Lone(ly) Child?

Of course this got my panties all in a bunch. Not the post, but the comments.

Someone (who shall remain nameless due to the fact that she's already gotten enough unwanted attention) made some sweeping generalization about "only children". Something along the lines of "you owe it to your first child to make a commitment to have another" and "studies show only children tend not to turn out as well as children with siblings".

Hold on a sec. I need to step away from my desk and throw myself down the stairs.

"you owe it to your first child to make a commitment to have another"

The thought that I am "depriving" my child of a sibling because my freaking body doesn't work and that I "owe" her someone to be with in this world when I'm gone RIPS MY HEART OUT.

If it's true.

Do I really believe what some random stranger's opinion is regarding our personal procreative decisions? Intellectually, no. But, you know when someone verbalizes your fears? How it just resonates with you? That's how I feel.

I don't think I want Savannah to grow up without a sibling, but I also know that I have little control over what the future holds.

I can't 'just' adopt. Money, time, and religious preference are not necessarily on our side.

I can't gestate another on my own without a new titanium liver and a doctor willing to let me move in.

And all my friends' uteruses (uteri?) are, frankly, tired.

Where does that leave me? Vacillating between hoping a great adoption agency falls into our lap that likes to adopt babies out on layaway or seriously considering just having one child.

Then I read something like this string of comments and I feel all angsty again.

"studies show only children tend not to turn out as well as children with siblings"

The studies show that now, do they? Exactly how is "turn out as well" defined? As well as, say Hitler? Because he was one of six.

This part of the comment made me all kinds of warm and fuzzy because I AM AN ONLY CHILD.

I know firsthand what the perks and disadvantages are of growing up without a sibling. Yes, I would prefer to have a brother or sister now as an adult. Especially after burying a parent last year. But, I know that my life is full of love and light and family and friends. And that's the most I can wish for my daughter.

I wish I could say that this post is about me telling Thoughtless Commenter to kiss my sibling-less booty, but it's really a reminder for all of us to remember to think before we type and remember that our opinions are only our perceptions shaped by our own experiences and do not reflect the "right" way to live.

Because it hurts.

Now my opinion? Is that it is the type of parents you have that determines how well you'll "turn out" more so than whether you have siblings or not. What do you think? Which is more important? 

Comments

[Char]

What bull crap! I cannot believe someone actually typed that. How inconsiderate, to say the least. Just from reading your blog almost daily, I know that you are not the type of parent who would deprive your child of anything. Some things are just beyond our control. But for someone to think you are doing harm to your child because you are not able to provide her with a sibling!! Unbelievable.

I completely agree with you, Lena. It's all about parenting. Not about how many siblings you have. I am the youngest of six and there were times growing up that I wished I was the one and only.

As for the mean commentor, I shutter to think how her kid(s) will turn out due to having a mother who is so judgemental.

Ignore the load of crap that she laid on you.

Keep your chin up...Char

[Virenda]

Thank you so much for the reminder Lena because some people type before they think. There are a ton of people with opinions and they feel the NEED to throw and beat you down with them. I hate that.

S is NOT deprived and her being an only sibling isn't a freaking choice, it's just the way it is. I KNOW that it's more about the parent then it is about siblings. There are a lot of great only children in this world.

So if you wont say it I will.
"Kiss my ass."

[Jenn]

I happened upon that discussion yesterday, and by then comments had already been closed. And I could totally understand why, but it frustrated me because I really wanted to bitchslap the person who made that comment. I know lots of only children, myself included, and I think that we've turned out just fine. My mother would have liked more children, but she and my dad didn't have a good marriage. They got divorced and she didn't remarry until after I was grown. Sometimes that's just life. Do I regret not having a brother or sister to share crap like planning my dad's funeral? Sure. But it's just the way it is. I certainly don't think that having a sibling would have made me turn out any better. I do know that had my mom stayed with my dad, my life would have been MUCH different, and not in a positive way. So I thank her for making the best choices for herself and for me that she knew how to make.

Now my husband and I are trying to conceive again, and if it doesn't happen in the next few months I may just have to be ok with one kid. (He'll be 40 tomorrow.) And yeah, I would be a little sad if my son were to grow up as an only child... I don't think any kid needs that much of my obsessive undivided attention... I'll probably drive him insane. But do I think he would be slighted in any way by not having a sibling? No way, and you shouldn't either. All you can do is be the best mom you know how to be, and that's enough.

[Melissa]

I read all of it and i think it is horrendous. I also think it is completly un-called for to find someones personal info and put it on someone elses blog, just because they are pissed. Just uncool and that isn't the first place I've seen it. Ok....rant done.

Now on to what I meant to say. You are not depriving her at all by her being an only. There are a lot of only kids around. Any kids can end up nuts and any can end up wonderful. But it generally has nothing to do with having a sibling or not. I doubt that the person who spoke such crap on that site, was thinking clearly.

[Chantal]

I only made it through some of the comments before I came back.

