Tuesday Confessional - Behind the Scenes

Today's confession runs deep. I first starting thinking about this topic in an abstract way and then as I personalized it, I realized it is so much more for me. The pictures linked in this post actually hurt me.

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I have a makeup problem.

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As in, I do not leave the house without it on my face. Ever.

I remember when I was 12, my best friend's mom told us, "Don't start wearing foundation because you'll never be able to go without it." How right she was. I feel naked without my foundation. I feel like everyone can see how pale I am, the stray hairs, the bad skin, the wrinkles. I feel like makeup has always hidden my flaws for me. Presented me to the world in a way that I know is superior to the genuine product.

But, it has always been something more than superficial to me. Now, when I apply my makeup in the morning I cover more than just external flaws. I know it's covering something deeper.

When my father was dying I stayed in my childhood home with he and my stepmother for two weeks. She and I had only met once before, so it would be an understatement to describe the situation as awkward, lonely, and odd. And, as far as she was concerned, competitive.

My father was in and out of consciousness all the time. My stepmother took her time doing her makeup every morning, carefully applying her lipliner and mascara and blush. One morning she stuck her face close to his as he opened his eyes. "Good morning" she greeted him. "You look pretty" he immediately said in response and smiled.

As anyone who has lost a parent knows, you hope that during this final time with them they will magically fill up all those holes they left in you growing up. That this is what they needed all along - the realization of the finality of death - to feel compelled to say to you all that they've been meaning to say, but held back. This was one of those moments for me.

Growing up, I cannot recall my father EVER saying I looked pretty when it was not apparent to him that he was expected to. Only if I was dressed up - lipstick on my lips, a corsage on my wrist - when I had obviously put forth a tremendous amount of effort in my appearance, would he offer the requisite "You look pretty". It was never "You ARE pretty." As a matter of fact, the one time I recall my father taking an interest in my appearance was when he came home to find me eating fries from Jack In the Box and said "You know that's what's giving you all those pimples, don't you?".

Contrast that with the fact that he found my aerobic instructor mother gorgeous - the exact opposite of myself with blonde hair, blue eyes, and an amazing figure - and you have the perfect internal storm.

I struggled with my image. I found myself hideous for much of my childhood. But, really. Can you blame me? I had an awkward DECADE.

But, I wonder how much of this was part of the vicious cycle my father perpetuated. The cycle of feeling unloveable, comforting myself with food, and then feeling even less loveable. Even when I inexplicably grew into this, I have never stopped feeling like the fat ugly girl. Never. I always feel like I am just ten pounds and a bad makeup job away from going back.

When I found out he only had a few months to live, I dyed my hair dark. Very dark. I let my eyebrows grow in a little more. I did this for my father thinking he would like me to look as naturally Italian as possible. At the time I couldn't figure out why this was important to me. I realize now, I was hoping he would see our connection.

So, here I was back in the same living room with the same insecurities and the same needs. I went over and I put my face close to his as my stepmother just had and I smoothed back his hair and said "Good morning, Dad." And he opened his eyes just as he had with my stepmother and looked at me. Then he closed them. "Good morning dad" I repeated myself. "I heard you" he grumbled.

I remember telling myself that it was because I wasn't wearing lipstick. I swear to God.

Over the course of the next few days we had some tender moments - words were exchanged that healed old wounds. But, this one lay open still. With a knot in my stomach I came right out and directly asked him "Dad? Do you think I'm pretty?".

"What?!" He was visibly agitated, "Of course I do." I felt ashamed for asking. It was obvious he felt put out having to answer such a simple egotistical question at a time like this. But, the fact of the matter is that it wasn't simple. My father never making me feel beautiful - making me feel ugly in fact - was at the core of some of the worst decisions I had ever made.   

I can look in the mirror or see pictures of my face now as an adult and I think that it's pleasant enough. I can intellectually see what other people perceive as attractive. But, I know I'm fooling them. I know what lies under the deceptive mask of makeup.

