Of One Thing I'm Sure

First of all, to all you commenty people, I do give you all a great big totally large hug. Just when I thought the comments couldn’t make me any more emotional, the next one would do me in. You are all awesome as women and as supporters. And if I had more than 500 SF of living room, I would have all of you over for a pajama party and smores.

So.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted a girl. I knew I needed a girl.

I had too many unresolved issues with the opposite sex and I just didn’t want to inflict those on some poor unsuspecting son. I could see myself storming into his room one day crying “I just want to know why you people never call when you say you will? Do you know??!”.

No one deserves that. I figured a daughter would be a little extension of me and would be < air quotes > EASIER< /air quotes > with less < air quotes > ISSUES < /air quotes>.

Yeah. No.

Since my last post, I have given a lot of thought to my daughter and the legacy I am leaving for her. How often am I sending her the message that my weight, my clothes, my body, my hair, my skin is vital to my happiness? Um, every single day.

Do you know when my daughter first said she was fat?

Three years old.

I was appalled, as you likely are right now, and immediately curbed my use of the word. But, how tragic is it to read every parenting book I can get my hands on, stay home with my child through postpartum depression, grind my own organic baby food, send her to the best preschool, immunize her against disease, and then plague her with a poor self image?

How powerful it would be for me to break the cycle of poor body image in my family and fortify her on the inside, knowing the outside will follow.

It's the doing that's the difficult part.

I’ve heard that most of us have two chances at a healthy parent/child relationship. Once as the child and again as the parent. I am determined to be a role model for my little girl. To send her positive messages that I love myself. I'm determined to learn how. As Janet said in her comment “Tell your daughter how beautiful you think YOU are and why you think that way and she will learn to feel the same about herself...Start with your daughter by being good to yourself.".

That comment moved me beyond words that I can express here. For the first time I realized I have never said to my daughter that I feel pretty. Not once. As a matter of fact, I've avoided saying so. I have no idea why. Do you?

That child is the center of my universe, the most precious blessing of my life. I want NOTHING more than for her to grow up so comfortable in her own skin that she can move freely through life unfettered by any opinion that doesn’t originate in her own brain. I want her to have the ability to distinguish between what beliefs resonate with her and which ones are worthy of being dismissed. I want her to have the utmost confidence in her own abilities from the inside out.

I want her to not just feel beautiful, but to know that she is worthy of saying it out loud.

I want her to know that she is good. I want her to know that the truth she hears inside herself is the only one that matters. Most of all, I want her to know, absolutely know, that there is no person on earth that has more faith in her than I do.

One day we will both be women. One day I will pass the baton to her and she will run with it. And it is my job that she runs with her head held high, her eyes focused on her goals, and her heart full of confidence. Only then will my job be done well.

I know that it is going to take effort to replace the words of my father in my head. As Tessa said in comments, "You, sweet soul, need to realize and then remind yourself that you must define yourself. You are who YOU are, not who your father believes you to be." I’m beginning to realize that maybe I should stop thinking that I am a lost cause because I can't easily turn his voice off. Perhaps reversing the damage he has done requires daily ongoing effort. And for her sake, I must not give in to it.

I thought I wanted a girl because I didn't think I could raise a boy. Now I realize I needed a girl to teach me how to be one. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

*If you're interested in seeing what moves people today, check out the Love Thursday Flickr photos.

Comments

[Tessa]

THAT'S the spirit hon! The trick is reminding yourself of it on your worst "I suck" days. That is when its hardest. That is when it hurts the most. Those are the days you can turn to your cyberpals and say, "I need a lift" or "I need to be smacked." You'll have plenty of takers either way! :)

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

Now, I'm crying. I've found in my daughter the same thing you've found in yours. She teaches me how to live. I will always cherish the lessons she has taught me in these three short years. I know there will be more. She is a much better person than I could ever try to be.

