Tuesday Confessional - You'll Either Love Me or Hate Me After This Post

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I blame the hippies.

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For twenty years my mother was a loyal, responsible, and warm wife and parent. She was also stressed, neglected, and abused. Her words always told me to be a strong and independent woman with my own views and goals. And her actions warned me of what the alternative would be. I promised myself then that I would never let a man take over my life and squash my spirit the way my father tried to with her. (And ultimately failed, by the way, as she has since made herself a new life which is deservedly wonderful.)

It has taken me six years of marriage to understand the connection between what I perceived as a mother’s role in the family and why I view being a stay at home mom as weak and unfulfilling.

I married the perfect man for me with which to live out my personal view on life. Chris has been nothing but supportive of whatever direction I’ve taken: having a career, getting pregnant, starting my own business, moving away, going to school, having a writing career. He has always filled in the holes I left in my wake.

And yet, I haven’t been happy.

I’ve complained…often…about the downside of being home all day. This self-fulfilling prophecy has led me to battle with depression and a lack of self worth. It’s caused me to trivialize my role in my family and to resist any chore that I viewed as part of the traditional role of the wife and mother. The more I have pushed back against the needs of my family, the more I have resented my role.

It has been one long vicious cycle for all of us.

I realize now that this was only my way of protecting myself from the truth: I've been afraid giving in to being a wife and mother would weaken me as a woman. I've been afraid of letting down the radical feminist lurking inside me.

I finally made a break this weekend. I stepped away from the computer, away from the outside world and the validation it provides me every day, and I turned to my home. I woke Savannah up with promises of a fun day. I tickled her and played with her and teased her as we got ready for the day.

I put music on and lit candles. I threw open my windows and let the sounds of nature fill the house. I scrubbed the floors, washed the dishes, made beds, did the laundry.

We played with friends at the bookstore. Savannah helped me pick out produce for dinner. And? I baked a cake. From scratch. I even whipped up a bowl of frosting with real cream and left it on the counter. I really thought this final act would send me running for some Friedan, but I held strong.

The smells of dinner and a clean house filled the air, the soft warm whir of the dryer in the background. My daughter’s satisfied chirps were music to my ears as she contentedly played, having had a day full of joy.

There was no internal stress to fulfill writing obligations, no emails weighing on my mind, no pressures to scour news feeds. I wasn’t distracted by all the phone calls I should be making and contact lists I have yet to tackle.

I sat down last night and thought about how perfect the day was. I thought about how my actions allowed my husband to focus solely on his work without having to stop to deal with Savannah’s requests all day or do the dishes or step over loads of laundry. How content and joyful and loved I made my daughter feel. How supported my husband was.

I got very quiet with myself and really listened to how I felt about all of that.

I didn’t feel resentful.

I didn’t feel used.

I didn’t feel unfulfilled.

I felt like I was the heart of my home.

I realize now that having it all doesn’t mean having it all at the same time. I can have it all: the career, the degrees, the passion, and the supported home and family. But, I need to take it in phases. I need to have priorities. Otherwise, someone will pay for it. My husband will. My child will. They will pay for me putting my needs ahead of theirs. And what can I possibly need more than to take care of them?

How can I be empowered as a woman when I’m failing my family?

I only have one more year with my precious daughter. And then my days will be mine again. I can work full time. I can throw myself into whatever my passion is then. But, right now my passion is my family and making a home for them. And I am finally proud of that.

So, tell me. What are your plans when your kids are all in school? Do you feel like you’re sacrificing now with an eye on the future or will you be content to stay a homemaker?

Comments

[jes]

I think I have to concentrate on getting pregnant before I can even answer that question.

Until then, I'm just a "career" woman. Without so much as career. It's more like a job. That anyone else in the world could do. And yet, here I am. Doing it. GAH.

This post really hit home for me. Thank you.

[Amy H]

I work full time (plus 2 hours of commuting every day). (Yes, I read your blog while I'm "working.")
My 5 yr old started Kindergarten (All day-E/O Day) this year. Our daycare lady had a baby so I went to part-time for a couple weeks. I absolutely loved it. I was still working and making money, but I was there every day to drop them at school and meet them at the bus. I helped my 9 year old with his homework. My house was spotless, dinner was cooking when my husband came home. I felt like Super-Mom getting all that done. On her 'off' days, my k-er and I went to the park and played and talked. Those couple of weeks really spoiled me, now I'm back to full-time and I miss being home. Every day I think about all I'm missing with the kids.
Lena, I WISH I could have a year to stay at home with the kids. Get every moment you can out of it.

[moonstruck mama]

I constantly feel the tug of this way and that...feeling unfulfilled being at home, and planning for a return to work...at some point that is convenient, although when that is I don't know, and then I get it together and have a day like you just described: getting the house together, actually playing with the kids, catching up on the laundry, cooking a real meal: and on those days it is really satisfying! I think you're right--having different days for different roles sometimes. Thanks for the post.

