Manic Momday

I'm sure you've heard about The Study that was just released that evaluated a stay at home mom's workload and what these duties would be worth in the real world of employable skills.

$134,000 a year.

That would be your salary if you were doing all the things you do already (you know, those things no one ever notices unless they don't get done?) for a stranger instead of for those little people you birthed.

However, this study only looked at the menial labor.

For me, the hardest part of leaving a successful career and staying home was not the diapers, nursing, and cleaning.

It was the sobbing, loneliness, and sobriety.

I chose to have a baby at the worst possible time in my life - a period of two years where I had next to no friends. I quickly realized after four weeks of being home all day that my "friends" had all been work-related. This hadn't always been the case, but alot had recently changed in my life and my old friendships were practically non-existent and my work friends were, well, working.

To this day I'm not sure if I had post partum depression or not. I never had visions of harming my baby, but I did feel utterly despondent. Completely alone. Isolated.

I would fight tears from the moment I woke up in the morning until I went to bed at night. For. Two. Years.

My house was mostly clean. Dinner was always on the table. My baby was happy. See? Even if her mom was a bit manic.

Me, I was broken. I felt like I was screaming inside and no one could hear me. I would go to playgroups and the other moms sounded like Peanuts' parents. Wah-wah-wah. I was in a thick fog of confusion and sadness.

How much was that worth? How much was my sanity worth? My joy? My laughter?

How much would I have paid in those hours to get up, put on a suit, and walk out the door with my husband in the morning?

See, what sociologists will never get is that the physical tasks of mothering are not what make it so difficult and precious. It's not what we're doing. It's what we're not doing. And how we feel about that.

The "jobs" we perform pale in comparison to the heartache, guilt, and joy our pendulum swings between. And that's just before breakfast.

Here are the things you get a steady dose of at home that you cannot possibly compare to the office:

Guilt - When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep because you thought that spreadsheet didn't get enough attention today?

Loneliness - Could you ever go entire days at the office without talking to or even being seen by a single adult? Even when you wanted to?

Self Image - Did you ever detect smirks at a dinner party when you said you were Director of Operations or Manager of Sales? Probably not. You probably also didn't get this response: "All day? I don't know how you do it."

Thankless - How unexpected would it have been for you to go to the office every two hours throughout the night? Think that would've gotten you noticed?

Body Image - A long day at the office never produced vomit on your shirt and ginormous leaky breasts. And you probably never went into your boss' office and asked "Do you still find me attractive? Can you hold me?"

Pride - There's no promotions and no raises. You're sure to get fired in 18 years with no pension (unless he's going Ivy League). Yet, there is no greater responsibility than the one we have as mom.

There's so much more at stake with this new job. And we know it. That's our value.

Sweeping, mopping, dusting, coloring, vacuuming, cooking, scheduling, scrubbing, wiping, creating, driving, shopping, bathing, playing, tickling, talking, yelling, laughing, singing, reading, threatening, weeping, hugging, dancing : $134,000

Knowing you've gotten through another day without giving up: priceless

Comments

[Desert Songbird]

Even after almost 11 years of being a SAHM, there are times I feel like this.

Well said.

Here via CoFL.

[DigitalRich]

I am not a SAHM, but I'm married to one. This past year I took a new job that allows me to work from home, and I have a WHOLE NEW perspective on Michelle's work at home taking care of our 4 girls.

I have always appreciated her domestic contributions to our family, and have never once doubted that it is a full-time job, but seeing it everyday has given me a new perspective. Thanks for your post- that added to my understanding as well :)

DigtitalRich
Here via Carnival of Family Life

[tanyetta]

wow :)

[PStilwell]

Today a girlfriend of mine (with no children) showed me a button she picked up that she thought was funny. It read "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." She shows this to me (a mother of two) as I am cleaning out the trunk of my car - the final task on a long list of things that I cleaned that day. I have a list for every day. It's the only thing that makes me feel that I have accomplished something- a clean and peaceful home at the end of the day. I put in a full day because I suspect that it means something - not because I enjoy putting my doctorate on hold and watching my husband go to work every day as I feel I am getting dumber and dumber, just to wipe noses and bottoms and counter tops. I got online tonight because I needed someone to tell me that it all meant something today. That my clean house that smells of fresh baked bread (because Thursday is baking day) is not a sign of a wasted life. And I found this blog and I cried ... and I felt that is was worth it. :)

[Alison]

I am so glad I found this! I have been home for 5 yrs wih my 5, 5 & 4 yr old boys. You hit the nail right on the head. Gotta keep the sense of humor about it or, yah, your doomed.

[talapoku]

In your opinion, what's the best movie ever created?

efrtc

[Daina]

Hello Lena,
I think you are an excellent writer. Only by staying at home and facing drudgery and depression could you climb within to see without, and cope with without by climbing within, and written so well what so many others wish they could.
I too am a SAHM of just over 5 years now, and it has been the same for me. All those that fall and fail, we have prevailed over, and found life wisdom that many will never gain or spend equally depressed and discontented lives searching for.

[Mary@The Writer's Block]

I have just found you and your blog. Boy! I wish I could have read this years and years ago. So true. So true. I love your writing. Thank you for being a transparent voice. I wrote a similar post but not so eloquently as you. http://writingmomof3.blogspot.com/2008/05/secret-of-sisterhood.html

[Lorelei]

Thank you very much!
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