I'm so glad Amalah wrote this post. (On a side note, can you believe that Amalah's blog didn't exist under the rock where I was living for the last year? I know, wacky. She's like Dooce, but better.)
Anyway, I read her first sentence and my stomach dropped. "Why is she admitting this to the Internet??" I thought horrified. I watched her comments closely for the next two days. The outpouring of support and comaraderie. And I cried.
See, once when Savannah was about nine months old I pushed her down.
I didn't mean to. I was in the throes of post partum depression and hanging on by a very thin thread. I was at my computer one afternoon (no, not blogging; this was 2002 B.B.) and was trying to finish something up. Savannah was 'cruising' along my legs whining wanting me to hold her. I kept saying "Okay, one minute. I'm almost done." Her whining turned into crying.
She slapped at my keyboard, skittering the cursor across the screen. I yelled 'Stop it!" in her face and angrily jerked her arm off the keyboard. Which in turn caused her to lose her balance and land on her butt on the floor. Where she cried harder. And then I cried. I made Chris come home early from work, I drove around town, and sobbed in my car for two hours.
While this was probably the best example of me 'acting out' there were HUNDREDS of times I would go into my closet and scream 'SHUT THE F*CK UP!" into a pillow. This was my coping technique.
I think about the day I pushed my innocent baby down all the time. It whispers to me in the back of my head constantly.
I didn't have blogging back then. I didn't have a network of hundreds of mothers to walk into that little apartment three years ago and say "IT'S OKAY. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT WILL GET BETTER."
If I had, I would be a more confident mother today.
So, to read Amalah's similar experience and to see the suppportive responses again and again and again was so incredible it just made me want to make out with the Internet.
When I hear people ask 'Why would I want to read a blog? Why would I care about someone's online diary?' I want to scream and shake them. 'Because we need each other!' 'Because some days we're your lifeline!' 'Because you will see yourself reflected back and it will make you a better person!'