I only ever see what my father saw. Himself. I see the prominent Italian nose. The chubby cheeks. The dark droopy eyes. The thick eyebrows. The crooked mouth.

And I cover it. Every morning I do my best to transform what I know I have into what people think I do. And as I apply my mask, I cover my shame. It is more than makeup for me. It is my shield.

So, in a cathartic way I suppose, I post a picture my daughter took of me yesterday morning without my knowledge. Or my makeup. This is the only one in existence. And now it belongs to the Internet.

Comments

[Jocalyn]

I am speechless right now. I have been going thru some thing in regaurds to my looks and everything you just said is what I have been struggling with. Thank you for being open and honest. I think I have a lot to think about now to see why I view myself the way I do. I think you are absoultely BEAUTIFUL!! It goes to show that everyone no matter how beautiful you are struggles with the way they look. I think you look great with or without the makeup too!!

[Anais]

And you are as beautiful on the outside as you are within.

[keda]

exactly what anais said.

i strangely had almost the exact opposite experience leading to a similar end one.. which involved covering myself to become ugly.. and making myself feel and become so. until a few years ago when i i broke my vicious cycle.

you are beautiful lena, outside and within. enjoy without the need for anyones opinion. as thats all it ever is anyway. opinion. damn it, don't you remember when almost everyone thought tom cruise was attractive?? eeeeuuugh. skirjibblies. sorry :)

[Frema]

It's so amazing to see how other people perceive themselves. Since I started reading you a few months ago, I've been envious of your slim figure and gorgeous head of hair--light or dark. I couldn't understand why you'd talk about wanting to lose weight.

Thank you for sharing this.

[Heather]

Wow. I'm not sure what to say. I think you are an absolutely lovely person both inside and out (even without makeup). But it feels so pointless to say that because I understand that no amount of reassurance from others ever changes what I feel about myself. Only I can do that.

Thank you for being so honest. I hope you find some peace about your looks soon

[Amy H]

I only have a minute before I have to leave work - but like EVERYONE says.. you are beautiful. Some of us are sitting here wishing we looked like you.

I know exactly what you're talking about, but mine came from somewhere else. I was always the "Pretty Princess" of the family, but only on the outside. I was constantly taught that looks will get you through and they did. I was a smokin' hot homeless teen - had I not been, I know I wouldn't have gotten all the free rides I did. I also had a makeup addiction and wouldn't even go to the gas station without at least a little bit on. People would tell me it was in my head, but I know it wasn't - people treated me better when I looked better.
Then I got pregnant and makeup was tiring. My husband loved me for me, I felt like I could let go of that obsession. I lost my daughter at 9 months and went into Ugly phase. I hardly showered, let alone put on makeup (I generally cried it off if I wore it anyway). It took a long time to get out of that phase. One day I came to work with my makeup on. EVERYONE talked to me - like I was suddenly a different person. I was pretty again. My makeup addiction is back. Can you blame me?

[Arwen]

What a beautifully honest post. Thank you for sharing with us.

I promise I am being completely honest too when I say: I think you look lovely without makeup.

(And we have the same laptop! Cool!)

[Suebob]

Somehow I think it is kind of perfect that I CAN'T see photos at work, so I can't judge you on your appearance.

I don't have the same issues with makeup (I have kind of the opposite issue, since I would die a little if I thought people knew I was TRYING to make myself pretty - not being thought vain is huge with me) but I can relate to the dad issues.

As great as my dad was, he didn't give me the positive male attention I needed. I was always seeking his approval, and when it was obvious I wasn't going to get it, I went looking for it from any man who would give it to me, with predictably disastrous results.

That's why I so love that song about "Fathers be good to your daughters..."

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

[Melissa]

Lena, I think you look great with and without the makeup. But I know my opinion doens't matter, only yours does. But I really applaud you for doing this.

[Chris]

You are beautiful my love, make up or not.

[Theresa]

I wish I could be that honest, that was an amazing post.

