Lone(ly) Child?

Of course this got my panties all in a bunch. Not the post, but the comments.

Someone (who shall remain nameless due to the fact that she's already gotten enough unwanted attention) made some sweeping generalization about "only children". Something along the lines of "you owe it to your first child to make a commitment to have another" and "studies show only children tend not to turn out as well as children with siblings".

Hold on a sec. I need to step away from my desk and throw myself down the stairs.

"you owe it to your first child to make a commitment to have another"

The thought that I am "depriving" my child of a sibling because my freaking body doesn't work and that I "owe" her someone to be with in this world when I'm gone RIPS MY HEART OUT.

If it's true.

Do I really believe what some random stranger's opinion is regarding our personal procreative decisions? Intellectually, no. But, you know when someone verbalizes your fears? How it just resonates with you? That's how I feel.

I don't think I want Savannah to grow up without a sibling, but I also know that I have little control over what the future holds.

I can't 'just' adopt. Money, time, and religious preference are not necessarily on our side.

I can't gestate another on my own without a new titanium liver and a doctor willing to let me move in.

And all my friends' uteruses (uteri?) are, frankly, tired.

Where does that leave me? Vacillating between hoping a great adoption agency falls into our lap that likes to adopt babies out on layaway or seriously considering just having one child.

Then I read something like this string of comments and I feel all angsty again.

"studies show only children tend not to turn out as well as children with siblings"

The studies show that now, do they? Exactly how is "turn out as well" defined? As well as, say Hitler? Because he was one of six.

This part of the comment made me all kinds of warm and fuzzy because I AM AN ONLY CHILD.

I know firsthand what the perks and disadvantages are of growing up without a sibling. Yes, I would prefer to have a brother or sister now as an adult. Especially after burying a parent last year. But, I know that my life is full of love and light and family and friends. And that's the most I can wish for my daughter.

I wish I could say that this post is about me telling Thoughtless Commenter to kiss my sibling-less booty, but it's really a reminder for all of us to remember to think before we type and remember that our opinions are only our perceptions shaped by our own experiences and do not reflect the "right" way to live.

Because it hurts.

Now my opinion? Is that it is the type of parents you have that determines how well you'll "turn out" more so than whether you have siblings or not. What do you think? Which is more important? 

Comments

[princessr9]

My mother always told me if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. When I read someone's blog and I disagree or don't like what they have to say instead of acting like an ass, I just don't comment. Most of the time though, I really try to find something nice and positive to say. What goes around comes around and one day karma will bite that person who made that comment in the ass.

[Jensgalore]

I am one of five siblings, and I have to say, I love it. I feel so privileged to be the sister of such great people. I love knowing my brothers and sisters, and I love having them in my life.

However! Would I think my life wasn't worth living without my sibs? No. They are an added blessing to my life, not the whole of my life. I am sure I would find life a good thing, even without them.

My opinion: Good parents have a positive impact on your life. Good relationships with siblings is another positive thing. In the end, though, my life is what I make it and I don't need either good parents, or siblings, to have a good life.

[Lena]

So true that siblings are not guaranteed to be close all their lives.

And Trouble's comment regarding having to re-establish her relationship with her daughter is also an important factor that i must consider.

There will be a resolution to this. Somehow. I will either get comfortable with our family as it is. Or we will adopt. Either way though, I MUST believe that Savannah is being given the best possible life. I just can't live with myself otherwise.

[Kristin]

I wouldn't doubt for a moment that your daughter is being given the best possible life... you love your daughter, you respect her, and you take her needs into account... she is better than fine!

[Michele]

I have just one child too. Like you my body isn't really into giving me another (lupus and weak cervix) and my new husband also got his plumbing turned off 17 years ago.

My son, is complimented I kid you not daily on how well behaved, mannered, loving, smart and in general AWESOME. Everyone wants a child like mine, they ask me how I got him to be the way. Do I think he's missing out on having a sibling, NO. It's my own desire and I'm not so sure he's on board with the idea that mommy wants another.

I think that in some ways he's got it better than children who have to fight for mommy and daddy's attention.

I bet you that woman who left you that comment is overwhelmed with her children and is envious.

As a mother of an only child and the oldest of four girls, if you love a child and raise them to love themselves, it doesn't matter how many people make up the word, "family."

[Lisa]

OMG, what blog was this? Hello. I'm so sorry you had to read something like that!!

[Lisa]

Never mind - yes, I'm an idiot. I found it.

I may be alone here, but I felt a little sorry for Amy. Not only was she "off" in her thinking, but she blundered by making an incredibly insensitive statement in an inappropriate forum. I cringed for her, honestly.
I am a school psych. Only children, from my experience, often have strong language skills (they generally commune with adults more than kids), a strong sense of self, and often, a lot of overt confidence (in a good way). I have never, ever, once thought, "Oh, if only that child had a sibling..." Hang in there, Lena. Never let the words of a misguided person divert your attention from what is important. Love your blog!

[Sunshine Scribe]

This cuts deep for me on so many levels. My five year old son is an only child and not because I chose it that way. But even if I had chose it, it makes me so furious and sad that someone would make any of those suggestions. I could write a 10 page long essay in the comment section of your blog about my reaction to this but I'll just say ... I hear ya.

[Teresa M.]

