Soul Healing

I'm so glad Amalah wrote this post. (On a side note, can you believe that Amalah's blog didn't exist under the rock where I was living for the last year? I know, wacky. She's like Dooce, but better.)

Anyway, I read her first sentence and my stomach dropped. "Why is she admitting this to the Internet??" I thought horrified. I watched her comments closely for the next two days. The outpouring of support and comaraderie. And I cried.

See, once when Savannah was about nine months old I pushed her down.

I didn't mean to. I was in the throes of post partum depression and hanging on by a very thin thread. I was at my computer one afternoon (no, not blogging; this was 2002 B.B.) and was trying to finish something up. Savannah was 'cruising' along my legs whining wanting me to hold her. I kept saying "Okay, one minute. I'm almost done." Her whining turned into crying.

She slapped at my keyboard, skittering the cursor across the screen. I yelled 'Stop it!" in her face and angrily jerked her arm off the keyboard. Which in turn caused her to lose her balance and land on her butt on the floor. Where she cried harder. And then I cried. I made Chris come home early from work, I drove around town, and sobbed in my car for two hours.

While this was probably the best example of me 'acting out' there were HUNDREDS of times I would go into my closet and scream 'SHUT THE F*CK UP!" into a pillow. This was my coping technique.

I think about the day I pushed my innocent baby down all the time. It whispers to me in the back of my head constantly.

I didn't have blogging back then. I didn't have a network of hundreds of mothers to walk into that little apartment three years ago and say "IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT WILL GET BETTER."

If I had, I would be a more confident mother today.

So, to read Amalah's similar experience and to see the suppportive responses again and again and again was so incredible it just made me want to make out with the Internet.

When I hear people ask 'Why would I want to read a blog? Why would I care about someone's online diary?' I want to scream and shake them. 'Because we need each other!' 'Because some days we're your lifeline!' 'Because you will see yourself reflected back and it will make you a better person!'

That's why.

Comments

[Mel]

We've all been there. And anyone who says she hasn't? She's lying.

[Teri M.]

I remember those days quite well. In fact, they still come skulking around. Times when I just have to tell her,"Don't say one more word." Then turn and walk away before my head explodes.

I'm sure glad that you and all my other bloggin' grrrlz are around to share with!

[Jenn]

I know, great post wasn't it? It made me feel SO much better about losing my temper, which I'll admit I've done have done on several occasions. I think most moms have, and if they say they haven't they're most likely lying.

[emily]

i feel sometimes like we women feed off our own self-loathing. we hate ourselves for not being perfect. it's twisted, b/c we all know we're not perfect. we're human.

[Susan]

A friend who had kids before I did gave me some great advice before I gave birth:

Have at least one person who you can call when you are at the end of your rope. That person will come to sit with your child and let you get away for a while, without judging you.

My friend was that person for me. I never needed to do anything more than call to cry and complain (more often than I want to admit), but it was an enormous relief to know that, if I was ever truly on the edge, that she was there.

I have passed that along to other friends going through the same thing, offering myself as the non-judging friend who will come when called. I really believe that just knowing a person like that is out there for you makes us cope a little easier.

[Bek]

That is GREAT advice from the last commenter. I have one of those and it has saved me. I feel so blessed to have found a group of women who spoke about this kid of thing openly. No one tried to pretend we are anything less then human. One time a friend told me "the thing that sets child abusers apart from the rest of us parents is not that fact that the "abusers" can even THINK of harming a child, it is that the "non abusers" are able to walk away and calm down..that is harder". True.

I distinctly recall having a crying one year old who would NOT STOP. I wanted to spank her till she stopped. Even at the time it didn't make sense.....thankfully I had friends to vent to.

There is a phrase that is uttered often in our home when the kids are being stinkers "I am going to sell you to the Gypsies". It is something my grandmother used to say and it breaks the tension. The kids know it is the cue to take it down a notch.....

Great post

[Virenda]

I read Amalah's post just now and yours and all the comments and I LOVE IT. I admire people that can open up and let the judgment go. I think the reason we keep it to ourselves is we have a fear of being judged mostly because we judge ourselves.

As EVERYONE has stated, it's normal, it happens. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

I read a few personal blogs and there is one that helped me. Sometimes it's not about finding an answer to our problems but just knowing someone else has the same problem, the same struggle.

Friends are our life lines.

[Sadaf]

There are days I literally want to shoot myself in the head to escape the stress of childcare, the mess, the clean-up, the whining, crying, the fighting amongst the children, just all the noise. I got a tip from a mother who has five children under age five (I think she had two sets of twins, but one more), she goes into her walk-in closet and sits down for five minutes to recollect herself and then comes out feeling a little more refreshed and able to take on the challenge. Motherhood is damn hard work.

[mothergoosemouse]

Normal. And we are all so much better off talking about it.

[Melissa]

It is completly normal. I adore blogging. I might have stayed home with my kids longer, had I had blogging back then.