[Janet]

Great piece.
There's no one out there saying you can't have it all and have it all on your own terms. Good for you for taking a new path...even if it's for the day. I hope you discovered what makes you "happy"! You rock!

[Missie]

Great post.

[Rosetta]

It's important that we, as feminists, work hard to get the type of social programs and support in place in our communities to allow all women to honestly make the choice to be at home, with their children, if that's the best place for them and their families. Pro-woman should always equal pro-family and pro-child - women are much more likely to be caregivers to children or parents than men ever are.

[Sasha]

We may spend our whole lives trying to find the right balance. Excellent post Lena.

[Shannon]

Wow Lena, you had me tearing up. You put in to words so gracefully exactly how I have felt the majority of the last 2 years. I am learning to let go of my mother's views that I am "wasting" my education and my life by staying at home. I find that the more I see this as my job right now, the more I realize what a damn good employee I can be. . . and derive a great sense of satisfaction from being at peace with that.

[Vycki]

Great post.

I'm just getting started with this whole being home thing. I'm still trying to get caught up on laundry and dishes and figure out that whole cooking thing but I'm absolutely thrilled to be home with my baby. But I never really wanted a career and I never really beleived in the whole having it all thing. I believe that I have the right to choose whether or not to have a career or children or whatever, but I always aknowledged that having something here is going to mean sacrificing something there. For me I always knew that if I COULD stay home I would. The rest of the job I'm still working on but at least I'm getting on the job training.

[Angelina]

I think this post covers a very important topic, how women, no matter what jobs they are doing, can feel fulfilled if their attitude is in the right place.

I became a housewife before I became a stay at home mom. Now my kid is in first grade and I have a full time business. Now that I'm working (even though it's for me and my husband), I miss having the time to care for my home and do the million things I enjoy doing in it.

Anyway, this is a great topic.

[Michelle]

I'm torn between being excited about the prospect of being a SAHM and being terrified of it. It feels like a betrayal of everything I've believed in all of my life (strong women and all that). I'm really afraid of becoming a boring human being that no one will ever want to talk to about anything but poopie diapers ever again. But my priorities have shifted and it is something I want to do. I feel thankful I have the option. I think you are right - having it all doesn't have to mean at the same time.

[borneochica]

Interesting post. I made peace with my choice to stay home with my kids ages ago (hello, therapy!) and thank gob, because my fellow mothers, who have made other choices, could hardly be less supportive. The asinine things people who are ostensibly my friends say to me! But then who throws all the kids in the car when those same people need someone to take their son to school when he misses the bus? or be there after school to pick up their kids when they can't make it? Oh yeah, me, the woman who must be so bored sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. I can't help other people with their ignorance, so mostly I just smile and nod.

It's funny you mentioned baking a cake as freaking our girl Betty F. right the eff out, because I read so many blogs of SAHM or WAHM or working mothers who absolutely will not cop to being able to cook. It's almost like a badge of honor that women are lost in the kitchen these days; is that how we show we're good feminists? Because then I'm a pretty shitty one, since I bake and cook all sorts of stuff from scratch all the time. And do our laundry. And take my kids places. But that doesn't make me any less or more cool than the person I was before I had kids. Still, I find on my own blog, feeling slightly embarrassed admitting that I'm actually pretty decent at the whole SAHM thing. Because even though I might seem like a stereotype (no pearl clutching going on here, though), I'm not at all.

To answer your last question: I always assumed that the minute my youngest started kindergarten, I would jump back into the work force. And as a high school English teacher, I've got a pretty good gig for a parent. But as my children age, I realize that in some ways they are going to need me more to be totally there for them once relationshits and academic struggles start in earnest, not less. I gave up my right to completely run my own life the minute I gave birth. So I struggle with trying to figure out what to do in 2 years. I want to go back to teaching since I love it, but I don't want to abandon my kids to my career just because they've started school. It's complicated, balancing everything out, as you obviously know. Much wisdom to both of us.

[Riana Lance - Healthifica.com]

I've been through both, being a full time homemaker and being a full time career woman during my time as a mother and previously as a wife.

Both have their own pluses and minuses.

Before when I was fully a homemaker, I wished to get time for my own. I couldn't help it doing errands every single day. I got kinda frustated with the situation.

But now, I'm a working mom. Yesterday, my son was not feeling well. I managed to go home earlier eventually. But before, I had things to do. In the mean time, I was also frustated for being stuck with the job.

Now, I wish to go back being a full time mother. But, that will be a waste since my son is no longer a baby. He'll be on his own anytime soon.

So, I think I'll just have to be thankful for what I am, now. And, enjoy my life.

[erika]

This post really made me think, thank you. I wonder if my resistance to being a SAHM is partly due to watching my mom be marginalized by my dad growing up. I'm off to ponder this. Thanks again. You're a great writer.

[Jenny]

Every day I feel like I'm sacrificing time I'll never get back with Hailey while she's in daycare. I tell myself that she loves it and that she's learning so much and that if I were home with her she probably wouldn't be as social but...I still feel like a bad mom.