I hope you can take this strength you have gathered, carry it inside of you and whip it out when you need it most. Your daughter will grow from that. Big hugs and smooches to you and your daughter. I feel stronger just from reading your post today! Thank you!

[Angela]

Thank you. I can't say it enough. I feel like you've wrote my thoughts. Now I know what to do.

[y]

Am I going crazy, or did my comment disappear?

[Amy H]

Lena, with all these realizations you share with us - you make me appreciate my life more.

You really make me think about the circumstances in my life, daughter issues, father issues, etc.

I hope it feels good to know that your words do inspire.

Thank you.

[Tonya]

Thank you for the reminder that our daughters WILL follow our examples and it is up to us to decide what that example will be.

[Tyra]

I love that picture of your feet together! She has your feet!

[Jennifer]

My mother always taught me to love myself first. She said that if you don't love yourself first it will always be hard to find someone to love you as you. Keep up the good work with your daughter. She will thank you one day by bringing her daughter up with the same love and confidence that you are giving her.

[Peyton]

That was a great post! I have a few neuroses, too (my father actually called me "bubble butt" when I was a size 2). And I've sworn never to pass them down to my daughter. Of course, as a woman, I can't help but feel the occasional twinge of jealousy at my daughter's gorgeous (darker than mine) part-Italian skin, her beautiful blonde curly hair (mine is brown and straight) and her deep green eyes (mine are brown) - she looks NOTHING like me and exactly like her father, and she's beautiful.

[Darth Softball Slut Putas]

"I thought I wanted a girl because I didn't think I could raise a boy. Now I realize I needed a girl to teach me how to be one. And for that, I will be eternally grateful."

I think that is one of the most true statements I have ever read or heard. You are learning my friend.

[Y]

http://www.joyunexpected.com/archives/002059.php

Like I said in the comment that I thought I had left last night, but, obviously didn't, I can relate to this on so many ways.

Different ways, but still, I can relate.

You see, I never wanted a girl, because I was afraid that I couldn't be a good mother to a girl.

But my daughter has taught me that I was wrong. She is my little teacher.

We are lucky to have those girls, tutus and all. ;-) So very lucky.

[mamatulip]

Janet is right, and I'm so glad she said that. Because she's right.

Beautiful post, Lena. You're a good woman and a good mother. :)

[Virenda]

I felt the same way when I was pregnant. I figured a girl would be "easier" and now 3 girls later I realize that they have challenged me more then I ever expected.

The first time I heard my daughter utter the word...FAT, I almost broke down and sobbed. I want her to not only love herself, but love everyone. To revel in our differences, to embrace the sounds of peoples laughter....To just love her surrondings, and be comfortable with her thoughts.

I loved the comments left, and I never really thought about telling my daughters I'm pretty, and that it's okay to think your pretty. Let's be honest as women we were told to be "good" you had to be humble, but we all took that as NEVER uttering the words, "were pretty", or thinking good thoughts. At least in my time, with my family, we used sel-deprecation.

"self-deprecating, in the sense 'disparaging oneself', 'modestly understating one's own abilities'"----

The best thing about having you as my friend Lena is you constantly help to remind me of things that I can work on. It's so easy to fall into a habit, and forget that time flies by, and things ALWAYS change. So...Thank you.

[Suebob]

These past 2 posts have been amazing and emotional for me. I imagine that you are touching more lives than you even know about.

I am proud of you!

[Jenn]

What a great post. So many of the things I think, everyday. Not only have I never said in front of my daughter that I am pretty, I have blown off some of the times she told me that she thinks I am. I read both of your osts and wept. I will start TODAY to change the legacy I am leaving for both my girls! Thank you for sharing.

[Melanie]

Okay, that was just a freaking beautiful post. And that's all I can say about that because I'll start to cry and I'm at work.

[Mrs. Chicky]

That's it. How long will it take me to drive to where you are so we can hug and cry and eat ice cream and figure out how to raise our daughters to be strong, empowered women who know they are beautiful without having to hear it from others? What ever the distance it would be worth it because this post cut to the core of me.

