Fancy Moses, I'm allergic to sun.
Sun!
I can't wait to see my next allergy. Wind? Oxygen? Love?
If we were part of the Animal Kingdom you would sniff me out and avoid me. I'm the wounded weak one. The one that brings down the whole herd.
If I lived 100 years ago I'd be the girl who gets smallpox, then polio, and then dies during childbirth. ("Tragic child. She really was doomed at the start, what with her frailities. Yes, it's best.")
I had my physical yesterday (small round of applause). Yes, thank you. It really was a feat considering I'm at Dr. Google's offices at least once a week freaking myself the hell out. Do you know that they call a female physical a "Well Woman" now? I can only assume this stands for 'Well, woman. What do you have to say for yourself? You haven't been here in two years!"
Anyway.
Guess which made me the most uncomfortable during my visit:
a)The doctor flirting with the pharmaceutical rep outside my door for a good fifteen minutes before entering
b)The nurse calling me 'girlfriend'
c)This interaction during my breast exam - Me:"I have breast implants" Doctor: "You sure do!" *
d)The doctor sighing, squirming and finally kicking the stool out from under himself before snapping "Has anyone told you you have a very high cervix?"
e)All of the above
If you guessed e, as in "Eeeeeeeee that speculum is cold!" you're right.
I also learned that in addition to having a knack for giving myself ulcers worrying about...(wait for it)...my health!...I also am allergic to sun. Which explains why my face looks like this after the slightest slice of sunlight touches it. Wouldn't it be funny if I was kidding?
This is quite an inconvenient development because, you know THE SUN IS IN THE SKY AND I LIVE ON THE EARTH.
Stay tuned for my new blog: Livin'ItUpInABubble.com.
*I swear to a closet full of Manolos this happened.
Sounds like your doctor has spent years honing his bedside manner.
No, seriously, you're allergic to the SUN? Um, what do you do for that?
Posted by: mamatulip | 06/15/2006 at 02:10 PM
My best friend became allergic to sun while she was pregnant. She would break out in bumps and hives and be just miserable cause she had morning sickness, and that means all day sickness and it was hot and stuff. And she did it again just last year. Amazes me :)
Posted by: Softball Slut | 06/15/2006 at 02:15 PM
Exibit A for why I insist on a female doctor.
Oy. Vey.
Sun allergy? Bummer. Time to see how you look in a burka? Kidding. I'm kidding, people!!
Posted by: Teri M. | 06/15/2006 at 02:17 PM
I'd be thumbing through my HMO list of providers right now. Holy crap on a stick.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | 06/15/2006 at 02:18 PM
Or Exhibit. Which ever you prefer.
So, you're, like, Beth March in Little Women.
Posted by: Teri M. | 06/15/2006 at 02:19 PM
The bad part is that we all need the sun to thrive. Dark places make us into gollum!! But the cancer and other stuff you can get if allergic to the sun, makes me think a bubble is not a bad thing!!
I too only go to female doctors. Men just don't get it IMHO!
Posted by: Debbie | 06/15/2006 at 02:53 PM
Oh jeez, Lena! I would have been utterly mortified during that doctor's visit. And you can bet I'd be switching doctors too.
I'm with Softball Slut (never thought I'd EVER hear myself say that)... Female GYN's are the way to go.
Sorry to hear about the sun allergy. What a bummer. I mean, really. Not only do you live on Earth, but you live in CA. Could there be any more insult to injury there?
Posted by: ~ Stacy ~ | 06/15/2006 at 03:03 PM
I can't believe you linked to Enemy Mine! I loved that movie as a kid. (Is that weird?)
Also, your doctor sounds like he belongs on some sort of reality show.
Posted by: Frema | 06/15/2006 at 03:52 PM
I know the feeling about being sensitive to everything and having everything that could be wrong... be wrong. I am the same way. I have a whole list of things that I'm allergic too. Try being allergic to deoderant!! Now that's fun! Good times, let me tell ya!!
Posted by: MaksMomma | 06/15/2006 at 04:24 PM
Alright now. Find another doctor. Now. I'm just not in to all that freaky doctor crap like that. Your descriptions just scared me. Does he perhaps call himself a specialist? My SIL went to some like that, and to have so much more education, they were a bunch of quacks. Seriously.
But anyway, don't feel like a freak or anything. My mom is the same way. If it could be wrong, she's had it or experienced it. Fun, fun.
Posted by: Amanda | 06/15/2006 at 04:51 PM
I really do think we must be long lost twins or something. I am literally allergic to paper, trees all pretty smelling things and yes, sun. Next up, air.
Posted by: Melissa | 06/15/2006 at 06:38 PM
my ONE allergy? Sun. High-five, mama.
Posted by: GIRLS GONE CHILD | 06/15/2006 at 08:03 PM
My response to some of this: "Well woman - time to move on and find a new Dr - preferably a well, WOMAN."