[Vee]

Thank you for the post. I've really related to it. I've struggle with this in the past. However, right now my situation is a little reversed. I have three girls. The oldest is in Kindergarten. I work full time, however, my husband is a stay at home dad. I'm really glad that he gets to have this time with our girls, to bond and educate. However, I feel as though I'm lacking. I feel like I don't have enough time to relate and give individual attention to each of my girls. So for now... I live for my evenings and weekends!

[Michelle S.]

Lena another beautiful post...you really have a way of bringing your reader "into your heart" when you write.

I have two boys - 4 & 9. My husband works from home and I work full-time but with flexible hours...meaning I can come in earlier (usually around 7:45) and I only take a half-hour lunch so I can usually leave by 3:30. I beat the traffic and I'm home in plenty of time to make a homemade dinner.

My husband is home to see the kids off in the morning (4-year old goes to a sitter 3 days, gram's 1 day and home with dad to be his "helper" on Fridays) and is able to work while we're gone...of course with the nature of his business he works a lot in the evenings too but I'm home of course.

So what I'm trying to say is that if you can possibly come to some sort of an arrangement between the two of you that you can work and still be at home at least part of the time it is very rewarding.

My husband used to have a very high-pressure, all-consuming IT management position...then one day three years ago he was laid off...just like that...budget cuts, etc. etc. And he was basically one of those workaholic guys that gave everything to his work and didn't have much to give at the end of the day...he was also plagued by terrible migraine headaches and an unhealthy weight.

That was quite a crash course on 'life lessons' at the time, but it really helped him realize what's important (in our case anyway). Now he works from home and his "salary" is half of what it used to be, but he is happier, slimmer and hasn't had more than 2 or 3 migraines in the past two years...and yes we have "scary" months, but then when you factor in the childcare savings, all of the tax benefits of a home-business and more time with his boys...that's the real pay-off.

We are very thankful for our situation...it took a while for us to get where we are, but it's a happy place for us and our boys.

Good for you Lena for embracing your role as a SAHM...it's a very very important job - don't forget it, and don't ever let anyone de-value it. Believe me, your daughter will thank you for it. Girl power!! :)

[Stefanie]

I agree that we need to take each phase of life as it comes and give 100%. I think the best part of this post is that you\'re remindng women to chill out and savor where they are RIGHT NOW.

Well done.

[Safeena]

Thank you for having the courage to look inside and for sharing it with us. It is soooo relavant.

I am no longer a young mother LOL I'm past 50 but still struggle with the same issues.

You deserve a big kiss on the forhead for coming to your AHA moment while you and Savannah, and your husband, are young enough to reap the satisfaction and pleasure of knowing who you are, in all your incarnations, and embracing them.

Again, a deep bow, and thank you.

[Kendra]

The only way we as women will ever feel confident as SAHM is when more and more people like you put a voice to it. We have to raise each other up - not knock each other down.

The workplace culture has pitted women against each other because of the choices we made in our personal lives. I agree with the earlier commenter who said that the responsibility lies on corporations to be more flexible, so women don't have to feel like they're choosing one over the other.

[Stacy]

Delurking to say thank you.

[Shrinkingmom]

I read Freidan but never could relate. I always wanted to be a homemaker . . . and frankly, I think I'll like being a homemaker more once all these messy kids leave the house! ;)

[Kat]

Lena, this was one of the most inpiring posts you've written.

While I don't have kids yet (Dear God, Please avoid sending me any of the illegitimate variety. Love, Kat), I'm already having a lot of trouble finding balance in my life. Between starting a magazine, my insanely stressful day job, trying to update my blog, wanting to write a novel, etc., etc., etc., I've been severely depressed for somewhere around four months. I have a great guy who is a tremendous source of support for me, but I need the rest of my life to get better and it has to come from within.

As for the SAHM thing, or even being a mom who works outside the home (I try to be very PC about this because being a mother IS a full-time J-O-B and should always be regarded as such), I think feminism has finally caught up to reality. At this point, I think you'll find more and more feminists who embrace motherhood as a valid choice--no less valid than throwing on a power suit and hitting the boardroom.

Plus, you know, in the Third Wave we're not exactly loving Friedan, as she only represented a small segment of women (predominantly white and privileged) who had the luxury of being able to complain about woman's role in society, as they weren't struggling just to eat/ feed their children. Even back in the Second Wave/ Women's Lib movement, bell hooks was already addressing the problems with taking the white/ privileged account of women's marginalization.

My mom feels very strongly that women should have a career outside the home. I think that has a lot to do with her generation. But she was raised by a woman who was technically a stay-at-home mom, but who had an extensive "career" in volunteerism. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are many ways to lead a full life without having a second (paying) job on top of motherhood.

[Kat]

Um, dude, I totally just wrote a blog post on your blog post--sorry to be so long-winded!!!