Lena, I think everyone has something they did to their kids that they regret. I have one that I still feel guilty about. It's good to talk about it. I am proud of Amalah for admiting it to the entire internet. She opened some great conversations.

[Michelle]

Things like this are why I love the internet - it is helping me mentally prepare while still knowing I can never be prepared.

[MaksMomma]

Wow!! When I clicked on the link to read Amalah's blog, I thought I was reading my life story. I'm going through the terrible 2's right now and that shit aint no joke! I love my daughter with everything in me but some days I could throw her ass out the window! Then I have the pleasure of hearing from my mother how "she's just like I was"! I guess pay backs really are a bitch!
Great stuff, I'm so glad Im finally finding out that I'm normal, after all these years.

[mindy]

i'm so glad i'm not the only one. the guilt i feel when i've had a trying day with my son (he just turned 2) and i want to get in my car and drive far away is so intense i just sit and cry about how i shouldn't feel like that and i must be a horrible mom and so on. friends, whether they be on the phone, next door, or in blogland are so important to have. i think we are so lucky to have that.

[Katherine]

That was very brave of you and I hope you get heaps and heaps of support. You certainly have mine - for what it's worth since I'm not a mom, but I can relate to the feeling. I think you have to let go of the guilt and stop beating yourself up - you're human. I totally agree about what you get from the blogging community. People who don't blog just don't understand and I have to say, I'm really sick of trying to explain. I'm going to even stop sharing that I blog!

[jennster]

i totally wrote about the same thing in response to amalah's post as well!

[Mega Mom]

I wrote a lengthy post about spanking once after I'd seen a post about it. I had to take it down because I'd only been blogging a short time and I was afraid that people would define me by that one post. The crazy thing is how much worse it can get when you have multiple kids. It is so important to have a strong support group whether it is the internet or neighborhood friends (the latter are wonderful for being there in minutes). I'm so glad people were supportive!

[bobealia]

Is it too much to say "I love you"?
How about, "I like you very much"?
Or, "I think you are awesome"?
Pick and choose.

[Mary]

My son is 16, and there are still three incidents I feel sad about. I didn't really hurt him, but I was so mad, and he just looked at me with those sad eyes, not understanding. Fortunately, in 16 years there have been far more good moments than bad, and he's grown up to be a great person. He doesn't even remember them. I wish I didn't.

[theresa]

Oh, how I wish there was blogging when I was a young mother. I too got frustrated with my twins. I remember pulling my daughter's hair after she, at age 9 months, pulled a handful of mine right out of my scalp. I look back at that turning point of my life and regret it, yet at the same time see it as a learning experience. I never did anything like that again, even though I came from an abusive family. Being able to be open and honest is what heals us and changes us.

[theresa]

One more thing, yes, that bride I posted about on my site was for real! My daughter spoke with the photographer after the bride ran out and he was telling her that he would have to photoshop all of the brides' pictures to curl up the corners of her mouth. The photograper was taking tons of pictures of the chairs, walls, tables so that he could photoshop the bride in when he got home. Amazing!

[princessr9]

We've all been there and we've all done things that we aren't exactly proud of. I've had to teach myself to walk away and find a place to sit and calm down before dealing with my kids when they're acting up.

[mamatulip]

I smacked Julia once on the leg while I was changing her diaper. I was pregnant with Oliver and was having terrible pelvis pain; just standing over the change table was like a form of torture. Julia was in a mood and was kicking on the table and kicked me hard in the belly. I reacted instantly, without thinking, and I smacked her calf. It was right then that I learned there's nothing wrong with stopping whatever you're doing and walking away from a frustrating situation with your child.

[Mrs. Chicky]

I think in our "real" lives we won't openly admit that we have days like that unless someone starts with an admission themselves. Blogging gives us a certain level of anonymity that makes us feel comfortable enough to share our stories, painful and otherwise. And I'm so glad it does. I probably would have hopped in my car and never returned by now if not for the people in BlogWorld and their sympathetic ears.

I've been there and I'll remember it for the rest of my life. But I'm glad there are people that I can share my guilt with. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it easier to bear.

[keda]

thank you for passing us on to that post! and thank you for this one.

yes we do all have days like that. i remember sitting on the floor between the twins cots howling. in a foreign country, no partner, no family and no other friends to call.
luckily my crying shocked the buggerlets into silence, and it worked.

but who has not. we are all human and without infinite patience. also i believe our children should seee us as not always being perfect anyway. it gives them comfort to know that it is not only them who have tantrums.

if we can feel that it is ok to be vulerable and to know that others understand, then we can cope better.

i also often want to snog the blogosphere for putting us together with others who know.

keep it up girls.

[Lisa]

Wow, I loved this post. This is so true. We do need one another. I love blogs by women because it makes me feel not alone in our plight of child care/career/personal passions balancing. Ugh.

Lisa