God doesn't make junk....and your picture is positive proof of that.

[mothergoosemouse]

My father, the engineer would respond to my inquiries as to whether or not I was pretty by saying: "Well, that depends. To whom are we comparing you?"

He wasn't entirely serious, but the fact that I asked the question is telling in itself.

Do what makes you happy. If wearing makeup makes you feel good, then I don't see the harm. Just don't tease me for my bare face, okay?

[Rachel]

Wow, it took me forever to put a picture of myself on the internet. You're goregous dahling, even without the makeup. I used to put makeup on every day and now I rarely take the time to put so much as mascara on. I don't know why. I feel like leaving the house looking fugly is like sticking my tongue out at the world. Haha!

[Mrs. Chicky]

Oh sweetie, I can relate to this post on so many levels. I have the same issues with my dad that have never been resolved (and honestly probably never will be) and I hardly ever leave the house without foundation, at the very least.

Honestly you look gorgeous in that last picture. I know it's cold comfort to hear that from a stranger, but you do.

[Barbara]

The day I found out I was having a girl I cried. My husband couldn't understand and I told him, "She could be the most beautiful woman on earth and she'll never be good enough for herself."

[Jess R]

Lena, this was one of the best posts I've ever read. You're beautiful!!! And like Mrs. Chicky, I can also relate to this so much. I have issues w/ my dad that could fill a swimming pool.

Seriously though: you're awesome.

[Lena]

Suebob - I love that song. Also, Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You". Listen to those words about her father and you'll be a mess.

[Lindsay]

This post really hits home. Thank you.

[Vycki]

I really like the picture that your daughter took. I think you look so innocent and no one would ever guess that you are approaching your thirties by that picture. Seriously you look like a teenager in that picture. You definately should still be getting carded.

Its funny how people can suffer from the same insecurities but it manifests itself so differently. I have always felt too unattractive to bother with make up, like people will wonder what that ugly girl is doing trying to look pretty. It doesn't matter that other people tell me I'm pretty. It was the same reason I didn't have sex in high school. Other girls had low self-esteam so they had sex so that the boys would like them. I had low self-esteam so I abstained from sex figuring that anyone that wanted to have sex with me just wanted sex and I had little or nothing to do with it. Worked in my favor though, I ended up marrying my one and only (five years later).

[Smom]

Of course I have to say that you are (makeup or not) one of the most beautiful and striking women. Thankfully, however, what your "shield" will never hide is your inner beauty, the Lena we all see and are envious of...

[bobealia]

I'm feeling very emotional, so I almost cried for you. It just sucks because it's really about you, you know, and where do you go with that? How do you learn/believe/feel/know what everyone else knows: that you are beautiful.
???
I feel like this about my own worth sometimes.

[marlen]

I think you are so beautiful -inside and out. I love your writing and even without make-up you are gorgeous. And I love your striped pants, too.

[Safeena]

I want my DH to read this post so he will understand why I'm always on his case to tell the girls they are beautiful inside and out. So much of a woman's sense of herself comes from how her father mirrored her.

Growing up, Dad daily told me I was smart, exceptional, creative, funny and had great hair. Yeah, OK to all that. But never heard that I was cute, pretty, or heavens forbid, beautiful. And I have never felt even pretty, once in my life.

Thank you for your courage. THAT is really really beautiful.

[Priscilla]

You look beautiful in your makeup-less picture! Seriously! Your post was great. I know what you mean about the make-up mask. I gave up most of my foundations, powders, shadows and liners when I moved to the n'east. Going from bighair fullmakeup Texas to Massachusetts was quite a switch. I've reached the point that I actually prefer the little-to-no makeup look for me, but it took some time. Good luck on embracing your inner (and outer!) goddess!! You really do look awesome in the picture.

PS: Don't knock the old pictures of yourself...those black boots would be FAB now! :)

[Lena]

Marlen - Old Navy clearance. The coziest pants ever. And everybody HATES them! So, thanks.