There are so many factors to the decision of family size. How you grew up. Finances. Desire. Medical history. And on and on.

My husband is an only child. I make fun of him sometimes and call him self-centred and a Mama's boy. But really, beyond those things he is extremely well adjusted. He is the most honest, trustworthy and charming person I know. He said as a kid he often wished for a sibling, but he doesn't define his life by it. He did want to have a large family though, but because he just plain loves kids. He has ALOT of fun with our kids - because he's a great parent now. Not because he was an only child then. KWIM?

I have a sister and often wished to be an only child. LOL She and I are so different and until we were both adults and Moms, we didn't have much in common. I didn't have many ideas on how many kids I wanted until I met my husband and he made me excited about a large family.

It's hard for me to weigh in because my husband and I agree on this. I think he would like two more, but for the most part, four was an easy decision we both are very comfortable with.

YOU, Lena, are a rockin' Mom to Savannah. If she comes out half as great as you, she's good to go.

[mindy]

lena,
i have read your blog for some time now, and have yet to comment.. until today. i just can't believe it.. surely, she was kidding..right??
i have a 2 year-old son, and people always ask ; when are you having another one? well, frankly, i'm tired and broke. i would love to have another, if i had a million dollars, a nanny, a bigger home, more car space, etc. i don't see anything wrong with having just one child. in fact, i've read studies that say only children grow and thrive more, because they had more personal attention. i guess there are always arguments for both sides. i'm sorry that you aren't able to physically have more.. but, there is a reason for everything. my friend maria can't have any children. her and her husband have tried for 10 years and have spent over $100,000 in various treatments. it's just not meant to be. she's meant for something greater. wow, sorry. this comment has become a novel.

[doggerel blogger]

I agree - she referenced an article as basis for her opinion that basically said there's no difference between only children and siblings (did she read it?). Aside from guilt about not giving our kids "everything", like the latest toy, a sibling may not be what our children really need.

You do what's right for you - happy parents are good parents, and it's as simple as that.

[Becki]

There are so many factors shaping how a child turns out, and whether or not she has siblings is one of them. An only child seems likely to get more parental attention, and to have more resources devoted to her well-being. I would think that would be a big advantage to being an only child.

And the evidence I have is purely anecdotal, but every adult only child I can think of is very well-adjusted, social, and high-achieving. It might be just a coincidence. But I don't think so.

I have two siblings, and I'm happy I do. I have two children, and I'm glad they have each other (although they're not). But I don't think that having one child is necessarily worse than having two, or four, or, for that matter, none.

[Erin]

Hi Lena,
Your blog rocks. I am addicted. And, a recent article linked to on Parenting Pop Culture about larger families in Boston actually cited a statistic that said for each additional child in a family, there is an impact on how much education each child achieves:
"In terms of academics, people complete an average of one-fifth of a grade less in education for every sibling they have. That could be partly attributed to a concept known as "dilution of parental resources," which holds that as parents have more children, their per-child dollop of attention and money is reduced. "

The article goes on to qualify this, but it goes to show that there are benefits and drawbacks to both sides, anecdotal and (supposedly) scientific. Some things are out of your control and sometimes one of those things is the size of your family. You are a good parent. Your child will not suffer from the lack of a sibling if that is what ends up happening. She will cultivate friends who are like sisters and maybe brothers. We all make our own way in the world, gathering families around us as we go.

[Jess R]

Another great, thought-provoking post, Lena. Some things are beyond our control, and people need to think before they type/speak. Whenever I mention that J and I may only have one child, my mother loses it.

And the comment by doggerel blogger definitely resonated with me: a happy parent IS a good parent.

[Teri M.]

The multiple kids debate really hits home with me. In my "life plan", H. showed up about 5 years earlier than scheduled. I was a little thrown. But once I got used to the idea I was, of course, thrilled, to say the least. She was such a perfect baby that her dad and I would to say that we must have used up all the good genes and didn't want to risk it. But really, I never felt the urge to have another child. When I get that "want a baby" feeling, what I really want is for HER to be my baby again. Cuz, seriously, she was a fantastic baby/toddler. And she is growing up into a funny and interesting person. Lately, I've been reading a LOT about families with more than one child and it makes me second guess our decision. Then I stop and take stock. Uh. Nope. One is still good for me.
Now I've got to shake the Jr. High tendency to feel like a freak because I'm not doing what the in-crowd is doing.
And this rambling, way too long comment is, like, only the tip of my iceberg. Hm. Maybe I'll blog about it. Heh.

[Freakren]

You can have my siblings! What a joke that comment was.

[Aunty Em]

Are you kidding me???!!! I am one of seven and collectively we have but one broken brain. What a silly comment to be made. You are absolutely right, it's the quality of parenting, not the quantity of offspring that makes a decent human being.

[Sam]

I loved having brothers and sisters, but at the same time I envied my friends who were single children. I think it's a case of everyone wishes they had it better - and better is different, lol.
Is there one group of kids who do better? I think studies proved it was single children - but then again, who really cares? As long as the kid(s) are happy and loved, one or more makes no difference.