I soooo dislike male Drs anymore - the only one I go to now who isn't female is Eye & Dentist..and Eye guy is on his way out as soon as I find eye Woman! They don't get it, won't get it, don't REALLY care & have about as much sympathy and bedside manner as a turnip...which I think I am allergic to.
I went to HS w/a girl who was allergic to the sun back in the day when we all still used baby oil to tan...she used highest SPF or some Rx SPF - it got better...could be hormonal too. Are you going to see a Derm and get HER opinon?
Reading this post today made me laugh and cry....it was kind of like reading some of my thoughts....glad to know I am in excellent company w/ the fear of health thing...has that always been you or is it since motherhood? Just curious...
Use your SPF, get some wicked cool shades, a killer hat and a Greta Garbo long scarf and you will be that mystery woman on the beach....that celebrity we can't quite see....could be a whole new sideline job... :)
Posted by: Teresa M. | 06/15/2006 at 09:01 PM
Uh, just entering my vote for a new FEMALE Doc. All the difference in the world. Good job on going, though!
Posted by: Jenny | 06/15/2006 at 10:44 PM
Hmmmmm, during my last physical my male doctor told me that I have a shy cervix. During both my pregnancies I was told that I have an irritable uterus. Next I'm expecting to be told that my vagina is depressed, which wouldn't really surprise me at all.
Posted by: princessr9 | 06/16/2006 at 12:55 AM
You are a brave woman! I would have been out of there 5 minutes after hearing the flirtations! YIKES! Yes, as others have said, a WOMAN GYN is the way to go! I have a woman GYN and she also has a woman PA who I like even better. I had a male doctor made a crude remark once during a PAP . . . and I would never go back!
You did have me laughing though! (Just thankful it was you and NOT me!)
Posted by: Lon | 06/16/2006 at 01:39 AM
LOL! Oh my gosh that last comment by princessr9 - that is just rich!
I have a girlfriend who was just told the same about her uterus & she's pregnant, waddling and very uncomfortable...I told her to tell the Dr:"If you were me right now, wouldn't you think YOUR uterus would be 'irritable' too?"
I like what my bladder dr told me: "You have an anxious or nervous bladder." The commercials say "overactive"...makes me laugh & think of "over achieving"....at least I am over achieveing at SOMETHING these days.
Hmmm, I bet then after 2 kids in 22months, my breasts are "lethargic" or "apathetic."
Posted by: Teresa M. | 06/16/2006 at 01:42 AM
Is it weird that this is my second gyno visit post I've read this month? And in the other one, the doctor bitched about her cervix, too?
I think it's just something that the doctors say to make themselves feel better.
I told my husband what the doctor said about your implants last night over dinner, and he laughed soooo hard.
Posted by: Marcia | 06/16/2006 at 08:55 AM
Well...sounds like Doogie Howser over there at the "Women's Hoo-Hoo Examination Center" was the real voice of experience, wasn't he?
Wow...I would've died! Hilarious post, btw.
Posted by: TheIdleReceptionist | 06/16/2006 at 09:01 AM
Um, you do know that you MUST get a different doctor, right? That idiot's response to info you passed along about your breasts was WAY out of line. asshole
Posted by: Katherine | 06/16/2006 at 01:28 PM
I agree with the other commenters: run, don't walk.
I love the snappish comment about your cervix...like what are you supposed to do, order a better one out of a catalog?
Posted by: Suebob | 06/16/2006 at 01:55 PM
LOL! As usual you have me laughing. No, it's not funny what happened, but the way you tell it is hilarious.
Posted by: Courtney | 06/16/2006 at 04:31 PM
I switched from my male OB/GYN to a woman when I felt like he wasn't really taking my fertility issues seriously. The female doc I started seeing? Was a total bitch. Her only reaction after I'd had a second miscarriage was to say, "Oh, that sucks." Luckily, doc #1 took me back into his practice with open arms, a box of tissues and a shitload of empathy. He's since helped me bring three babies into the world.
So I'm thinking it's less about gender and more about bedside manner.
And also? My dad's an OB/GYN, and I think he's pretty nice :).
Posted by: liz | 06/16/2006 at 05:52 PM
I didn't know someone could be allergic to the sun. Is that possible? C'mon, you're making that up. But I know you're not making the cervix story up because I had that very same thing happen to me in my gyno's office a few years back. He is no longer my doctor.
Posted by: Mrs. Chicky | 06/16/2006 at 07:52 PM
My, God, Lena. I think I'm going to cry, I'm laughing so hard. The funniest blog post I've read anywhere in a very, very long time. Come to think of it, the next funniest was on here, too, with your cat on the treadmill. I still have that picture in my mind.
Posted by: Caryn | 06/16/2006 at 08:11 PM