Because I'm Not Funny At Alllll...And I'm Not Even Kidding

I'd like to write about something else. Really I would.

I've written and deleted about six posts just this morning because I cannot seem to adequately think about anything else until I get this out of my system. I was hoping it would pass because I'm just so tired of THINKING ABOUT THIS and TALKING ABOUT IT. Maybe if I write about it, my brain will let me move on. To write again about the real estate market and my cats and Doritos.

Something is bearing down on me and I am hurtling towards it.

Time's Up.

Time is not your friend when you're infertile/barren/broke/almost 30. Every year is another year passed without the desired result (HINT: It rhymes with "paby"). 

In case you've forgotten why I can't have a "paby", I've added a highly scientific and incredibly accurate depiction of my predicament.

A few things worth mentioning:

1. My daughter is a blessing and I am eternally grateful for her creation and the healthy outcome.

2. It is no one's responsibility or obligation to fulfill me or make my life complete.

3. I could live the rest of my life without having another child and be okay with that IF THIS WERE ABOUT ME. Which it is not.

At this rate, I will be lucky if Savannah is seven years old by the time we have another child. And I want this desperately for her. All for her. Every day of my life is filled with endless questions about what kids she's going to be able to see, who can she play with, who's home from school. EVERY DAY. ALL DAY. This bears repeating so that you UNDERSTAND: EVERY DAY. ALL DAY.

How often, you ask? EVERY DAY. ALL DAY.

The child needs a playmate. She needs a little person to be her constant companion. I don't care if they fight all day long, at least they'll be BUSY. My heart BREAKS when she cries that she's bored, when she comes streaking down the stairs at the sound of children's laughter outside. When we finish a game together and she's immediately crying for a friend to play with. A friend that isn't me. "A little friend" like her. I want to give her this more than anything in the whole world.

I used to think that an unhappy only child was only a state of mind and that I could occupy her brain and keep her entertained. I thought that only children could experience days full of joy if they had the right parents. I thought that love would make up for what she was lacking in a brother or sister.

I was wrong.

My child needs a sibling. More than any other child I've ever seen. She needs a lifelong friend. She is CRYING for a lifelong friend. And I cannot give it to her. (Take knife. Insert into HEART.)

When Savannah was younger I was constantly being asked if I'd like to have another. ("Oh, no thanks! I'm already drunk enough!" HA!). I knew we would figure it all out when the time came. As I've mentioned before, the "time came" when Savannah was two years old and we starting "figuring it out".

Here, in chronological order, is how it went down:

1. Start looking into Domestic Adoption. Have total mental breakdown in front of the computer upon realization that we cannot compete with the other prospective adoptive parents and their perfect lives (Multiple homes? Check. Two SUV's? Check. Rolling green lawn? Check. Pictures of Aspen ski vacations? Check. Rambling, worshipful, vacant birth mother letter? Check. Bottomless bank account? Check. Desperate eyes? Check, check, check.).

2. Consider chucking it all to the wind, having Chris's Clip N' Snip reversed, getting pregnant the old fashioned way and seeing where the old Wheel O'Tragedy takes us: Will it be Premature Baby with Lifelong Developmental Problems? Premature Baby with Limited Problems? Premature Baby with No Problems (Already have one of those! Matching Set! Awesome!)? Dead Baby? Unhealthy Baby Who Dies Later? Healthy Baby, Disabled Mom? Healthy Baby, Dead Mom? Dead Baby, Dead Mom, Motherless Daughter, Widowed Husband? Oh, the fun we had deciding!

Decide risks are too much for me to get pregnant again. More crying.

3. Research International Adoption. Focus on Russia. Begin preliminary paperwork with Russian Adoption Agency. Read Every Single Book on Russian Adoption. Feel slightly disconcerted with talk of "shakedowns" and "payoffs" and "holding hostage" and "geo-political hostilities". Which, I should add, doesn't seem to be describing her experience, thankfully.

4. Run out of money. Put off adoption process.

5. Research Ethiopia Adoption. Still without money to actually do anything about it. More crying.

6. Receive offer from family member to Surrogate. Disbelief. Because: Offering Your Womb. My God. Something I would never be willing to do myself. Also? Because I know she's reading... I completely understand if she decides it is all a bit much for her.

7. No money for that either right now. Wait. Gnash teeth. Avoid babies. Finally cancel subscription to American Baby. Briefly ponder whether anyone has ever subscribed to a parenting magazine while pregnant and then miscarried. Can she bring herself to cancel the subscription? Does she cry like I do?

         7a. Start drinking heavily and only child blurs into two. Problem solved!