[Amanda]

I am an only child. I turned out very well thank you (pats self on the back). There is no set rule that everyone must have a sibling. Sure, when I was younger I wished I had someone to play with, but there were always cousins around.

It's such a personal decision, and many factors go into why you have the # of children that you do. Most of the reasons why/why not are no one else's business, plain & simple. We all make our own choices, and live with those decisions for the rest of our lives. If we're OK with it, then forget what anyone else says or thinks.

[TheIdleReceptionist]

I'm with you Lena -- What do they mean by "not turn out as well?" Aside from being poor in grammatical structure, that is probably the biggest blanket statement I've ever heard.

There are pros and cons to being the only child, just as there are pros and cons to being a sibling among many.

Your child's future depends on the love and nurture she is shown growing up. And I think we can safely say you are in THAT venture 100%, dahlink.

[Michelle]

Hi Lena,
Wow, another moving post - you really write from the heart - which is why I make sure I check your blog daily...keep it up!
Now, as far as the whole "only child" debate goes, let me just say that I am an only child (which for a 38-year old is quite unusual) and you are RIGHT!!! It's not the number of siblings you have that determines how well you turn out, it's the love and direction and TIME that your parents invest in raising you...one kid or six kids...they need their parent's love, attention, and time!
It's sad that some people can be so incredibly thoughtless, but I would have to say that you have the right attitude, I can tell you're crazy about your daughter, and you love being with her. Don't you worry - she'll turn out just great, with or without a sibling. Oh, and being married to a man who is one of FIVE siblings, none of whom speak to each other or the parents, I can tell you that having brothers and sisters doesn't guarantee happiness, companionship, or friendship. Again, it all goes back to the Functionality or DISfunctionality of the family...if it ain't workin', having a larger family doesn't make it any easier!!
(fortunately he has my awesome loving family!)
Hang in there Lena...keep it positive - I just love your posts!

Michelle

[trouble]

Please don't let these comments get you down. There are many advantages to having an only child. My daughter was 5 when my son was born, and it took years for us to re-establish our relationship. She had previously bloomed and been the sunshine of our days and then, after E was born, she deeply resented him at times.

There is no perfect family style, and we all got our baggage.

[MaksMomma]

You know what Lena, it's all a load of crap! Who is she to say anything about what your doing or not doing?? It's her business, how?? You can't help how things turned out, all you can do is move on from here. If by some chance you get to adopt, great...if not, thats great too. Your little girl will be will just fine. The grass is always greener on the other side. You ask only children, yes they wish they had a sibling, you ask people with lots of siblings, they wish they were the only child. Its always easy for people to make comments on something that isnt happening to them. I bet she would have something much different to say if it was her.

[R. Robyn]

people sure do have a lot to say.

love you lena. one kid is better than no kid.

[R. Robyn]

people sure do have a lot to say.

love you lena. one kid is better than no kid.

[Sadaf]

My cousin is an only child, her father developed kidney disease after she was born and they couldn't have anymore kids. Sometimes fathers are unable to have more children. But she grew up just fine surrounded by loving parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. She just graduated college and is going to go to law school. And she is not selfish or lonely at all, she is just a great well mannered, well adjusted girl.

I agree parents are the most important thing that influence a child, not number of siblings, that's so dumb. Don't let worrying about what you don't have keep you from enjoying what you do have, a beautiful happy family.

[Bobealia]

I have no words. WTF??? Umm... how is this backed up? Like, for example, if you are poor and you can barely feed yourself, how can you feed another baby? Is it still better to have a second child in that instance? I know, I'm being extreme and going way off track. It's just that we have some many different types of families in North America, that I don't understand the study. I'm an only child - of my parents. I have two half brothers here, one half brother there, and 4 semi-siblings of a woman my father never married after eight years of my childhood with them... So... am I am only child? No. Yes. Middle? Youngest? Ok, so I know that there are now many kids in my situation, and I wonder, did they take that statistic in Stepford?? And another thing... How can the adoption agencies discriminate based on religion?? I don't understand. Isn't this like illegal in this country? Uh... why do they even have to know your religion? Can't you put "blank" on that part of the form?
Anywhoo... hug S and just come what may I guess. Who cares about some judgemental bi#ch and crazy-assed discrimanent adoption agencies.

[Meredith]

Lena,

Hang in there. Only you know what's best for your family. Don't let others get you down. As someone who's endured infertility problems and miscarriages, people who like to dole out procreation advice should just butt out.

Take care,

Meredith

[mama_tulip]

You are absolutely right, Lena -- it's the TYPE OF PARENT you have that really determines that you have, not the NUMBER OF SIBLINGS you have. I am an only child and I turned out pretty damn good. I had close friends, I had special relationships with my cousins and I have a friend now who I feel is my "sister". I really have a hard time with people who feel that we, as mothers and as parents, owe it to our children to have more than one, because sometimes, as you are well aware, that just ain't gonna happen.