Oh my. I am so sorry that you were hurt, angered and wrankled by that totally insensitive and ignorant comment. I too am an only child. It has/had it good points and it's bad...so does having sibs. I HATE it when people paint one or the other as so black and white.
I never disliked being an only child until I was an adult. But it was also when I became an adult that I began to see that not all sibs have close relationships. My mom and her sister aren't close at all....and my MIL and her sis don't speak either. My Dad and his 4 sibs aren't speaking - it's not a guarantee that your adult years will be easier or better because you have a friend who is your DNA.
I am upset at the blatent insensitivity by that comment - you are so open, clear and confident in your choices - at least that is how it comes across in writing....but I SO understand how it resonates in your heart. I'VE got your back sister! You aren't alone! And your child isn't an "ONLY" child, she is going to be a strong, independent child with a great Mommy who is smart, funny & gives SO much joy and laughter to other adult "independent" children like myself.
FWIW - I worry that I will subconciously put too much pressure on my girls to BE CLOSE - what if they just don't like each other in 20 years? What good is it going to do to them if I push it? My parents were divorced when I was 3 - so in that commentors' mind does that mean that I also am maladjusted because of that AND having no sibs?
PAHLEEESSSEEEEEE. YOU go girl!

[Teacher Lady]

I read that comment and thought that woman was a complete moron. My brother and I are almost five years apart, and I feel like I had the best of both worlds. Only child for nearly five years - which I LOVED, by the way - and then older sister to chubby, adorable younger brother. And clearly that woman didn't do her history research - isn't there all kinds of birth order info out there about how 99.9% of all astronauts, presidents, uber-geniuses are oldest or ONLY children? Duh.

[Katherine]

Ack! Please don't even let tactless people and their idiotic comments take up space in your brain. Ridiculous! My best friend is an only child and she is one cool chick - independent, smart and compassionate. Of course, she does eat McDonald's Fat Kids' Meals but no one's perfect.

[katelynsmama]

I didn't take the time to read her comment your blog and comments by others told me enough. Unless you've been through making that decision or are close to someone who has you just can't understand and should keep your mouth shut. Doesn't she realize that (atleast for me anyway) even when someone just asks when you're having another one it makes you almost puke. The gut wrenching knife piercing your heart again. I too had to make this decision it's hard. My nephew is five and asked me this weekend (his mom's pregnant) "so do you have a baby in your tummy yet" I couldn't help it I even lost it a little with him. I was nice about it but I told him no and to not bother asking again because it wouldn't be happening ever. On a happy note. The next time you're at the doctor and they ask if you could be pregnant. Tell your male doctor no my husband's "fixed". Both of my doctors just cringed and immediately informed me it's called a vasectomy. (Like I'm that dumb)Boy did it offend there genitalia ha ha. In my house we try to joke about it a little. So as I informed my doctor "no he's fixed so I won't get anymore broken". Just be happy as I am that you have a husband who loves you. Some people are just stupid.

[40&thensome]

Your are absolutely right!
"We owe it to our children" to be a good parent.
A child raised with other siblings with poor parenting will have the same result as an only child raised with poor parenting.

[Lena]

I want to believe that parenting is more important than having a sibling. But, realistically I also don\'t want her alone in the world.

Do I think she won\'t \'turn out as well\' if we can\'t provide a sibling? Absolutely not.

[Mom101]

Sunshine Scribe has great taste. Wonderful post.

[PaintingChef]

Unbelievable. People just blow my mind sometimes. I am sometimes asked "Why don't you have any children" and I want to yell and scream at them. "I'M TRYING! I've had 5 miscarriages! My uterus is BUSTED! My ovaries are PUNKS! But guess what! Even if none of things were true, maybe I'm just not ready yet." Motherhood is so personal. And the way that people think its alright to just impose their thoughts and opinions and stupid asinine statements like "only children don't turn out as well" is just outrageous.

It gets my blood boiling...in case you didn't notice.

Anyway, congratulations on your Perfect Post. You deserved it!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I loathe the questions. First it's when are you going to have a kid. Then it's when is the next one coming - and god forbid you say you don't want kids at all - or you just want one.

When did people become so freaking ignorant?

[Izzy]

For a long time, I was positive I didn't want any more children and I got so much crap for it. That's not why I changed my mind but I didn't appreciate people butting into my business telling me what to do with my already somewhat challenged lady parts. Sorry you had to contend with that moron.

[Mommy off the Record]

What a horrible thing for that person to say. I am so sorry that she hurt your feelings. I can tell you are a great mom, and NO, you do not need siblings to be happy. I think the type of parents you have is much more important. Lucky for your daugher, you are her mother and not that Thoughtless Commentator.

Congrats on the perfect post award!

[Crazy MomCat]

Congrats on your perfect post award today! I had to comment because I grew up for most of my childhood an only child (my sister is 8 years younger than me). To say there is something wrong with only children is nuts. I think you are completely right on when you say it is the parents of only children who must be there to help them learn about things like sharing and other things they might not be as frequently exposed to without siblings. I can't believe how narrow-minded and judgmental some people can be!

[Lisa B]

I know what you mean. Every day my son BEGS for a little brother of sister. And I hurts me as its not like I can whip one up... We've had my hubby's sperm tested. We know there's a problem on that end but I haven't been tested yet either. And an adoption would wipe out the nest egg (which will go to son's college and our retirement someday) we've been working on for many years. So its a very difficult decision.

Congrats on your Perfect Post. This was a wonderful one!

[Lisa B]

And yeah, for now we're thinking our little man might be the only one. But how is that a bad thing? He is very close to his cousins and is around kids all of the time. He knows how to share and he's very sweet. In fact alot of the only children I know are wonderful people!

[Raehan]

My cousin is an only child and she's a wonderful, kind, successful, content person. Sure once in a while she wishes she has siblings, but you make of your life what you get and she has a wonderful husband and family and loves her life.

Congrats on the award.

[Renee]

Many emotionally content people are onlies. I'm sorry you were hurt but, sadly, there will always be somebody to judge you. You just do what's right for your family. Found you through Perfect Post. :)