[Ryne's Mom]

Having a daughter gets better and better! Mine is 13 now, and I am amazed at how much she has taught me and is still teaching me. I realized when she was a toddler how truly wise she was. We grow together every day; it's a beautiful thing. Enjoy growing up with Savannah each and every day, she is a true blessing!

[keda]

lovely post again sweetie.

i struggle with the girl child thing.. for similar reasons and some different.

having been abused as a child i have often felt terrified that something could someday happen to my girls, and that they will be blamed for that as i was for being 'pretty'. i ended up hating myself for being 'pretty' and felt that i was never appreciated as a person. so i hated myself and tried to make myself ugly which is how i always saw myself anyway. so weird how we are conditioned by looks. now i am very happy with myself (i avoid mirrors still though :))

my children being twins are constantly being compared by stupid people. who even say things in front of them like..'oh she's the pretty one'.
disgusting.

i already have seen my children ask "will people like me in this hat/dress/whatever?" sometimes they want to hear that people will. othertimes recently due to too many people touching them on the street or such if i have said "that hat looks lovely' or 'yes they will love your hat' they have taken them off and refused to wear them in order to avoid the extra attention they might garner.

so as i now realise that clothes and the way they look are important to them whatever i say or do i just always reinforce that they are wonderful and beautiful no matter how they look. but the clothes are about how they make the wearer feel themselves. we tell each other we are beautiful all the time. and i use it as a word to praise them when they say something nice. or do something nice for someone else. rather than just as a way of describing how they 'look'.

all we can do for our children in this is to support them in what they need at the time. and to let them know that we are happy with ourselves, and happy with them whatever they do. that we love them and are proud of them in many ways.

they will all reach puberty and look hideous at just the time they need to look most beautiful. it is sad but inevitable. but if i am there understanding, remembering and praising and doing whatever i can to help they will get through.

we will do a better job than our parents. because we think about these things. and talk to our children.

you are doing a great job. and your daughter already takes beautiful pictures of you which you are confident enough to post on the internet. she knows confidence and has a great role model. you will do fine. you already are.
be proud.

[Paula]

You've really given me a lot to think about. I do worry about the messages I send my daughter, even though she's only 2 now. I struggled with image issues all my life and I hope to help her avoid all of that. I don't always have time to comment, but I do read your blog every day and I want to tell you how much I admire you. You were actually one of the inspirations for me to finally get off my a** and start my own blog http://lifeshouldhaveasoundtrack.blogspot.com/. I hope that I can be as brave as you are about putting myself out there. Thanks!

[Jess R]

Wow Lena, this post was amazing. I only hope that I'm as insightful and wise as you are when I'm a mother someday. You are indeed a wonderful role model. :)

[mothergoosemouse]

I want to tell you something that I can't say on my own blog because I don't want to hurt my family (or let my in-laws know how much my own family once hurt me).

I was four when I first decided to go on a diet.

My parents encouraged it.

There you go.

[Lena]

MGM - That is so tragically sad. What a message to receive at such an impressionable age. Thank you for sharing here.

[skeet]

Well, you made me cry, too! A wonderful message that needs to ring throughout the lands, and the comments have been so insightful, too. I still avoid mirrors in my fifties, even though I realized years ago that the message from my mother was more about her own insecurities than my looks. Big Sis was the "pretty" one. I needed bangs because my face was long and horsey. There's that nose from Dad's family! And wasn't I just the spitting image of my mother! I can look back on the comments with a better perspective now, but their scars run deep. You do an invaluable service to remind parents that loving yourself is a GOOD thing and should be communicated every day to our children!

This post was a wonderful choice to include in the Carnival of Family Life. Thanks so much for sharing!

[Kerri]

Great post. Good reminder for me as I raise my daughter. Thanks.

Here via CoFL