I just don't see any way out of this. I can't foresee having a baby in my arms for a very, very long time. I CAN foresee NEVER having a baby in my arms again. 

I feel like our family has been cut short.

I feel like I've been packed and ready for a trip around the world for the last three years and am still waiting at the airport. And everybody's saying "Why don't you just go home, Lena? There is no trip. It's all in your head. Why don't you just move on?".

And I'm saying "Because I don't believe that. Because the next plane may be mine. And I don't want to miss it.". And I keep waiting. And everyone else boards their flights and leaves.

And I'm still sitting here with my luggage around me. Looking out the windows at the sky. Waiting. And I'm afraid I may die here.

Comments

[Michelle]

Holy hell...I wish I had some words of comfort for you. I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

[mindy]

i really feel for you lena. i debate every day whether or not i should have another child, and i feel selfish for that, because it's a choice. i look at my 2 year old and want so badly for him to have a brother and sister.. but, i'm about to be 35.. and i'm tired.. and i'm broke.. etc. etc. and then i think.. what a whiner i am.. then that spins into a slight depression.

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

Hugs to you.

[Jocalyn]

There is nothing I could say right now besides ( heres a millions dollars (which I wish at this moment I had to give you)) But what I do have I give. I am gonna keep you in my prayers. I know that God gave you this desire to have another child and I know that God provides for the desires that he gives us....so I am gonna pray that he provides something...wether it be money or what ever...that he provides a miracle to you...I know that the baby to come some day is gonna have an awesome mom cause you already are one!! Keep your chin up and dont lose hope Lena. God comes thru in times when we least expect it and in ways we never thought possible....with God ALL things are possible!!!!

[Mir]

I'm so sorry, Lena. My infertility experience/journey was different than yours, so I won't attempt any comparisons. I prescribe plenty of chocolate. And prayer. And a teeny tiny thimbleful of hope, because more than that will hurt too much, and less than that leaves you with nothing to oppose the fear. *hug*

[emily]

lena - i'm so sorry. i have no words to comfort you, no experiences to share. i wish i were there to hug you.
emily

[kelli in the mirror]

I'm so sorry. It truly sucks. As for #7, I hadn't subscribed yet, but I'd bought one maternity thing and gotten on their "list", so I got Similac and coupons in the mail the week before I would have had my baby. I cried all day.

[Jay]

Your fabulous drawing made me laugh out loud.

There are so many kids out there who need a loving and caring family like yours. I hope you don't give up on the adoption thing.

[colleen]

You should never think of yourself as a failure! I love reading your blog (have it bookmarked) and I know you're a stong person (and being hard on yourself). Sending you a hug on line and I know whatever you decide or whatever happens it will be the right thing for you and your family.

[jes]

Lena, I'm so sorry and so sad about your broken heart. Know that we're thinking of you, we're all cheering for you. And I'm praying for you, your organs, your family, and the heavy decisions you're facing.

[Marcia]

Oh honey. Big hug. I feel like making you something.

I know I can't understand what you're going through, and I hope that I never experience it myself - so all I can say is that I'm thinking of you.

(And. If you want me to send you something crafty, I totally will...)

[Miwa]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I only hope that the right answer comes for you soon.

[Amanda]

Oh Lena ~ I wish I could just give you a huge hug. I can feel the sadness in your post.

My DD will turn 5 next year, and everyone asks when we'll have another. They have no idea we've tried for 2 years already. Sigh.

Somehow, it will work out. I don't know how, but I know the desire to be a mother isn't something you just wake up with one day. Desiring to have more than one child doesn't happen overnight either. That feeling is there for a reason, and I hope & pray the results of that feeling will appear brightly before you - very, very soon.

[Amy H]

#7 - I had subscribed to about everything (I lost my girl at 9 months), including Babycenter. They sent out weekly updates on 'What your baby is doing this week." I got one the day after she died and changed my 'preferences' to reflect the 'change.' Then, this February, they renewed my $30 subscription and even after a few nice emails, refused to refund my money until I wrote them an ALL CAPS letter telling how fricking sick they were. I still get diapers, baby catalogs, coupons, etc in the mail weekly. Last month, I got a bunch of emails congratulating my baby on her first birthday.

I honestly never knew until it happened to me how risky childbirth is - even though my own mom went through a very risky one (she almost died). The whole experience seemed so 'run of the mill' but I realized that every single pregnancy is so unique, with its own complications and blessings.

