upper body to a crisp: 0
Ways this is awesome: Lots
Number of times Savannah has worked "lava" into the conversation so far today: 4
Number of dreams I had last night that involved reality TV stars, specifically Josh Holloway and Simon Cowell: 2
Number of dreams I actually enjoyed: 1 (guess which)
Number of cocktail playdates I was invited to this month: 0
Number of cocktail playdates I would have attended: 31
Number of times I laughed while reading this blog: 47
Number of minutes it took me to put on my swimsuit to try the "lay down by a mirror and check self out" trick: like, 72
(putting on swimsuit too quite a bit longer than I remember it taking last summer,the lying down to check self out to like 20 seconds, the getting up from lying down took quite a bit more time. Needs work before I'll look hot poolside)
So. Jealous.
Have fun, because in case you didn't know I will be living vicariously though you this week. Humpff...
Posted by: Linsey | 01/31/2007 at 07:24 PM
Number of times I actually braved a bathing suit since childbirth: 0
Number of times I have been on vacation since childbirth: 0
Number of times I said...OoOh I'm jealous of her: uhm 10.
Have fun.
Posted by: Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom | 01/31/2007 at 07:45 PM
Awesome. I'm especially fond of the UPS package in the underwear image. I plan to steal that one for the next time I make the mistake of turning slightly sideways in front of a full-length mirror.
Posted by: Moose | 01/31/2007 at 08:09 PM
AHAHAHA...thank you so much for that!
Your eleventy bajillion rated cramps must suck.
But, HEY! Better than being chased by sharks in scuba gear! (They do that, too!) Also, better than eleventy bajillion rated cramps in MEXICO.
Posted by: Amy H | 01/31/2007 at 08:22 PM
What is it with the lava? My son Oliver (will be 5 in april) talks about lava nonstop. It's enough to make me crazy. He's to the point where he actually has dreams about lava (or so he says). Man.
Posted by: Brooke | 01/31/2007 at 09:01 PM
Dude. She made me go to a lecture on volcanoes. Where she was given a piece of ACTUAL LAVA. Which has been carried around like a live baby ever since.
Posted by: Lena | 01/31/2007 at 10:04 PM
Why do the legs NEVER tan like the upperbody? I don't get it! Supremely annoying! If you're willing to travel.. I'll invite you to our 1st Cocktail Playdate! Fantastic Idea!
Posted by: Jody | 02/01/2007 at 02:01 AM
Number of times I've been to Mexico: 0
Jealous. Just a bit.
Posted by: mamatulip | 02/01/2007 at 08:34 AM
Dammit, Lena, I've been waiting patiently for those shoes to arrive from Zappos. If you're going to hide them in your undies, AT LEAST wear darker pants! Sheesh.
Posted by: Mir | 02/01/2007 at 08:41 AM
Oh, man, I'm so jealous!! First of your vacation, and then of the fact that you can even wear white pants at all, even if you stuff UPS packages in them. I would look like a white whale in white pants. I need a vacation - we don't go til July and that is just too, too, too far away. At least we live near the (ghetto, dirty not actual) ocean, so I guess I can pretend it's the Caribbean or something. Even though it's actually Long Island Sound.
Posted by: superblondgirl | 02/01/2007 at 08:43 AM
This was too funny. My son became "obsessed" with volcanoes when he was almost 3. He talked about them ALL THE TIME. And we watched shows about them on the Discovery Learning Science PBS channel all the time (they're all the same to me). He walked around telling everyone he was going to be a volcanologist and then would get this smug look like "Yeah, I just said that big word." We figured it was a phase and he'd find another subject that we'd hear about instead. He's 10 now. We still have to watch all the volcano shows and read all the volcano books. And he's still going to be a volcanologist. Unless he ends up pitching for the Red Sox, then he'll do volcanology in the off-season.
Posted by: Paula | 02/01/2007 at 10:21 AM
runny
Posted by: Chris | 02/01/2007 at 11:37 AM
oops. I meant funny.
Posted by: Chris | 02/01/2007 at 11:37 AM
Because I had my princess lady exam this week and mentioned the hurtful, painful, horrific cramps of late, my lovely doctor perscribed a narcotic pain reliver. The number of cramps I'm going to feel next period? It better be 0.
Posted by: Amy | 02/01/2007 at 01:19 PM
Even with cramps, I'm sure you'll have a blast in Mexico!!!! Now, run off to the store and get some of those wax strips in a box. You can even do that unibrow on the plane if you like! They work in a pinch!
Cheers, Adios . . . Salute!!
Posted by: carrie | 02/01/2007 at 03:02 PM
Number of times each day you should give yourself a huge break and realize no one cares, so just relax: as many as you can handle.
Travel safe and have a blast.
Posted by: Jenny | 02/01/2007 at 03:40 PM
Weird. The only time I ever lie down in the closet is when I'm avoiding my family.
Posted by: Jay | 02/01/2007 at 04:05 PM
I wanted to comment, but then I got distracted by the post underneath which I have to go read now. Ixnay (or whatever) on the Josh Halloway (or whatever). Glad you won't be shark bait.
Posted by: bobealia | 02/01/2007 at 07:35 PM
have a strawberry marg for me!! xx
Posted by: islaygirl | 02/01/2007 at 09:35 PM
Found your blog through a site called bangable blog babes...please don't ask how I ended up there. It's embarrassing enough that I stayed and actually read some of the posts. Anyway, I'm glad I found your blog...excellent writing! I'll be back.
Here's the link if you want to see where I found you
http://www.bangableblogbabes.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Pete | 02/01/2007 at 10:34 PM
Ewwww...Lena he's RIGHT...you simply MUST have your loveliness removed from that icky icky blog site...I'm going to go throw up my muffin...
(on the positive side...you were number 1!!!
Posted by: Michelle S. | 02/02/2007 at 07:26 AM
I'm not even gonna go there...sorry.
Have fun Lena! We'll miss you...if you're not taking us along...lol...i want to hear all about it when you get back. My luck i wouldve had to worry all vacation if i was gonna start or if i shouldn't be drinking! ;) you go girl!
Posted by: jamie | 02/02/2007 at 11:33 AM
wooohooo~! and yuk. yes you were still number one on that dreadful site. despite the packages in your pants and lying down in closets stuff ;)
hilarious stuff babe. great posts below too. i hate going away so much that i missed. oh well probably for the best. you didn't need me sticking my two cents worth in too!
and why does nobody invite me to coctail playdates dammit? you are cordially invited to one here if your ever in the 'bul.
Posted by: keda | 02/02/2007 at 11:43 AM
So glad you won't be sharkbait so you can come back and crunch some more numbers for us!!!
Hysterical!!
Posted by: mammaloves | 02/02/2007 at 11:48 AM
lol Pete is the guy who does the site
great advertising, pete
Posted by: steph | 02/02/2007 at 11:57 PM