I'm scared to death to ever try again. I'm 24 and I want my tubes tied. I don't think I could handle the stress of not knowing how it would turn out. Great way to look at life, huh? I always thought I'd be a mom, you know? I have two step-kids whom I love dearly - like my own - but they will never be my own. When your dreams and your fears clash, it's really hard to decide which side to take.

I think the adoption system is just horrible. You see all these people who want to adopt, and all these kids who need homes so badly but there's so much red tape. I understand that you can't just hand kids out to anyone, but I don't think they should hold money as the big determining factor. In Minneapolis, they have special foster care to adoption programs that help "regular families" adopt because we have so many 'older' kids in the county system.

Aside from my meandering comments, there's not a whole lot that I, or anyone, can do to help you and I know it just breaks everyone's hearts to know that you're going through this. So I'm just going to pray for you, too. Maybe if we all keep praying, He will help you see your 'solution.'

[becky]

*hugs you*

i wish i knew what to say. i hurt for you, chica. i hope you find a solution that works for you & your family. love ya.

[Jennifer]

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something comforting to say, but there are no comforting words. I'm so sorry.

[ali]

hugs.

[anne nahm]

Hugs

[Missy]

Lena,
I'm delurking because I can so identify with how you feel. I too have one child. I was able to become pregnant again, however, complications led to early delivery of a baby who's lungs were not sufficiently developed to ever survive on her own. I am one of those mothers who had to discontinue my subscriptions to baby magazines and emails & go home with her 1st outfit packed in a box instead of on her. Yes, I cried. To this day (almost 3 yrs later) I still cry.
I want to tell you one thing. DON'T GIVE UP. For most adoptions, you pay based on what your salary is and then it is also capped. That's if you go private. If you go through CPS, the only cost to you is court fees when the adoption becomes legal. Here in TX, it's approx $1500. I can go on and on, but I'll save the rest. My husband & I are trying to adopt through CPS. If you want to hear more of our story, just send me an email and I'll go into more detail. Hey, if some single mom that only makes 30K a year or less can adopt, so can you. Take care and chin up.

[Kerry]

delurking

Savannah's 4 years old? Then probably she'll be in kindergarten, and if she's the social butterfly she sounds like I'm sure she'll make lots of friends.

My best friend since 6th grade (we're 22 now) is also an only child because of her mom's medical problems...and yes it has affected her, but she's still a wonderful, healthy person and has become the closest thing I have to a sister. Not that that helps you at all, but maybe it's a little reassuring...maybe.

[Kerry]

In kindergarten soon...sorry about that.

[Lena]

Savannah just turned five. She'll be in kindergarten next August. But, it is really the long term sibling relationship that I want for her more than anything.

[Shelby]

Hi Lena - My heart goes out to you. For myself in times like these, I can usually say that things happen the way they do for reason, and always for the best. It has always - ALWAYS - been true for me. Even in the worst of times. But there are times, like you are having now, that it's just impossible to hold onto that thought. The bad feelings seem so overwhelming, and the only thing to do is to get them out, and scream and cry about it, and move through it. I feel privileged to be a part of your extended community that gets to take on some of the burden for you when things seem too hard. I love Mir's advice, and I will hold you in my heart this weekend and hope that you find a way to move through this pain you are feeling to the other side. Big hugs.

[Vycki]

Love and hugs to you.

I think if I ever become wealthy, like Oprah money wealthy, I will set up a fund that helps loving but broke families pay for adoptions. There are so many children out there that need homes and often the only thing stopping families from welcoming them is the inability to pay for the adoption process. Seems awfully counter productive. We decided to adopt before we got pregnant just because we feel like there is a child out there for us. We haven't started the process yet because our son is only nine months and we moved while I was pregnant, but we are hoping to start early next year. Of course that will all depend on our ability to afford the process. For now my son has his three year old cousin for a permenant playmate. Perhaps if you are able to sell your house after all you will be able to move closer to Savanah's cousins.

[Christy]

Lena- My heart breaks for you. Not only because I have known the fear and loss of many miscarriages, but I also know what dammage it does to your spirit. My advice to you is to take EXTRA special care of yourself. I know you went through extreme post partum depression and that tendency to internalize and blame yourself (like most women do) is there. Whatever avenue you decide to take to pursue another child- be gentle with yourself.

Make sure you are talking/blogging/seeing a therapist, just remembering that you are one of the most important factors in all of this......Mother. (An amazing Mother!) Keep yourself healthy, buy yourself chocolate:), go get pedicures. Don't stop loving yourself and remember how much that little girl you tuck in a night loves you. Everything else will come with time. Whether it's a new child or peace with your existing family. Either way- they will always need you.